The Disgruntled Vegetable: Shortage of Hovering Cubes Puts Strain on Local Plumbers

FREMONT, NE—The recent economic slump has taken a toll on all major industries throughout the country, but few have had a more difficult time than the plumbers working in the Midwest. As major plumbing companies thinned out their workforce by an upwards of 60%, many of the recently unemployed have taken to starting their own small businesses, servicing their neighbors for a fraction of the cost. 

“We don’t make much money—just barely enough to get by—but we also recognize that others have been hit by this recession, too, and could use the cheap help,” plumber Louis Mariano told reporters. Laid-off five months ago, Mariano was able to keep a steady income by providing area residents with his typical plumbing services until this August, when his supply of blocks floating in mid-air ran out.

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Mariano is not the only plumber affected by the shortage of hovering cubes. The Association for the Conservation of Floating Matter (ACFM) has received calls from over three hundred concerned individuals. A recently-released ACFM study pointed out that the number of hovering cubes has decreased by nearly 85% in the past eight years and shows no sign of slowing down.

The world was full of hovering cubes only ten years ago. 

“If we do not cease this bashing of our floating blocks, they could become extinct within the next two years,” Dr. Andrea Koopla explained. “I have already written a letter to President Obama over this urgent issue, asking him to enforce a ten-year minimum ban on the destruction of all levitating objects. We believe this will give them enough time to reproduce and maintain a stable population.”

In the meantime, Dr. Koopla and her fellow researchers have been taking their message to the people at public forums throughout the United States. “It just makes me sick when I see some well-off person head-butting a helpless floating block,” Koopla told listeners. “There are so many other people who depend the contents of those blocks to make a living. Also, from a national security standpoint, the disappearance of floating blocks could leave us wide-open for a reptile or carnivorous-plant invasion.”

Despite this sensible argument, a number of protesters have taken a stand against the ACFM. “If we let them-there floaty-things repopulate, what happens when there’s too many of ’em and they start overgrazing our woods?” asked a local man at a city council meeting before a nearby person whispered to him that he was thinking about white-tailed deer. Other protesters argued that their “right to destroy floating stuff” is guaranteed by the Constitution, though no one as of press time was able to point out the article it fell under. 

“It’s in there, believe me. It’s definitely in there,” said a psychotic nut-job. 

A confused protester rallies against the possible ban on floating block destruction.

These protests have made a complete ban on the destruction of floating blocks highly unlikely, but several members of Congress have stated that they would support a bill allocating money to a floating-block reserve where, as the rough draft reads, “the cubes would be able to roam freely in a natural environment.” Many Democrats are pushing for as much as $3.5 quadrillion for this reserve, but numerous Republicans have sworn that they would whine and complain until the price was lowered a little.

“These floating blocks have been a vital asset to our nation, and thousands of people’s careers depend on their survival, which is why I wholeheartedly support the passing of this bill,” explained Pennsylvania Senator Arlen Specter, before immediately changing his mind.

“Whatever they do, I just hope that it can get me back on my feet and helping other people,” said Mariano. “Until then, I think I’m going to take a break and play some golf or tennis for a while.”