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Editor’s Note: Looking for a chuckle? Check out this hilarious piece from Max, who mixes some misadventures of Link with Simpsons sensibilities. -Greg
KAKARIKO VILLAGE, HYRULE — Police have reported yet another disturbance in town, caused again by a mysterious traveler wearing a green tunic. According to the report reported to the Police Report Office of Hyrule, the man reportedly walked into the home of Terrance and Margaret Enpecee at approximately 7:15 p.m. yesterday evening.
After smashing three pots in the corner of the room, the thief picked up their contents, which consisted of two rupees and one human heart. He then left the house without a word. The couple believe that they heard a brief musical tune as the door closed, and some citizens of the town claim they saw a man high in the sky, grasping a small bird, though it has not been confirmed whether this was the same person.
“Those rupees were my life’s savings,” Terrance Enpecee told journalists, “and now what will I do if one of my children is attacked by an octorok on the way home from school? It will take me forever to save up for another heart.”
The First National Bank of Hyrule is using these events as opportunities to promote its services. “The time of storing our money and vital organs in easily breakable jars, pots, and vases has long been over, and it is unfortunate that it must take circumstances such as these for people to see that this is the case,” said a bank spokesperson.
Unfortunately, Kakariko Village has been plagued by similar robberies for about a month now, with no indication of these incidents slowing down. In each case, residents have observed this pointy-eared, green-clad young man entering their houses, destroying property, and taking anything he can find.
Many eyewitnesses claim to have seen the thief armed with a sword, bow, boomerang, and — in some cases — even bombs, though he never used any of them on his victims.
“He was an oddly silent fellow, that there robber was,” claimed Jared Voleman, one of the first to fall prey to the thief. “We here in Kakariko try to be the helpful types, you know? We don’t mind giving advice to random strangers who wander into town. In fact, I was ready to tell that man about the weakness to this giant worm creature that lives in a tower on top of Death Mountain. ‘Give him a good whack on the end of his tail,’ I was ready to say. I don’t know why he would care to know a useless bit of information like that, or even how I know it in the first place, but I just really like to throw out obscure trivia like that.”
Hyrule police are stepping up security in order to catch the thief. All over town, they have put up wanted posters describing his characteristics, some even claiming that the thief kidnapped Princess Zelda just to give citizens an extra incentive to report any suspicious activity.
“All a person has to do is shout that they see the thief, and we’ll come charging in,” explained Chief Ziggum, who commands the Kakariko branch of the Hyrule police division. “I will not stand for the senseless slaughter of our pots any longer…. Oh, and the people too…. Yeah, we got to protect them I guess.”
Luckily, the thief’s image was captured on a ceiling security camera during the last robbery. All citizens are asked to carefully study this picture below and report any sightings of this man.
Anyone who contributes information leading to the arrest will receive an all-expenses-paid one-way trip to the Golden Land provided by the King of Hyrule himself.
