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As part of our initiative to give game characters a place to voice their opinions, we invited the cast of Street Fighter to share their favorite rivalries with us. What we weren’t expecting, however, was the passionate and brutally honest response from sumo wrestler E. Honda. Read on to find out what he really thinks of the demonic martial arts master Akuma and the state of today's competition.
Akuma is the most miserable piece of scum that I have ever had the misfortune of knowing. I could talk about my great feud with Vega. Or how honored I was when me and Fei Long finished our first-to-five-wins contest, and then he accompanied me to my 100th appearance for the Make-A-Wish Foundation. But my heart will never rest until everyone realizes Akuma is the poison that has ruined street fighting.
Before him, people could enjoy a fight between me and Ryu perfectly fine. Ryu had one fireball, an uppercut, and a hurricane kick. It took me forever to get near him. But once I did, I slapped and squashed him until his face was swollen. We could fight that same match again and again for four years, and the fans would still never get enough of it.
But then Akuma crashed into the scene and changed everything. Now everyone had to have three different fireballs. Now everyone had to dash or teleport or super jump. Now everyone needed a 30-second-long cut-scene super combo.
The crowds ate it up, but it also desensitized them. Today you have to hit the other guy twice as hard to get half the reaction. Guys like me and Guile have been fighting for 25 years, and we could do that because we looked out for each other. We battled hard, but we knew we had no reason to break our necks for a bunch of scumbags in a boat. But you can't fight that way when your opponent claims to be an unstoppable force of nature and desperately wants people to believe him.
I feel so bad for the newcomers trying to enter this sport. There was this one kid named Sean. He had everything he needed to be a top-tier competitor: strong form, great look, and a good grasp of the fundamentals. He said he learned his skills from Ken, but his attacks said he idolized Akuma. He was so proud of his flashier renditions of his master's moves. And his tackle into a punch flurry. And his 12-hit combo into a wheel kick.
We all knew his karate-pupil backstory wouldn’t make him stand out in the long run — no matter how many high-risk moves he did. But you can’t make it into this sport anymore by being a hard-working fighter who wants to be the best. You have to be “edgy” and suck up to a veteran just to get noticed. Even then management might force you to act like a corny joke, like what happened to my good friend Hakan.
Things didn't work out for Sean. The old guard was supposed to stay out of the Street Fighter 3 competition to give guys like him some breathing room, but management begged Ryu and Ken to stay in the last minute. Then Akuma pulled some strings to get into the next tournament because heaven forbid we ever held something without him. The fans moaned about the cast having "too many karate guys," and Sean became their scapegoat. You could tell he was too disillusioned to do his best by the Street Fighter 3: 3rd Strike event, and he hasn't competed since.
As guys like Sean fell to the wayside, Street Fighter and rival organizations filled their rosters with brooding pieces of beefcake and half-naked models as they tried to find the next Akuma. I find it amusing how even Akuma now has to out-Akuma himself. Have you seen this Oni gimmick he’s been doing? It’s amazing what body paint, hair dye, and a personal trainer can do for a guy. But I can’t smile as long as children and aspiring World Warriors still look up to him.
This is your fault, Akuma. Underground fighting is dying, and it’s all thanks to you and the morons who jumped on your bandwagon. I hope you like pretending to be a demon, because you will burn in hell for what you did to the sport I love.