The 7 Coolest Moments in the God of War Series (Thus Far)

Be not fooled, interweb screwheads, for I am not Michael Crowley, but Zeus! I come here, to your filthy porn communications network, to share with you "THE OFFICIAL 7 COOLEST MOMENTS IN THE GOD OF WAR FRANCHISE (thus far)", as judged me, the fantastical and philandering God Zeus.

Now, I am sure the thought has run through your pitiful man brain as to why I, the almighty Zeus, would waste my time with human trappings such as petty "Top Random Number " lists. Bahaha, you foolish mortals! The reasoning is simple: THIS GAME SERIES IS THE SHIT.

Yes, it does focus around the destruction of me and my reign, but I'll be a hydra's enema if that beastly God of War franchise isn't aesthetically and sadistically pleasing.

So, without further pussyfooting around, I give to you the list.

MOMENT # 7: Kratos' First Encounter with the Hydra (GOW 1)

You pitiful mortals could never fathom the pain we here on Olympus felt as our ears were violently raped by the collective sound of a million asses clenching due to the first time mortal eyes witnessed Kratos' first encounter with the Hydra. I haven't heard such butthole clenching as that since that time Hera found out about my little fling with that Ganymede fella'…

MOMENT # 6: Whoopin' That Trick Perseus (GOW 2)

Ever since Clash of the Titans, Perseus has been such an overrated Greek icon, erego my immediate pleasure in witnessing his maiming in the second entry of the GOW series. In the scene, Kratos smashes that hoodrats head into oblivion, and for the finisher hung that homie to bleed like a piggy. Awesome.
Moment # 5: Stomping Cerberus Puppies (GOW 1&2)

Ah, the cerberus puppies, perhaps the most ridiculously pleasing of creatures to smash into jelly. The good samaratans behind the GOW series saw the importance of proper puppy stomping, and implemented it wonderfully in one of the cerberus boss battles in GOW 2, where your priority was to stomp the puppies into puppy goo before they could grow into 3 headed Kratos Killers. In one of the series' protagonists hugest indicators of mental instability, one can only imagine the amounts and varieties of small animals Kratos must have experimented on in microwaves and other household appliances as a deranged youth.

Moment # 4: Giving the Ol' In-Out to a Couple of Lucky Devotchkas (GOW:Chains of Olympus)

I bet, misguided mortal, that you thought, due to my famous philandering, I would place one of the sex mini-games into the top 3 of this list. But alas, of all the sex mini-games to appear in the series, I chose this one depicted in the PSP title, Chains of Olympus, due to it being the most symbolic, and poetic, of my powdery sons forays into fornication.  As the gamer makes each correct button command, the camera pans to a lit candle, which gradually, and with intensity, reaches a sparkling zenith, only to extinguish with immediate and unclimactic nothingness as Kratos climaxes. This passing of a brief moment of intensity (and bodily fluids), perfectly sums up Kratos' loss of humanity and existence without truly existing. Beautiful.

Anyways, what can I say, the powdery boy one-upped me. All I do is sex it up down on earth, and occasionally morph into a cow when the old lady becomes suspicious. I mean… I guess it's kinda kinky, what with the animal aspect, but it's not really all that popular with the ladies.

MOMENT # 3: Bashing in the Persian King's Head (COW:COO)

As the Persian King attempts to bribe Kratos with riches and women, in exchange for not bashing in his head, Kratos takes a moment to think the offer through, and wisely chooses to take not only his wealth and women, but also bash in his head, ironically, with a chest full of riches. Such efficiency in attaining three services for the price of liquifying one head can only be given the highest of praise during these uncertain and trying times of economic hardship.

MOMENT # 2: Bashing in Theseus' Head

This is perhaps the most satisfying moments of the series. After a long and annoying battl, Kratos sets up what is destined to be one of the most amazing head bashings to use a door, echoing "Your name is Buck… RIGHT?" in the heads of all fans of that satyr Quentin Tarantino's work. I think that I didn't need any sexual gratification for a week after witnessing such mastery of manliness and brain goopifying glory.

MOMENT # 1: Bashing in of My Own Head (GOW 2)

This fight involves 3 of my favorite things: time travel, penetration, and me. Though this part of the game depicts me being mauled, I must admit, it's awesome. And sexy. Oh so sexy… Whether its the unnecessary and sexually suggesting prolonged in and out motion of the Blade of Olympus in my guts, the confrontation between two physically fit adult men, or the accidental stabbing of Athena, this scene reeks of sexy.
There you have it you pathetic mortals, the 7 Coolest Moments in the God of War Series (Thus Far), as deemed by me. Now be gone to your Youporns and Redtubes, for I feel the frustration in your loins from your detour through this non-pornographic site, and it disturbs me.