The Bitmob E3 2009 Non-Award Awards

We here at Bitmob are incredibly proud to not present any awards for E3 2009. Believe you us, it took hours of contentious debate and consideration to reach that conclusion. For example, I was dead set on giving God of War 3 Best Action Game. Greg Ford thought it should go to Assassin’s Creed 2. Eventually, we hugged and decided they could both share the award. Then we realized that was stupid, and so were awards in general. Then Michael Donahoe said but what about Bayonetta?

Anyway! Please enjoy the Bitmob E3 2009 Non-Award Awards, which, as discussed, are not awards. (Lots more after the ‘Read more,’ too.)

Most Disturbing New Term: "Wii-nis envy"
We can’t take credit for this one. When talking about Sony’s new motion-controller wands, Wedbush Morgan analyst Michael Pachter said on Bonus Round that Sony had Wii-nis envy. Thanks for the visuals, Pachter. Hopefully, we’ll have forgotten about this by the time we get hands-on with the controllers. -Dan "Shoe" Hsu

Amazing Demo Malfunction
During Microsoft’s Project Natal unveiling, Kudo Tsunoda demo’d Natal mapping his movements onto an Xbox Live avatar. "You ever wonder what the bottom of an Avatar’s shoe looks like?" he asked. "Wa-bam, there it is!" Only problem was, during the course of that "wa-bam," Kudo’s avatar was doing some kind of tortured Elaine dance routine rather than simply turning around and lifting a foot. -Demian

 [video:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pXN7vLPsDSM 425×344]

Best Reggie Impersonation
Nintendo’s Cammie Dunaway, whose direct, intense cadence had us wondering if Nintendo puts Ah-nold personality chips into all of its executive team before the press conference. -Greg

Surprise Franchise Reboot
It took four games across two systems, but Atlus finally nailed the surgical-sim concept in last year’s Under the Knife 2 on DS. But instead of milking the franchise and resting on their laurels, the Persona developer’s upping the ante with Trauma Team, which lets you play as six different types of doctors in various parts of a hospital. Bring on the podiatrist! And the best news? Sounds like over-the-top supervirus GUILT — the bane of Trauma Center players everywhere — is DOA this time around. -Andrew Fitch

Seriously?

Missed Opportunity to Maybe Create an International Incident
Us, for not thinking to type ‘Muhammed’ during our Scribblenauts demo. The big thing about Scribblenauts, if you haven’t heard, is that pretty much whatever you type appears in the game. -Demian

Biggest New Genre: God of War
It’s official. God of War is a genre now. See: Dante’s Inferno, Darksiders, Castlevania: Lords of Shadow, and probably about five others we’re forgetting. -Shoe

Sit Down and Cheer Moment
"Wie-be! Wie-be! Wie-be!" the crowd around the G4 "Steve Wiebe tries to break the Donkey Kong high-score record" booth would rhythmically chant after successful levels as the King of Kong star racked up the points. We got a Donkey Kong kill screen, but unfortunately no record. Word is a power outage put a premature end to attempt #3. Accident…or Mitchell? -Greg

Gimmicky Feature That Looks Legit
3D. Put on a pair of those IMAX-style 3D glasses, and the graphics actually pop in Ubisoft’s Avatar and Namco’s XBLA/PSN Invincible Tiger. -Greg

Conspicuous By His Absence
Koji "IGA" Igarashi’s trademark cowboy hat, flowing locks, and whip were nowhere to be seen this E3 — instead, Konami’s given Metal Gear mastermind Hideo Kojima ultimate control over the upcoming Castlevania: Lords of Shadow on PS3 and 360. It’s a shame, because there might not even be a Castlevania series to reboot if not for IGA’s passionate efforts to keep the series relevant over the past decade. Let’s hope Konami recognizes that, too. -Fitch

Thought This Was Going to be Way Cooler
James Cameron is on the stage at the Ubisoft press conference! The James Cameron who makes movies! He’s up there talking about Avatar! He’s going to cue up the trailer right after he stops talking! But wait, he’s still talking. Continuing to talk. Still. Talking. No trailer. -Demian

