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Editor’s note: Another important news update from The Disgruntled Vegetable. -Shoe
WASHINGTON, D.C. — A panel of the country’s leading psychologists expressed dismay over the amount of time many of the nation’s minors spend playing the latest MMO with the deceptively simple title of “School.”
The concerns were aired last week at the American Youth Psychological Convention (or AYPC). Recent studies show that about 55 million citizens between the ages of 5 and 18 in the United States alone participate in this game.
“The facts are really astounding if you take the time to look at them,” Dr. Richard Sparks tells Disgruntled Vegetable reporters. “Our surveys show that 95 percent of those playing this game spend at least six to seven hours per day, five days per week, just sitting at their desks. Quite a few of them also play a few extra hours a day, doing minigames known as ‘Extra-Curricular Activities.'”
Some of these experts also accused the game’s developers of preying upon the children’s young, undeveloped minds. With all of the letters and numbers on posters hanging from the walls, it’s no wonder that kids are so attracted to them at such an immature age,” says Dr. Nancy Baloni. “Likewise, adolescents and young adults are retained with the promise of heavier weapons — which the game refers to as ‘textbooks’ — and longer quests known as ‘homework.’”
A moderator on one of the game’s servers, known to say the word “Bueller” repeatedly
Baloni and two of her colleagues, Doctors Fredrick Adders and Janice Lebowitz, announced at the convention the founding of the Baloni-Adders-Lebowitz School Addiction Clinic, or BALSAC, that would seek to break children of this unhealthy habit. “Kids need to know that there are plenty of other more important activities in life than playing ‘School’ all of the time,” explained Dr. Baloni. “Doing sports, going fishing — heck, even just standing around throwing rocks at each other has to be more beneficial than sitting in a cramped room full of old books and calculators all day.”
Parents are also letting their opinions heard on this issue. Patricia Fergus, mother of a grade-level 10 high-schooler, voiced her concerns over her son’s addiction. “Last night, Jacob was up until 10:30 trying to gain enough experience to level-up his Intelligence and Wisdom stats, saying that he had to face a boss tomorrow, something called a ‘Geometry Exam.’ He has become so wrapped up in this game that he doesn’t even watch television or pick on his younger sister anymore.”
A guild desperately attempting to gain experience in order to level-up
The future is looking grim for BALSAC and other anti-“School” activists. With more and more children of all races and economic backgrounds participating in this game, it does not look like its popularity will decline anytime soon. Spin-off games, such as “Private-School” and “Home-School,” are also gaining popularity, with 6.5 million and 2 million kids taking part in each respectively. For older age groups, there is also a title called “College” which promises a much steeper difficulty curve.
“What truly disturbs me,” elaborated Dr. Baloni, “is that the government is doing nothing to stop this game from taking over our children’s lives. In fact, it is quite the opposite — the fat cats in Washington and in our states’ capitals are using taxpayer money to support it!” Digging deep into national records, Disgruntled Vegetable reporters were able to confirm this statement, with the “Education in the United States” Wikipedia page reliably stating that $972 billion of the national budget was allocated to these games in the year 2007.
Other troubling issues discussed at the AYPC included religion, politeness, and being geographically located in France. “All of these things can lead to extreme psychological consequences later in life and must be dealt with immediately,” stated Baloni. “Who knows what will become of our world if these problems are not swiftly amended?”
