How to be me when I’m dead: A guide to running my Facebook after I’m gone

Dear Adam,

Last week you sent me a message that said you’d put me in charge of your Facebook account in the event of your death, which is more or less a sure thing.

I’m honored you chose me, though it’s a weird feeling. That’s probably because death is a weird thing and we’re doomed to always know its coming. As a twenty-something, I guess this is the first step. Everyone will be getting married soon, but the engagement comes first. Everyone will also die and leave stuff behind, so this too is a test run.

In any case, I’m officially returning the favor. We’ve been friends since the fourth grade, so I guess that makes us both the right men for the job.

Here’s a quick guide to get you started quickly after the tragic shark attack / industrial equipment mishap / pandemic / quiet dangers of a sedentary life.

FIRST THINGS FIRST

First up, since you’re now the custodian of my Internet Stuff, you’re also the custodian of my Actual Stuff. That means you’re going to need to make a quick pass through my place before the family arrives. Just hide the laundry until company leaves; that’s what I usually do anyhow. Thanks in advance.

YOU CAN’T READ MY MESSAGES

To be honest, I’m a little disappointed that you won’t have access to my messages. I’ve handwritten little more than a postcard since high school, so I won’t have a trove of letters and correspondence for my inevitable retrospective in a Smithsonian (I haven’t yet decided which — TBD). Instead, I’ll bequeath a bunch of emails and group chats which is a funny thought but also a bit of a bummer. I should buy a printer.

YOU CAN APPROVE NEW FRIEND REQUESTS

Do so at your own discretion. This is literally not my problem.

YOU CAN’T EDIT MY PAST POSTS

And for good reason. I trust you to run my social estate, but I know you’re prone to vandalism.

YOU CAN POST TO MY WALL

This is good news. Posting current links is an easy way to keep the spirit alive. Here are a few notes:

1. Post the occasional national news story with a short comment. Keep it centrist and reasonable. 25% of them should be funny. The only topics where I take a borderline-extremist stance are free speech (for), the death penalty (against), and moon landing theories (hilarious — for).

2. Despite the moderate tone of the news links I post, I am definitely prone to pettiness. Never call anybody a Nazi, but do NOT let poor subject-verb agreement go unfixed.

3. Approximately every January, there will be a new Liam Neeson action thriller which could be titled Liam Neeson Fixes It. Post that trailer every time and be excited, even though it will look awful. And if they ever release a movie actually called Liam Neeson Fixes It, please take a long victory lap.

4. Lots of music! I like posting oddball stuff more than just a song. Anything that might surprise your average bear. Vocal isolations and manipulations, masterful performances, a Harmonizator, whatever this is.

5. Post the funniest SNL clip the next morning. Weekend Update will always do in a pinch. Don’t let anyone ever tell you the show isn’t funny anymore; that’s a known fallacy.

6. Whether you win or lose an argument, always “like” my opponent’s finer points. It’s the honorable thing to do.

7. When wishing someone a happy birthday, attach a random video of a stranger using their name. It’ll be doubly weird now that I’m dead.

YOU CAN UPDATE MY PROFILE PICTURE:

This is pretty straightforward. I’m dead, so now you’ve got a finite supply. I wasn’t very consistent or adamant about selfies — sorry in advance. Use plenty of outdoor photos to make it seem like I spent less time in front of a screen than I did.

Thanks again, buddy. They say you can’t take the money with you, but I didn’t have that much in the first place. I’ll have to IOU.

As always,

Fletcher