HOW TO WIN SXSW — DINOSTYLE

FAKE GRIMLOCK is a giant robot dinosaur who is writing a book.

ME, FAKEGRIMLOCK, GREATEST ROBOT STARTUP DINOSAUR OF ALL, GO TO PUNY SXSW. HUMANS THERE FIGHT FOR ATTENTION IN GIANT CROWD ALL DOING SAME “UNIQUE” THING, DESPERATELY TRY TO MEET AND IMPRESS IMPORTANT PEOPLE, AND SPEND LOTS OF TIME DRINKING BEER WHILE HUNGRY, TIRED, AND BROKE.

JUST LIKE WORK AT STARTUP!

BUT ME NOTICE ONE IMPORTANT FACT.

MOST OF THEM DOING SXSW WRONG.

NOT FIGHT AND STARVE THING. THAT JUST PART OF DEAL. BUT REST OF IT? DO SXSW WRONG IS BIG WASTE OF MONEY. BUT NO WORRY! ME SET YOU STRAIGHT, TEACH YOU WAY DO SXSW RIGHT, SO IT ONLY MEDIUM SIZE WASTE OF MONEY!

HOTELS

THERE ONLY ONE WAY GET GOOD HOTEL AT SXSW. ON EXACT SECOND DATE FOR NEXT YEAR ANNOUNCED, JUMP IN TARDIS, TRAVEL BACK TO 2004, BOOK ROOM.

IF NOT HAVE TIME TRAVEL DEVICE HANDY, YOU OUT OF LUCK. CARDBOARD BOX IN ALLEY RUN ABOUT $4,000 PER NIGHT, AND STILL REQUIRE 2 HOUR TAXI DRIVE TO GET TO CONVENTION.

INSTEAD RENT HOUSE! NO ONE THAT ACTUALLY LIVE IN AUSTIN STAY THERE WHEN SXSW SHOW UP. GET FRIENDS, PAY LOTS LESS FOR EMPTY LOCAL HOUSE CAN WALK TO CONVENTION FROM. THEN MAKE FUN OF EVERYONE WAIT IN LINE FOR TAXI BACK TO CARDBOARD BOX EACH NIGHT.

FOOD

TEXAS GOOD AT TWO THINGS. COOK DELICIOUS MEAT, AND TELL EVERYONE HOW GREAT THEM ARE. AT LEAST THEM RIGHT ABOUT MEAT.

HERE SIMPLE RULES FOR FIND BEST FOOD:

1. IF SOMEONE BLOW MARKETING BUDGET ON GIVE AWAY FREE FOOD, EAT IT. NOT MATTER WHAT IT IS. CAN DELETE CRAPPY APP THEM MAKE YOU DOWNLOAD LATER.

2. WALK 4 BLOCKS FROM CONVENTION IN ANY DIRECTION. FOOD TRUCKS JUST AS GOOD, HAVE 3,000% LESS PEOPLE IN LINE FOR THEM.

3. NOW WALK 4 MORE BLOCKS, LOOK FOR ANY SIGN THAT SAY “BBQ,” GO IN AND SIT DOWN. ORDER MEAT UNTIL FULL. OR EXPLODE. IT WORTH IT.

BATHROOMS

AT SXSW, FIND OPEN BATHROOM LIKE FIND STARTUP THAT ACTUALLY MAKE MONEY. GRAB IT WHEN HAVE CHANCE, YOU PROBABLY NEVER FIND ANOTHER ONE.

SAME RULE APPLY TO PLACE TO CHARGE PHONE. WHY NO ONE AT SXSW BUILD BATHROOM WITH INTEGRATED PHONE CHARGER? IT BIG MYSTERY.

SESSIONS

GO TO SESSIONS AT SXSW VERY IMPORTANT! THEM BEST PLACE TO SIT DOWN, CHECK TWITTER. BRING HEADPHONES, SOME SPEAKERS GET NOISY.

OTHER IMPORTANT TIP IS TRY NOT TO SIT NEXT TO JOURNALIST FORCED TO PRETEND SESSION YOU IN  MATTER. BITTERNESS IN THEIR TEARS BURN HUMAN FLESH, LEAVE NASTY SCARS.

THE HYPE

EVERYTHING AT SXSW IS GREATEST THING EVER THAT CHANGE WORLD ANY DAY NOW. THAT DAY IS PROBABLY NEVER.

