What to expect when you’re expecting a new iPhone from Apple

After the drip-drip-drip leaks revealing every detail of the latest iPhones, the new gadgets will finally be unveiled today by Apple at its annual festival of tech hype that is at once unequalled and epically anti-climactic.

But we understand that even though you already know everything that you will know about what is going to be announced, there is more that you would like to know, even if you don’t know what that is and despite the fact that there may be nothing else to know.

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Fortunately, thanks to a string of sources, mostly imagined, we’ve got the inside scoop on exactly what will go down when the Apple Event gets underway later today.

Sources close to CEO Tim Cook have indicated that the event will, in all likelihood, begin with him walking on stage to rapturous applause. These same sources have said that he will probably be wearing a button down shirt that is untucked. That is, the bottom part will not be hidden inside his pants (probably jeans), but rather visible and covering the exterior.

These sources have indicated a divide within the Cook camp on this point, however, and it’s possible he may tuck it in. While there was discussion about going with a half-tucked look, this was eventually dismissed as ridiculous and merely slovenly. These sources cautioned that Cook could change his mind at the last minute, depending on whether he is suddenly feeling da’ funk.

Once the hosannas subside, Cook plans to recite a mind-numbing litany of statistics, including the fact that Apple has sold 1 billion iPhones, that there are more apps in the App Store than there are stars in the sky, that Apple has made a crap-ton of money for developers, and that people are super-duper happy with their Apple products, according to an array of data.

The audience is expected to gasp, our sources say, and many will likely shake their heads in amazement.

From there, insiders believe Cook will cede the stage to other Apple executives who will re-demo the new version of Apple iOS, as if they had not just done this a few weeks ago at the company’s developer’s conference. The audience will gasp and also pretend they have not already seen all these new features and read 10,000 blog posts about them when really, they should have been doing something more constructive with their time, like regrouting that bathtub that keeps leaking and, frankly, is pretty damn moldy and that their partner has been on their back about for about two weeks now.

At some point, there will be a presentation of the new iPhone, which, according to people who claim to have seen discarded boxes outside a manufacturing plant in China, will be slightly different from the last iPhones and will likely, but not necessarily, be called iPhone 7. Among its many features, it will allow users to make phone calls and access the internet from remote locations.

Insiders suggest that, at some point, the company will play a soft-focused video featuring Sir Jony Ive, who never appears live on stage, in order to maintain the air of mystery around Apple’s design guru. During the video, Ive is expected to speak in hushed, reverent tones about the care with which each single component is lovingly caressed and cared for, because it’s this obsessiveness that makes Apple so very different from a certain group of idea-stealing thugs making lesser versions from an unnamed country in Asia. He will speak as if in a church, explaining holy relics to pilgrims who have travelled from afar just to clutch the hem of his robe.

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The audience will swoon, people close to Ive have indicated. Some may weep, while others exchange high fives.

Following the video, the audience is expected to feel itself oddly moved, as if a mystical being has somehow touched their soul and given them a greater lightness of being. Sources say that several audience members will, in fact, find themselves thinking constantly about this Ive video, wondering if others feel this same thing and laying awake at night replaying it in their heads. It’s not exactly, you know, erotic or anything, because that would be weird. No, it’s more…sensual. Yes, that’s the word. Somehow it was sensual in an abstract way that they just can’t shake. They find themselves growing more distant from their partner, unable to express this for fear of how this will all sound when spoken out loud. Some will divorce. Others will just despair over the growing abyss between themselves and humanity and instead start spending more time on Facebook in hopes of filling the void, according to sources. It won’t work. And that yearning for something more will remain.

Sources close to the internet have told us that despite the absolute lack of new information, millions off people are expected to watch the livestream in hopes of finding renewed purpose in their lives. These sources said that the annual Apple Event has become for tech nerd-dom a kind of global Super Bowl, a game that is often drastically overhyped, over-analyzed, and usually dull and whose outcome is entirely predictable and often certain before the end of the first quarter. However, these sources have missed this irony, and instead continue to believe that it’s like the Super Bowl because it’s a chance for gadget hounds to virtually gather around a single event in the belief that this creates a feeling of community.

Meanwhile, sources familiar with the media say the lack of anything of consequence happening at the event will not stop a savage horde of reporters from tweeting, live blogging, and dissecting every single utterance. This will spawn an estimated 10,000 blog posts mingled with a shocking number of live chats, followed by post-event analysis to debate whether Apple blew past all expectations or whether Apple has lost its innovative mojo.

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These media sources also claim there will be lots of lists made about things we learned and things you missed and things that are like, totally the most important.

Finally, there may be a surprise musical act at the end, because often there is. In past years, this has been Elvis Costello and U2. Although last year, it was One Republic, which sources said was like a kick in the balls, if we’re being totally honest here. These sources are confident it would be someone better, or perhaps no one at all, but as long as it’s not Josh Groban, then fine. Because that guy, sources say, totally makes us want to puke.

They added that all this was subject to change at the last minute.