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I like Super Smash Bros. Brawl. It's good fun. Unlike most Nintendo fans, I'm not a raving, drooling lunatic, who will still pledge allegiance to Starfox Adventures. Okay, that's unfair, but we've all come across the very specific internet personality who just will not allow anything Nintendo does to be faulted. There are even people who will defend the incredibly confounding Vitality Sensor. Observe:

From IGN.com, gamedudeplayer says:
"I see it having potential in the horror genre where your level of fear can change gameplay elements. Or maybe in the FPS or on rails shooter genre when the difficulty of sniping changes based on your heart rate… It'll probably create its own genre as well, and as someone who loves to just sit back and relax, I may be someone who'll purchase the software used to market this product."

This is absolute craziness. If this is what they say about a shitstir crazy device for the diabetic demographic, you can only imagine what they think about a genuinely fun game.

In an attempt to understand this type of behavior, I've submitted myself to an experiment. I will play the two year old Super Smash Bros. Brawl and under no uncertain circumstances will I allow myself to make a single negative comment. In fact, everything the game does is revolutionary, a milestone for the industry, and inherently commentary on all other games and Nintendo competitors. (For the purposes of this article I played a couple hours from the beginning of the game, and then booted up a save file, which has a good portion of the game's content unlocked).

Starting now! And may God forgive me.

Upon booting up, I explore my options. First of all, I have to say that Nintendo's presentation of their user manuals is sublime. Their diagrams are bordering on a character-less language and if I were part of a pre-literate society, I'd stand a good chance of competing in this game. Nintendo doesn't just appeal to casual and hardcore markets, but they appeal to all people, in all times, in all places. Genghis Khan, Abraham Lincoln, Australopithecus Afarensis, Nintendo's there for them.

I see that I can use one of four control methods. While I am definitely choosing the Gamecube option, I will say that this is a remarkable achievement in Options Menu history. I mean, you can use different buttons on an X-Box controller, but how many games let you use FOUR DIFFERENT CONTROLLERS? Super Smash Bros. Brawl. That's what.

Given my choice of options, I decide to take on the Subspace Emissary. According to the apt description, I am on a mission in a space contained within a space. Nintendo has literally brought gaming to the 4th dimension.

Another great thing here is the fact that no Nintendo characters are enemies within this mode. While the game is wholly predicated upon Nintendo's own history, they were able to break the mold and come up with a handful of new enemies and bosses, totally unrelated to anything anyone has ever seen before! They have their own personalities and style! The great part is that these guys are now part of Nintendo Canon and stand a pretty good chance of being featured in future Smash Bros. games.

This mode also brings to light another great decision on the part of Nintendo. While I am very happy with the selection of characters at the outset, as I play the Subspace Emissary, I am unlocking even more characters! It's like a game within the game!

Speaking of secret characters, I just want to point out the nefarious sleight of hand employed by the designers. To actually provide secret characters that were secret characters in previous installments is genius! Who would expect that coming? I thought I was done with Luigi, but nope, here he is again.

Seriously now, I want to point out something that a couple of the characters reveal. 1) The presence of Sonic in a Nintendo game proves that Nintendo won the 16 bit console war. 2) The presence of Snake proves that Nintendo won the 32 bit console war, and Nintendo didn't even have a 32 bit system! Awesome.

I move on to Classic Mode, despite the amount of fun I am having smashing the same enemies in the same levels (to their credit, Nintendo did a fantastic job changing up the textures so that the levels are brand new every time).

This is exactly what Smash Bros is all about. My favorite character, [I'm torn between Zelda/Sheik and Samus, but I think the introduction of Zero Suit Samus puts it over the top ;)], against the greatest Nintendo characters of all time. I love the fact that they've added a win button in form of a Final Smash. You can tell it's balanced because it's a win button with only some characters, and not for others.

Playing through a few times, and I start unlocking trophies, stickers, all sorts of great stuff. It's a veritable museum! I don't know how many times I've asked myself "Remember that game? Yeah that was awesome!" Except when it's an obscure reference to a Japanese title. Fortunately, Google has been pretty good in filling in the gaps.

I will also point out that these are much better than achievements or trophies, because you have to bring your friends over to your house to look at them. You can see the amazement in their face right in front of you, instead of having them go online. So much better.

Finally, I want will have to comment on the genius behind the inclusion of masterpieces. I love the fact that they are timed demos. Instead of bulking the game up with kilobytes, and in some instances, megabytes of data, we get just a taste, so we can download them on Virtual Console. It's like going to a museum which features museums. It's so meta, and no less than a revolution in the way we consume retro games.

All this being said, I am hesitant to try the online part. I mean Nintendo says it's okay, but I really think they are doing it just because of pressure from the Xbots and the PlayStation…tonians… Anyway, I have to believe that this is a clever ruse on the part of Nintendo. If they wanted me to play online, they wouldn't make it so hard! TRUE SMASH BROS FANS (like me) only play with people who are sitting on the couch, and friend codes are evidence that TRUE NINTENDO EXECUTIVES believe it as well.

All in all, this is pretty much the best game ever made, and two years into sales, the Xbox 360 and Playstation 3 are pretty much due for collapse. The industry will never be the same, games will never be the same, and truth be told, I don't know if I will ever be the same as well.

Author's Note
The author made a concentrated attempt
To dismiss sarcasm in favor of satire
But he went too far down the rabbit hole
He was last seen in Link's green attire