Gordon Freeman

Just look at Gordon Freeman, he of the hushed voice. If Starburst had a sudden need for another example of a walking contradiction, he'd be it. My mind still can't fully fathom the notion of a mute theoretical-physicist-turned-crowbar-ninja, but there he is — hefting weaponry like a seasoned veteran; heeling bullets, bugs, and daughters of scientist colleagues to his command with the utmost ease; and effortlessly nailing the “nerdy assassin” look.

I've grown accustomed to the good Doctor's aversion to all things linguistic within his rightful home of Valve's Half-Life games. It's mostly because of his friends' creepily placid acceptance of a silent man wrapped in Halloween-colored armor who watches and waits. Only the spry Alyx Vance has the exacting patience (or foolishness) to constantly pal around with such a social eccentric.

But why should Vance hog all the wonderful opportunities for one-sided conversations? Let's explore what would happen if Freeman joined forces with some of the more chatty characters from other games.

What if Gordon Freeman paired up with….

 

…the Team Fortress 2 crew?

Gordon Freeman in Team Fortress 2

  • Circumvents the hat collecting craze by donning Dr. Kleiner's pet headcrab Lamarr for protection

  • Puzzles over why an insane quack like the Medic gets a spiffy lab coat, while he's stuck with the same clunky armor he's worn since 2004

  • Hounds every Spy he sees as another G-Man sighting

…the survivors from Left 4 Dead 2?

Gordon Freeman in Left 4 Dead 2

  • Wonders why four heavily armed individuals hellbent on survival struggle against a few zombies, while he shot a hovering hybrid between a potato and a fetus out of the air with a pistol

  • Warns the team about incoming special zombies by frantically crouch-jumping in the air

  • Secretly sneers at the "primitive" melee weapons of his fellow zombie slayers

…Uncharted's Nathan Drake?

Gordon Freeman in Uncharted

  • Doesn't change his stony expression after hearing one of Drake's hackneyed jokes

  • As a result, he might use the Gravity Gun to "accidentally" remove the cliff wall when Drake climbs it

  • Could encourage a spin-off named "Uncharted: Freeman's Frustration"

…Commander Shepard in Mass Effect?

Gordon Freeman in Mass Efffect

  • Replaces every dialogue response with "…"

  • The Hazard Suit already looks like it fits in a universe filled with quad-testicled reptiles and thespian doctors

  • Predicted all of this anyway – a theoretical physicist doesn't just push buttons, you know