The Pokémon franchise has had nearly 20 movies since 1996, but all of ’em are silly cartoons. It’s time for Hollywood to turn this series into a serious live-action drama.
To help facilitate the game’s transition, we’ve decided to help out with the casting. The director (Ridley Scott) and studio (whoever made the Super Mario Bros. movie) should pick the trainer and gym leaders, but we’ve decided to step in early and give this film some star power with the celebrities who should get cameos as Pokémon.
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Meloetta is a psychic-fighting type. That means she can beat the crap out of you while also lobbing hurtful remarks about your greatest insecurities. She is also, as her name suggests, a melodic songstress.
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More importantly, Meloetta is a creature of grace that can transform into something even more amazing elegant. For this Pokémon, we’re going to need someone truly astonishing. That leaves only one choice.
As played by: Tilda Swinton
Above: Tilda Swinton is perfect. And she would also make a great Meloetta.
Why Tilda Swinton is perfect: Tilda Swinton is an actor best known for movies like Adaptation and The Chronicles of Narnia. But she’s also renowned for her ability to transform from one character to another. She’ll need that in the live-action Pokémon movie when she must transform from one of Meloetta’s forms to another.
But it’s more than looks. If I had to put Swinton into a Pokémon-style “type,” I’d definitely make her a psychic-fighting human. She looks like she’s reading your mind right now and will beat the hell out of you for what she’s finding.
He’s got a fresh style, and he doesn’t care what you think of him. He also knows that he is the greatest Pokémon who has ever lived or will ever live.
He seems like the kind of Pokémon that values his creative process. He’s also probably pretty good friends with Canadian rapper Drake. With that much confidence and capability, he’s going to need someone who’s not afraid to stand out.
As played by: Kanye West
Why Kanye West is perfect: That’s right! Mr. Kim Kardashian himself! Look, I don’t know exactly why I think Kanye is ideal to play Ducklett. But something about this monster just screams “Yeezy!” And the other monster screams “ducklett!”
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Just look:
Above: See?
Anyway, I think getting Kanye in the movie for a quick fight scene is important. You can put that clip in the trailer, and maybe he will write a song that will play over the end credits.
Snorlax is just a big, sleepy guy.
This large fella just wants to take it easy, grab some lunch, and then nap it off. He’s basically the most chill Pokémon ever. OK — so sometimes he gets in the way and prevents your progress, but that’s just one of his personality quirks.
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As played by: Kim Jong Un
Above: These guys are making me sleepy just looking at them!
Why Kim Jong Un is perfect: Sure, Snorlax is chill, but do you know who else is chill? North Korean dictator Kim Jong Un. That dude is so laid back. He just wants to watch a relaxing militaristic display of power, grab some lunch, and then nap it off. Sounds like a human Snorlax to me.
Oh, and Kim Jong Un also loves lying in the way of progress. These dopes are like twins!
Metapod
Metapod is one of the earlier Pokémon you can capture in the original games, and he also teaches players the basics of evolution, since he quickly evolves from Caterpie and quickly evolves to Butterfree. However, in this state, Metapod is pretty useless. He only knows one move, Harden, which slightly increases his defense stat.
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As played by: Bill Belichick
Above: The only face that can pull of Metapod.
Why Bill Belichick is perfect: I’d like to say that the head coach of the New England Patriots is a beautiful butterfly just waiting to bloom out of his cocoon, but I really just want him to play Metabod because of that stony, deadpan face of his. Also, if anyone in the NFL knows Harden, it’s probably this guy. Or maybe Deflate would be a better move for him. Is that still topical? Are we still making deflate-gate jokes?
Zubat
Zubat is a complicated creature. He usually only hides in dark places, possibly as a way to hide his vulnerable soul from the cruel world outside. He uses moves that poison and confuse opponents, likely by infecting their minds with the existential quandaries of our fragile existences.
As played by: Daniel Day-Lewis
Above: Daniel Day-Lewis, the only actor worthy of Zubat.
Why Daniel Day-Lewis is perfect: If we want to see Zubat done right, it’s going to take the best actor we’ve got. That’s why we need three-time Academy Award winner Daniel Day-Lewis to transform himself into the role. He can spend months living in a dark cave, bothering young children as they wander by, all while mastering his craft and ultimately giving us another breathtaking performance.
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Arceus
Arceus is basically Pokémon God, responsible for creating the world and all those adorable creatures. He is master of time, space, and all matter.
As played by: John Cena
Above: The hero we deserve and need.
Why John Cena is perfect: Arceus might have created a world, but John Cena has won two Royal Rumbles and is a 15-time world champion. John Cena has created three things more important than all creation: hustle, loyalty, and respect. And, as we’ve seen in movies like The Marine and Trainwreck, he is a master thespian able to perfect any role.
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