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As I write this post, I’m awaiting possible annihilation at the powerful tendrils of an oncoming tornado, while my cat clings desperately to my legs, digging her claws into my flesh under the (probably erroneous) assumption that I’ll be sturdy enough to not get sucked up into the sky.  The supposedly violent weather, which actually appears relatively tame from my window, combined with this article on Discovery News (thanks to buddy Jeff for passing it along), got me thinking.

About aliens.

 

Well, sort of.  You see, I recently re-played Mass Effect in anticipation for the upcoming sequel and it was a much different journey my second time around.  My favorite aspects of the game actually seemed to shine brighter.  However, it’s flaws also glared much more harshly.  Specifically, I’m referring to the ability to “explore” uncharted worlds.

The final frontier

Right.  A little background just in case anyone out there hasn’t played the game.  If you have, then feel free to skip this paragraph.  Mass Effect is sci-fi action RPG.  You play as Commander Shepard, a Lieutenant Commander in the Human Alliance Navy and the first human Spectre — a super special autonomous agent of the galactic government known as the Citadel Council.  Your mission is to pursue Saren Arterius — a rogue Spectre — across the galaxy and stop him from destroying everything with his army of intelligent robots.  That’s extremely reductive but I think you get the basic idea: science fiction, space opera, aliens, robots, etc.  Along the way you’re given command of your very own ship — the ‘Normandy’ — and with it, the freedom to explore the untouched parts of the galaxy.  This aspect of the game primarily manifests itself in the form of exploring uncharted planets with your ‘Mako’ armored vehicle.

There.  Now that we have that out of the way, come and join me on the journey that is exploring every single one of these planets.

The Normandy swoops down low in the atmosphere, jettisoning your Mako APC so you and your two best squad mates can explore the frontier below.

This is your first time doing this.

And wow, what a place!  A completely untouched, alien world!  Did you ever imagine you’d get to see this?  It’s so, so, so… barren… but hey, that’s why it’s unsettled, right?  Hazardous environment and all that hooplah.  This is just the landing zone, on one world; surely, there’s so much more to see out there!  So you drive around, navigating your way through ridges and canyons.  You find an abandoned prospector camp and grab some neat goodies from their crates, lockers and corpses.  Continuing your road trip, you make more little discoveries — a crashed space probe here, a deposit of minerals there; maybe you find a pirate base and raid it for experience points and more knick-knacks.

Wowie, that was neat, but now it’s time to pack up and get back to woik.

Fast forward a bit.  This is your third or fourth time exploring an uncharted planet.

The Normandy flies in low and jettisons your Mako APC, so you and your two best squad mates can explore the frontier below.  It’s so, so, so… barren… but in a completely different way!  The last planet was covered in rocks and sand.  But this planet — oh, this planet — is covered in rocks and snow!  So, you drive around, this time just going over the ridges and canyons because the sketchy game physics of the Mako allow you to drive up and over almost everything (though it is often frustrating).  You drive in straight lines to the four corners of the area map because this the most efficient way to find stuff.  Another abandoned camp, another cashed space thing, a slaver base, maybe complete some side quests.

Snow World!

Snow World!

Yep, that was great.

Fast forward a bit.  You’re exploring your dozenth or so uncharted planet.

The Normandy flies in low and blah blah blah.  The planet is barren and volcanic.  You drive over pointy rocks, find some stuff, and kill some dudes.

“Ohh, look!  A lake of molten lava!”  That’s the coolest thing you’ve seen exploring these optional worlds, and, let’s be honest, it’s actually just a pool of red water that kills you if you touch it.  Well, I guess it’s time to pack up and go home.

Sand world, lava world, ice world, grass world — welcome to the final frontier.  Occasionally there are heavy winds.  Every so-often you’ll find an alien lifeform; giant bugs, monkey-lizards, the giant Thresher Maw monsters.  The first time I saw a Thresher Maw — the horrible abomination of teeth and tendrils that slaughtered my entire unit on Akuze — I nearly jumped out of my seat.  It plunges out from the ground with a horrible wailing shriek.  One look at the behemoth and I knew that if the Mako were caught in those jaws, it would mean instant death.  Luckily, driving in circles confuses the creatures easily and pelting them with explosive shells makes quick work of them.  Fighting them soon became a routine, just another part of the bigger routine of exploring uncharted planets.

“Exploration” becomes a pretty loose term after coming to this realization.  I’ve accepted that I’m never going to see anything truly interesting or strange on these worlds.  After number three or four (hey, I’m an optimist), I’m only bothering with them for the sake of finding more stuff, fighting more bad guys, and completing more quests.  Here I am, exploring the unexplored far-ends of outer space.  I’m out in the wild, away from advanced research stations, alien metropolises, claustrophobic spaceships, and ancient technologically advanced ruins, and what am I doing?  Picking up scraps left behind by those who came before or killing those who are currently there.

The sky is falling

To be fair, some of the skies are pretty groovy.

It’s so nauseatingly cynical.  This isn’t “exploration.”  This is just seeking more loot, experience and objectives.  All I’m doing is extending the length game that’s already there; I’m finding space bad guys and shooting them.  I’m not doing it for the journey, I’m doing it for the slight competitive edge that it gives me in the main game.  This is the best artists and writers could come up with, while scientists pump out a constant stream of the bizarre and awe-inspiring visual landscapes that exist out there beyond the stars?  Don’t these game developers check out Digg every once in a while?  And what’s worse is the realization that I doubt I could do any better.  Hell, “desert moon” is the best I could come up with for the setting of my own comic book.  Maybe from now on, I’ll a keep a closer eye on the Sci than the Fi.  Fact truly is stranger than fiction, so why can’t we get more of it?

I want my strizange.  I want to see something that would be a reward in and of itself.  I want my diamond oceans.