This post has not been edited by the GamesBeat staff. Opinions by GamesBeat community writers do not necessarily reflect those of the staff.
Trying to keep up with all of the downloadable games and content that’s out there these days is enough to make a person cry. But cry no more, because Download Lowdown is here to help. Each week I’ll sift through the good, the bad, and the weird to help you get the most from your game system of choice without leaving your house.
This week I relive the “Great Final Fantasy Heist of ’97,” crash and burn in Flight Control, save you $5 on Wolfenstein 3D, enjoy dying in Bango, type the name “Blue Suede Goo,” and become hopelessly addicted to Star Defense.
Flight Control
System: iPhone
Price: $.99 
The Lowdown: Air-traffic controllers may be more prone to substance abuse and suicide than most other professions, but that doesn’t mean you can’t have fun pretending to be one! Ten minutes with Flight Control is all that it took for me to realize that I’d probably end my first shift as an ATC hanging from the ceiling with a bottle of pills at my feet. How you freaks enjoy games like Cake Mania, Diner Dash, and Flight Control, where the “fun” comes from getting stressed-the-hell-out, is beyond me.
Flight Control has been updated for free with more planes and two new levels. Check it out if you’re only happy when the game you’re playing is more stressful than your job.
What Twitter says:
moo_meow describes Christ in an all-new, very disturbing way: “Holy sweet horny Christ, they released a new version of f’ing Flight Control. Let the traffic controlling begin.”
AVWeekBenet sounds like they’re ripe for an intervention: “Flight Control isn’t that addicting. I don’t play it while driving or showering…just everywhere else (OK maybe while driving).”
Antonywelsh has a Samantha Ronson/Lindsay Lohan thing going on with the game: “Flight Control is the single most annoyingly addictive game. Ever. I hate it!”
Clay Fighter
System: Wii Virtual Console
Price: 800 Wii Points ($8) 
The Lowdown: Consider the bottom of the Virtual Console barrel scraped. Clay Fighter wasn’t very good when it was released in 1994, and it’s nothing more than semiplayable garbage at this point. By “semiplayable garbage” I mean that it’s like getting trash out of a trash can and then playing with it on the kitchen floor, except on the Wii you’re going to need to drop $8 for the privilege.
If you’re still thinking about buying this turd, this blurb from the press release should change your mind: “Choose from among the unique clay creatures, such as Bonker, the cheerfully manic clown, or Blue Suede Goo, the mild-mannered Elvis impersonator turned violent vocalist. Master their “Claytalities,” like the operatic Helga’s deadly high note and Bad Mr. Frosty’s fists of snowball fury!”
What the GameSpot user reviews say:
Clubhaxor knows that the best way to view Clay Fighter is from 15 years away: “It’s enjoyable memory thinking about Icky Bon Clay and Taffy but don’t ruin the nostalgia and play it again.”
CenetaurmanE52 thinks something went horribly wrong between the idea stage and finished product: “This game has all the stuff for a great fighting game, but they really screwed up and made a horrible game.”
Garrison_Ford must have some stupid friends: “If you want to play this game, I would say to hype up the game to one of your friends and have them buy the game. Sucker!”
Final Fantasy 7
Systems: PlayStation 3, PSP
Price: $9.99
The Lowdown: I never finished Final Fantasy 7 — know why? Because some dick broke into my house and stole my PlayStation with disc three of the game and my memory card still inside. I just never had the heart to go back and do everything over. But regardless of my sob story, Final Fantasy 7 is a great game, and it’s a great game you can download for the PS3 and PSP for one penny less than $10.
Yeah, it’s not the remake that Sony and Square teased us with the day they showed the PS3 for the first time, but if there’s one thing I’ve learned in this business, it’s that nobody can milk a franchise without creating ill will like Square Enix. You’ll buy this version now, say how great it is, buy the remake in two years, say it’s amazing, and then buy some newfangled FF7-related thing every two years for the rest of your life while thanking Sqaure Enix for the privilege.
What NeoGaf says:
Snowden is talking about either his most recent date, FF7’s gameplay, or perhaps both: “Grinding has never been so fun!”
