6. Mario vs. Donkey Kong
One thing I’ve learned from the Internet is that boobs are good and balls are bad. This Mario vs. Donkey Kong ad has both, so it falls somewhere in the middle.
For such a wholesome company, Nintendo went out of their way to make this commercial extra disturbing. Cute girls dressed as Toad handling Mario’s balls, close-up of breasts, and a hint of bestiality.
I will attempt to explain the situation. It takes giant cojones to face armies of flying turtles, killer fish, and whatever the hell Thwomps are. So, Mario created a factory where new testicles are manufactured…by mushroom ladies.
Donkey Kong loves Italian man-eggs, so he breaks into the factory, stuffs Mario’s balls in his sack, and threatens the helpless women. Also, tits.
7. Sega Genesis
Imagine that it’s 1988, you’re in charge of Sega, and you need to wow gamers with your new console, the Mega Drive (Genesis in the U.S.). You have 30 seconds to blow their minds. What do you do? Hire this asshole:
Nice bowl cut. How about showing us amazing, exclusive games?
Got anything else besides Altered Beast?
Right…. I don’t think people are buying the “visual shock, speed shock, sound shock” nonsense. What does that even mean? No wonder Nintendo and NEC kicked your ass throughout the whole 16-bit era in Japan. Any last words?
8. The Legend of Zelda: A Link to the Past
Quick, think of a way to depict The Legend of Zelda: A Link to the Past in a television commercial for potential buyers. If you thought of fantastic scenery, evil wizards, or sword fights, you’re an idiot. The correct answer is … dance-off!
Link and his uncle get jiggy with it inside a dungeon to save Princess Zelda, and like Michael Jackson in Moonwalker, they make every baddie shake their booty.
At one point, Zelda screams for help. She sounds like an old man. It’s bizarre, considering the person portraying Link looks like a woman. The only one with a “normal” reaction to this madness is Ganon, but not even he can withstand the torture of the Hyrulian line dance.
9. Super Mario Bros. 2
Learning about the birds and the bees is a confusing and mind-scarring experience for any child. Nintendo tried to help ease the pain with this Super Mario Bros. 2 (Super Mario USA in Japan) commercial, but they may have chosen the wrong spokesperson to do it.
Birdo is a five-foot-tall, pink, transvestite bird-lizard that wears a bow on its head and shoots eggs out of a hole that may or may not be a mouth. Would you let him/her/it educate your little ones about genital warts and oral sex?
10. Mario Party Advance
I have not played Mario Party Advance, so I don’t know if one of the minigames involves ogling at children through a hole in a fence. If that’s not a thing, then HOLY SHIT!
The pedophile reacts to the scent of innocence the only way he knows how: with a raging erection. What follows is the saddest attempt to invade a private property since the original Home Alone.
Pogo sticks, trampolines, balloons (WTF?), springboards … all useless. Has this guy ever heard of ladders? Eventually the deviant busts through the wall like the Kool-Aid Man and falls face-first in a pond.
The cliffhanger ending leaves too many questions unanswered. How long is a triple-homicide jail sentence? Can perverts swim? Was this all a setup by Dateline NBC? Where’s the beef? Beat Mario Party Advance to find out!
