Sh*t Judge Lucy Koh says: Our top 5 favorites

I’ve got news, guys. Sometimes patent cases are boring (don’t worry, I was shocked to find this out, too). In the Apple versus Samsung patent case, however, there’s been one shining, albeit unexpected, entertainer: the judge.

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U.S. Judge Lucy Koh doesn’t have time for your bickering, lawyerfolk, and she’s happy to tell you. Samsung and Apple are at each others’ throats in Koh’s San Jose, Calif., courtroom over patents pertaining to the companies’ smartphones and tablets. Apple goes so far as to say Samsung blatantly copied the iPhone and iPad in its designs, notably the Galaxy line.

Closing arguments are this week, however, bringing a months-long, objections-filled, paperwork-mounding argument to an end. Before the jury (there’s a jury!) decides who is at fault, we thought it was only appropriate to take a look back at five of our favorite Koh smackdowns:

• “I want papers. I don’t trust what any lawyer tells me in this courtroom,” Koh said after an Intel lawyer showed up in court to say one of Samsung’s witnesses was legally not allowed to testify. “I want to see actual papers.”
• “I will not let any theatrics or any sideshow distract us from what we are here to do,” we overheard Koh saying after Samsung released rejected evidence to the press. Koh said this created “real and possible danger” since the trial is to be decided by jury.
• “If all you wanted was to raise awareness that you have IP, message delivered,” she said according to Forbes, “In many respects, mission accomplished. It’s time for peace. If you could have your CEOs have one last conversation, I’d appreciate it.”
• “I am not going to be running around trying to get 75 pages of briefings for people who are not going to be testifying,” CNET recorded her saying when Apple attempted to squeeze in just a few more witnesses. “I mean, come on. Seventy-five pages? Seventy-five pages? You want me to do an order on 75 pages? Unless you’re smoking crack, you know these witnesses aren’t going to be called.“
• “You’ve made your record for appeal,” Koh said to one of Samsung’s lawyers from Quinn Emmanuel after he pressed her on why she dismissed some of Samsung’s evidence, according to All Things D. “Don’t make me sanction you, please.”

That’s right: This judge is in charge, and don’t you forget it.

Got more favorite Koh quotes? Let us know in the comments.

Lucy Koh image via Cult of Mac, Meme via Meghan Kelly/VentureBeat