This post has not been edited by the GamesBeat staff. Opinions by GamesBeat community writers do not necessarily reflect those of the staff.
If I’ve learned anything about the Bitmob community, it’s that you’re a bunch of masochists. Hard-working, passionate, eager-to-learn masochists.
A few weeks ago, I asked if anyone wanted an editor to publicly critique one of their articles, and a lot of you volunteered. I had a hard time picking just one, so below, you’ll find my edits and notes for three different intros from three different authors, just to spread the wealth. I mean, pain — I don’t hold anything back!
I don’t consider myself a great writer or editor by any means. But I have picked up a few things over my 14 years in gaming journalism working here at Bitmob and at EGM/1UP so…whatever that’s worth. Also, this is an open dialog. Feel free to agree, disagree, or offer other suggestions in the comments. Writing is not a right-or-wrong thing (unless we’re talking grammatical errors). It’d be great to see a variety of opinions on the bits below.
(Please note: I’m not necessarily copy-editing these stories thoroughly. I just want to touch upon some of the big-picture issues as well as common mistakes. Also, special thanks to our managing editor Jason Wilson for helping me with a few items in this article.)
Article: Taking Control
Author: Spencer Gregory
Original intro:
What do you normally associate with the Real-Time Strategy genre [1] of games? [2] Probably military units, economic resources, [3] macro and micromanagement. What about story-telling and narrative devices? Not likely, but that’s understandable. The genre is well known for intense gameplay fueled by quick decision-making, but the story element in RTS games can easily lose its importance. Often, the plotline is nothing more than a clichéd skeleton used for stringing together the meaty playable missions. Besides, large-scale carnage leads to the most excitement, so why spend time negotiating with the enemy? Plot development seemingly betrays gameplay when the more exciting option is found in battle and not in communication.
General notes:
This is one of those “history lesson” intros that I see a lot of in game writing. For some reason, a lot of writers feel they need to give their readers a lot of background information right away, right at the start. The problem? You can bore people, especially if they know all that stuff already. I’m not saying you can’t include this primer somewhere in the article, but you want to capture the reader’s attention immediately. This intro doesn’t do that.
The other problem with the “history lesson” intro: By spending this space catching the readers up on old information, you’re not telling them what your article is about. What’s the point of this post? Unfortunately, you can’t really tell from the paragraph above, and the reader may not be that interested in reading any further to find out.
On the plus side, Spencer shows strong punctuation skills. That’s a huge plus in editors’ eyes, because it’s hard to read copy when we’re crying from seeing mistakes that high school should’ve ironed out.
Specific notes:
1. Why is “Real-Time Strategy” capitalized? It’s not supposed to be. Also, because “real-time strategy” is one compound modifier that describes “genre,” it should be hyphenated like this:
real-time-strategy genre (What kind of genre? The “real-time-strategy” kind.)
Otherwise, on its own, without modifying another noun, you would write it like this:
real-time strategy (What kind of strategy? The “real-time” kind.)
Another note: Don’t use extra words when fewer can do the job. Instead of “the real-time-strategy genre of games” why not just write “real-time-strategy games”? Same thing, fewer words.
2. Avoid starting articles off with a question. It’s considered a cheap, easy, and lazy way to do an intro.
3. This list is a little off, because it’s written as if “macro” was its own item, which it’s not because it’s a prefix that needs a suspended hyphen to tie it with “micromanagement.” Also, we at Bitmob keep the serial comma (the last comma in a list). This would be better:
Probably military units, economic resources, and macro- and micromanagement.
Finally, give us an image at the very beginning. That’ll help draw readers in.
Article: Uncharted 2: Among Theives [1] – Playstation 3 Review
Author: Kevin Zhang-xing
Original intro:
Uncharted: Drake’s Fortune was the previous game in the Uncharted series. As a somewhat early title for the Playstation [2] 3, it was a short-but-sweet fantastic cover-based shooter with platforming and mind-blowing graphical awesomeness. Now comes Uncharted 2 [3], which I got my hands on because a Gamestop clerk broke the street date [4].