Best Random New Controller
Nintendo’s revamped Virtual Console controller with PlayStation-like grips. You’d think Nintendo would, y’know, announce a new peripheral (especially one that we know works 100% with games), but instead they showcased this new joystick in a glass case tucked away in their booth. -Michael

Most Surreal Press Conference Appearance
Nope, it wasn’t the Beatles at Microsoft. Creepy Jigsaw actor Tobin Bell made a surprise appearance at Konami’s conference to pimp the company’s upcoming Saw adaptation…and proceeded to ramble on longer than just about anyone at the presentation outside of Hideo Kojima. But who’s gonna have the guts to tell Jigsaw to shut his trap? Even more surreal: The Saw game might actually be kind of good, judging from the demo. -Fitch

Best/Shadiest Marketing Ploy: Dante’s Inferno Protest
Anti-Dante’s Inferno protestors outside of the LA Convention Center drew a lot of attention — it wasn’t until a bit later before people started realizing they were planted by clever/devious marketing folks. The biggest clue? The website listed in their pamphlets (notice where the last link on the page takes you). -Shoe

Best Spectator Game
We Cheer 2, depending on who’s playing. It can be surprisingly hypnotic. -Greg

"Are We There Yet?"
The wait to play the God of War 3 demo. It didn’t take long to play most games on the show floor (including most of Nintendo’s offerings), but the wait for God of War 3 was legendary. Legendarily long. -Michael

Best Worst Fake Triple Take
Microsoft’s Don Mattrick, when Hideo Kojima took the stage to introduce Metal Gear Solid: Rising. As if to say, "Oh, Hideo Kojima? I didn’t see you there!" -Demian

Image credit: Kibbles on NeoGAF

Biggest No-Shows: Zelda for Wii, Slim PS3 (tie)
Shigeru Miyamoto told the press that Nintendo was this close to debuting a new Zelda for Wii at E3, but it just wasn’t ready in time. Next year. The rumored slimmed-down PS3 was nowhere to be seen, either. And this is more wishful thinking on our part, but we were hoping Microsoft would’ve revealed a redesigned Xbox 360 that was smaller, quieter, and red-ring-of-death-less. -Shoe

Best Demo Rooms: 2K Games
Whether it was BioShock 2‘s Rapture-themed décor and lighting, Borderlands‘ wall of prop guns, or Mafia 2‘s half-car and vintage street lights, 2K put extra special care into their off-the-show-floor demo rooms. -Shoe

Worst Historical Retcon
Leonardo da Vinci becomes Renaissance Q, peddling gadgets in Assassin’s Creed 2. -Demian

Didn’t Need to Play it To Know It’d Be Fun: New Super Super Mario Bros. Wii
Four-player cooperative/competitive old-school 2D Mario? You might as well have called it Four Swords Adventure: The Mario Edition. We knew it’d be fun before even touching it, and we were right. -Shoe

Best Makeover: The Jason Bourne-ification of Sam Fisher in Splinter Cell: Conviction
The new Sam Fisher is more brutal and nasty. He’s no longer bound by agency rules; this rogue agent doesn’t care whose heads need to go through which porcelain urinals for him to track down his daughter’s killer. -Shoe

Girls Gone Mild
Both Nintendo and Ubisoft are pumping out estrogen-filled games for the DS like Style Savvy and the entire Imagine line. And people wonder why Grand Theft Auto: Chinatown Wars didn’t sell — not enough shopping and/or partying with babies. -Michael

Wish We Could Do This Stuff In Real Life: Just Cause 2
You’ve always wanted to parachute into an enemy camp, tether an enemy to a large, torpedo-shaped fuel tank with your grappling hook, shoot the tank to get it to spew out a fiery jet, making it fly away, dragging the poor guy behind it. Now you can. -Shoe

Needed Kick to the Ball
Katamari Forever. This PS3 entry looks better and offers varied objectives. May we fall in <3 again? -Greg

Irony is Ironic: Wii Vitality Sensor
If we would’ve been wearing one of these things when Nintendo showed it at its press conference, they would’ve known just how not-excited we all were. Don’t show something that radically different without a tech or game demo, guys. Instead, we’re stuck thinking up cool ideas for it ourselves! -Shoe