This post has not been edited by the GamesBeat staff. Opinions by GamesBeat community writers do not necessarily reflect those of the staff.
The XBLI developers prove themselves to be a bunch of assholes today, releasing twelve mostly shitty games for me to play and you to ignore. How long before this stops being funny?
Chaos
Chaos may have one of the most frustrating twists on the twin-stick shooter formula ever. The goal is to use a deflector that you aim with the right stick to slow down enemies. The enemies bounce off the walls and each other, and if they hit you where you aren’t deflecting, you die. You’re essentially a peacekeeper, jumping into a chaotic situation and telling everyone to calm down. It’s an interesting idea, but has that ever been fun for anyone? (80pts)
ULTRA-POWERED MASSAGER!
From the creator of Get the Ball comes ULTRA-POWERED MASSAGER, a collection of three games for a mere dollar. You get ULTRA-POWERED MASSAGER, Get the Ball, and Tap A, all for the price of one game! Amazing! I don’t even need to describe these wonderful games to you because they’re all self-explanatory. Buy it now and wash away the shame later! (Don’t buy this game.) (80pts, but seriously, don’t buy it.)
Zombie Mania
Zombie Mania’s premise of “zombie Pacman” is a pretty inspired one – unfortunately, the execution is utterly boring. Each stage is overly long, the zombies aren’t very threatening, and the world itself is ugly and nonsensical. There’s a good game behind this idea, but we might need another developer to take the torch and follow through. (400pts)
Beer Screensaver
Beer Screensaver begs the question: how much can a game utterly fail? It’s nothing more than a piss-yellow screen with some bubbles here and there. But the worst part? It’s not a screensaver at all! In fact, the developer has to warn at the beginning of the game that their Beer Screensaver actually causes burn-in. (80pts)
Agent MOO: Maximum Overdeath
Agent MOO seems to come from an imagination fueled by Gushers and Mountain Dew. It’s an endearing 2D multiplayer shooter with an art style and sound effects that could only be described as homegrown. It has online play, bots, vehicles, and even its own achievements. I want to love it for how ridiculous it is, but the combat (the actual game) is ultimately really limited. Your tactical choices in a fight essentially boil down to jumping around and shooting and hoping you don’t die first. (240pts)
PebbleDash
In PebbleDash you can walk around in four directions, like a Zelda game. But then if you walk underneath rocks they fall downward. It’s not clear whether you’re flying and the rocks are acting on gravity or if you’re walking and the rocks have some kind of vendetta against you. Either way, this game is such a terrible homage to classics like Dig Dug or Mr. Driller that even the developer is probably playing those instead. (240pts)
Music Roll
Music Roll may be the most unintuitive thing to ever grace a game console. You should try it just so you can say you’ve experienced the most perfect example of how not to make an interface. (80pts)
Destruction Tank
From the game’s description: “DESTRUCTION TANK is a TPS tank shooting game of full 3D. As for this game of the simple TPS-style, a single play mode and the multi-play with greatest 4 of all the 6 stage are possible by five kinds of tanks. I do not have any problem even if there is not an opponent by a multi-play. Bot makes up for lack of number of people and becomes your opponent.” I don’t have a problem either because I’ll never play this game again. (240pts)
360 Mega App Pack HD
This game has consistently locked up my 360 before it even starts. I guess it’s just too mega-packed with apps to handle. How did this get through peer review? (80pts)
Advanced Rock Paper Scissors
I have a joke for you: An Indie game walks into the market and says, “I’m rock paper scissors with a twist.” No one downloads the game and the creatively starved developer literally starves to death. Years later a programmer finds the source code and begins to wipe his ass with it. Another programmer turns to him and says, “That’s disgusting, what do you call it?” The first programmer turns to him and says, “The Aristocra…I mean, Advanced Rock Paper Scissors!” (80pts)
Superspace
Superspace has some genuinely cool physics behind it, but it’s ultimately more trouble than it’s worth. Some games walk a fine line between fun and irritation, but Superspace sits stubbornly in the latter. The game really makes no attempts to be engaging. You’ll spend most of the trial shuttling crates around, trying desperately not to crash into any walls while enemies shoot tons of single-pixel bullets at you.
(240pts)
SMART SPLITTER
SMART SPLITTER seems like a blessing after all the other crap that came out today. The idea is to shoot a limited number of balls at an arrangement of blocks in order to create a chain reaction. The presentation is pretty great, and the gameplay is extremely simple. Honestly it’s not amazing, as it seems to reward memorization above all else, but the defiantly engrish exclamation of “STAGE CREAR!” is enough to make anyone’s day.
(240pts)
Thank god that’s over. Now I can get back to Trials HD.