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In addition to a large collection of video games, I have a rather substantial amount of video game magazines. I was flipping through a few from 1994, trying to come up with a way to use them in a story, when I noticed that I couldn’t stop looking at the ads. Some of them were great, a few were funny, but most of them were downright terrible. I knew right away that I needed to share these treasures with the world. You have my apologies.
Hit the jump to travel back in time and experience advertising 1994-style. (Click on the ads for a huge version)
Atari Jaguar
To be fair, Atari did warn us that we’d vomit if we bought a Jaguar. I appreciate the honesty, but that might not have been the best way to market the system.
Dragon’s Lair
Now you can totally play this game that sucks in the arcades, from the comfort of your own home. Hot damn, I’ve been waiting for this moment for years! Thanks Sega CD!
Sega CD
No, really. What can I do with my Sega CD? I’ve been trying to figure this out for 15 years. Please get back to me on this.
Mansion of Hidden Souls
This ad wanted people to call a phone number, but they didn’t tell you why and they only gave you two days to call. YOU ONLY HAVE TWO DAYS TO LISTEN TO AN AD FOR OUR GAME! HURRY! ACT NOW!
Power Rangers
This ad combines three things that really suck: Power Rangers, LCD games, and bar code readers. Why not toss in an Ini Kamoze tape to make sure I want to jump out a window after I play this game. Thanks for being so awesome 1994!
Lord of the Rings
Please click on the big version of this Lord of the Rings ad and tell me that those aren’t the most hideous screenshots you’ve ever seen. I’ll give you a high-five if you can tell me what the hell is going on in the screen on the far right.
Dick Vitale’s “Awesome Baby” College Hoops
They really went ahead and put “Awesome Baby” in the game’s title, didn’t they. Wow. By the way, if you think you suck at Photoshop, take a look at Dick’s picture on the front of the box — It’s quite possible they used scissors and tape on that sucker.
Mortal Kombat Sega CD
Real men played Mortal Kombat on the Sega CD because it was totally meaner than all of the other versions. Probably meaner than all of them combined, even. I bet most of you wimps out there had the Genesis version, didn’t you? Wuss.
Zero
If this ad was supposed to make me hate video games… it worked. Fun fact: Zero is also the number of copies the game sold. I don’t know this to be 100 percent true, but really, is there any way anyone bought this game?
Wolfenstein 3D
I don’t know about you, but I find those screenshots to be just awful enough to distract me from the fact the god-awful picture on the right that seems to indicate that the main character is now a zombie.
Radical Rex
“He’s the raddest baddest fire-breathing Tyrannosaurus ever to shred prehistoric pavement,” huh? I call bullshit on that. There’s just no way that’s true.
Super Alfred Chicken
I’d rather play Russian Roulette than play “The Ultimate Game of Chicken.” I’m not sure why, but there are three fairly complimentary paragraphs about this game’s marketing on Wikipedia. I’d love to meet the winner that took the time to update that entry.
Shaq-Fu
“He wears size 22 shoes on his feet.” I had been wearing my shoes on my hands until I saw this ad. Needless to say, it changed my life.
SNES Advantage
I was nearly broke after I bought a Super Nintendo, Donkey Kong Country, and a gorilla named Boogers, so I got an off-brand joystick to save a few bucks. Boogers broke it in a fit of anger before the end of the first level. I wanted to get mad at him, but that game was frustrating! Should have spent the extra cash on the SNES Advantage.
Wild Snake
Hey Alexey Pajitnov, creator of Tetris, I dare you to look any more stupid in this ad! Just kidding comrade, I totally love Tetris. We’re cool, right?
Super Street Fighter 2
Change “Summer” to “Spring” and this could easily be an ad for Super Street Fighter IV. Meh, who am I kidding, Capcom would never reuse old assets to save some cash…