THAT NOT STOP HYPESTERS FROM INFEST SXSW. THEM LIKE EVERYTHING TERRIBLE ABOUT MARKETING GIVEN HUMAN FORM. NEIL GAIMAN PROBABLY ALREADY WRITING BOOK ABOUT IT.

IF SEE HYPESTERS COMING, NO PANIC. WALK CALMLY IN OTHER DIRECTION. NO MAKE EYE CONTACT. ONCE THEM SMELL FEAR, IT OVER. YOU FLYERED, BRACELETED, AND PITCHED BEFORE HAVE CHANCE TO RUN.

PACK OF HYPESTERS CAN STRIP SELF-RESPECT FROM AVERAGE SIZE HUMAN IN JUST 14 SECONDS. NO LET THAT HAPPEN TO YOU.

MEETING PEOPLE

REAL REASON EVERYONE GO TO SXSW? IT FULL OF PEOPLE MORE INTERESTING THAN YOU (UNLESS YOU ME, FAKEGRIMLOCK). NO WASTE TIME, MEET AS MANY OF THEM AS CAN.

BEST WAY DO THIS IS TALK TO WHOEVER NEXT TO YOU. AT SXSW, THERE ALWAYS SOMEONE NEXT TO YOU. OR 300 SOMEONES. USUALLY IN LINE OF SOME KIND. AT LEAST ONE OF THEM INTERESTING.

WEAR T-SHIRT WITH COMPANY LOGO. OR CONVERSATION STARTING PHRASE, LIKE “WE JUST RAISED $30 MILLION AND ARE DESPERATE FOR ENGINEERS THAT DON’T SUCK.” IT MUCH BETTER THAN RELY ON SOCIAL SKILLS YOU PROBABLY NOT HAVE.

FIND THAT INTERESTING SOMEONE? TALK, THEN SEND FOLLOW UP EMAIL WITH PHONE. RIGHT THERE. IT 2013, ONLY IDIOT TAKE BUSINESS CARD. BUSINESS CARD SAME AS SAY “YOU ARE BORING, IN 30 SECONDS ME FORGET YOU EVER EXISTED.”

IMPORTANT PEOPLE

YOU PROBABLY RUN INTO IMPORTANT PERSON BY ACCIDENT, LIKE DAVID COHEN IN ELEVATOR. THEM USUALLY NICE, POLITE, WILLING TO WATCH YOU EMBARRASS SELF UNTIL THEM HAVE CHANCE TO ESCAPE.

BETTER WAY IS CONTACT THEM ON TWITTER OR OTHER SOCIAL THING, ASK FOR COFFEE. IF YOU NOT COMPLETE WASTE OF THEM TIME, THEM MIGHT SAY YES.

IF NOT SAY YES, TRY DIFFERENT IMPORTANT PERSON. THERE LOTS OF THEM. EVENTUALLY YOU FIND ONE THAT HAVE HOLE IN SCHEDULE MORE BORING THAN TALKING TO YOU.

THE PARTIES

THERE TWO KINDS OF PARTIES AT SXSW. BIG, NOISY, OPEN TO PUBLIC ONES WHERE EVERYONE GET DRUNK, AND PRIVATE ONES THAT EXACTLY THE SAME BUT YOU NOT INVITED TO THEM.

GET DRINKS, HAVE FUN, SLEEP IN WHILE SMARTER, MORE IMPORTANT PEOPLE HAVE MEETINGS OVER COFFEE NEXT MORNING.

THAT IT

NOW YOU KNOW EVERYTHING NEED FOR DO SXSW RIGHT. GO TO MEET PEOPLE, ESPECIALLY IMPORTANT ONES. MAYBE LEARN SOMETHING IF ACCIDENTALLY FIND GOOD SESSION. AVOID HYPESTERS. EAT MEAT.

AND BE AWESOME.

FAKE GRIMLOCK is a giant robot dinosaur who gives startups advice on how to be more awesome. He is writing a book, THE BOOK OF AWESOME, and just launched a Kickstarter project for the book at South by Southwest. He always writes in all caps.

Editor’s note: You can also enter our #WinSXSW contest for a chance at fame, fortune, meetings with VCs, and over $100,000 in prizes.

Photo courtesy Fake Grimlock.