Chemo discovers that a tiny screen does wonders for dated graphics: “I’m stunned at how good this looks on PSP. I knew it would look better than it looked on TVs back in the day, but it’s really just clean and attractive.”
GeoramA remembers the first time Final Fantasy 7 let him go all the way: “I really envy all the FFVII virgins here. The first time was so wonderful.”
Star Defense
System: iPhone
Price: $5.99
The Lowdown: Either I’m going blind, or this game is insanely dark (crank your phone’s brightness way up before playing). I wrote that first impression 90 minutes ago — before I became hopelessly addicted to the iPhone’s latest tower-defense game and was unable to pull myself away long enough to write some impressions.
It’s kind of like a cross between Field Runners (tower defense on the iPhone), Super Mario Galaxy (you’ll use the entire small planet, rotating it with your finger), and Puzzle Quest (the way you progress from one area to the next). This game is so ridiculously engrossing that I can’t even see straight and I still won’t put it down. In fact, I’m kind of annoyed that I’m writing this and not playing it right now. Maybe just one more game…
What the reviews say:
Kotaku’s pirate overlord is mildly impressed: “While this doesn’t reinvent the genre, it offers enough new to the way you play the game to make it worth picking up.”
IGN, as is often the case, is perhaps a little too excited in their review: “By wrapping the action around globes and cubes and tweaking the balance until it was damn near perfect, ngmoco has resuscitated [the tower defense genre]. It’s also raised the bar in a way that all competitors should both dread and be thrilled by.”
TouchArcade has had enough of those inferior 2D tower defense games: “I can safely say that it’s going to be very hard to go back to my former non-3D tower defense favorites.”
Wolfenstein 3D
Systems: Xbox Live Arcade
Price: 400 points ($5)
The Lowdown: Great news: There’s another old-ass first-person-shooter available for Xbox Live Arcade! If you’re totally bored you can drop five bucks to see how poorly the best FPS from 1992 has aged.
Or, if you have half a brain, you could play it for free, in your Internet browser, right here. That’s right; the game I could barely get to run on my crappy Packard Bell back in the day can now be played in a friggin’ Web browser.
What the commenters at MajorNelson.com say:
Tes7769 would not play this game with a fox, on a box, on a train, or in the rain: “YAWN! Been there, done that, a LONG time ago. No need to relive it on my 360, not even for 400 points, not even for free…”
Dubbington finally puts that masters degree in sarcasm to good use: “Not available in ten regions AND packed with 160MB of non-optional bloat in the US release? Good stuff.”
Azor gives props to the past…and then promptly craps all over it: “Although this game was revolution at its time, it’s just lame now and seriously not worth revisiting when there is so many other games more worthy of gaming time. I won’t be downloading, even if it was free.”
Bango
System: PC
Price: Free
The Lowdown: Oh Bango, I love you and I hate you so much. I love spotting a pattern and then running around making blocks vanish for a big fat time bonus. I hate your music because it makes me want to move around too fast, and when I move too fast, I die. But I love moving fast, and because death means a quick restart, I’m not going to slow down for anybody.
Think I’m crazy? Start your own love/hate relationship with Bango for the low price of free to find out what’s making me so mental. Oh yeah, and as Prid mentions below, there’s a walkthrough built into the game, so if you get stuck, you just hit a button and you’re good to go. It’s a pretty neat idea that I’ve never seen before.
What the Internet says:
Wassup and I both can’t get the music off our minds: “What is the music for this game? I think I heard it on newgrounds once.”
Prid must be the best gamer ever if they think this game is easy: “Easy game, but on some levels you have to get on the edge to reach another one, that is SO lame! Anyways, AWESOME GAME! NO need to make walkthroughs, cause there is already one in the game.”
Soher McKinny proves that mastery of the English language is not required to enjoy Bango: “Great platform game I’ve ever played in web, it is so simple but by the way it is too compulsive…”
That’s it for this week’s Download Lowdown. This column is still a work in progress, so if you have any ideas, criticism, or praise, post it in the comments below. See you next week!