General notes:
More history lessons. If you really feel like you need to tell your reader what the last game was called — which is OK, especially for a wider audience — save it for later. Don’t let that be the very first thing people read.
Specific notes:
1. “Thieves” is spelled wrong — in the headline, no less. Cry.
2. “PlayStation” is intercapped (a capital letter in the middle of the word — in this case, the “S”). Technically, “GameStop” should be as well, but the retailer isn’t even consistent about that on its own website, so won’t ding you for that.
Intercapping is tricky, though. Except for specific instances (like “PlayStation”), we tend to avoid it, because it’s hard to enforce or to get everyone to do consistently. Thus, you’ll usually see us writing “Bioware” or “Bioshock” (vs. “BioWare” or “BioShock”) to make it easier.
A press outlet would usually have a set style guide for this sort of stuff, but we can’t imagine our entire community following one closely, and we don’t have the resources for a full-time copy editor/chief anyways, so never mind all that. Just roll with us on this, OK?
3. “Now comes Uncharted 2”: Try reading that out loud to see how awkward that sounds. In fact, you should always read everything you write out loud, because the ears can catch what the eyes might miss, especially awkward phrasing, repeated words, etc.
4. Be careful when using industry or hardcore lingo. What does “street date” mean to most people? If you’re sure your audience is comfortable with it, then OK, but I always advise writers to make their text more accessible, because you always want to make it so more people can read your goods without feeling like they’re on the outside of your special club.
Plus, is the fact that you got the game slightly early even relevant to the topic at hand? Or are you just showing off?
And that picture of the Uncharted 2 box art is way too huge and eating up way too much space on the original review.
Article: Blog Posts From Liberty City
Author: Reed Brown
Original intro:
I recently got Episodes From Liberty City from gamefly [1]. For all the ignorant jive turkeys out there, it’s a disc with the two downloadable packs from Grand Theft Auto. [2] It was released [3] in tandem with the new DLC [4], The Ballad of Gay Tony, so I played that one first. I did this mainly so I could participate with podcasts and such, but also because the concept interested me more. In the choice between club owner and biker I chose the former. I think I made the right decision because I just started Lost and Damned (around 25% completed) [5] and I feel Gay Tony was by far the better game. I believe this for three reasons. First, I feel Gay Tony had more developed and interesting characters; second, I think Gay Tony had more action packed missions [6]; and third, Gay Tony was significantly less frustrating.
General notes:
Reed does a slightly better job of diving right into what he wants to talk about, although this is still a little “history lesson-ish” due to unnecessary personal background information on where he got the game, what it is exactly, and why he’s playing it. Do readers really need to know all of that immediately from the start?
The bigger issue, though, is the use of “ignorant jive turkeys.” We’re all for conversational, casual writing here at Bitmob — stuffy is bad. But this just sounds immature and instantly puts the writing at a much lower level than Reed probably intends.
Also, where are the tags? Without them, it makes the story much harder to find, because it won’t show up in those tag searches.
Specific notes:
1. Why is “gamefly” not capitalized?
2. Only one space in between sentences. Double-spacing is sooo last century.
3. Avoid passive voice because it’s usually bland and lifeless. Almost always, you can make a sentence read better with active voice — it will have more energy behind it. Even a simple fix like “Rockstar released it in tandem…” is better than “It was released in tandem…” because then you’d have a tangible subject (Rockstar) actively doing something versus some weak action being done by something vague and nebulous.
4. DLC: See note above about using industry lingo. Your writing will be more professional if you make it more accessible without alienating your core audience. Maybe it’ll help if you imagine the editor of USA Today is scanning our Mobfeed, looking for the next big game journalist to hire. Now…does your post read like a real article that people can comprehend? Or does it read like something you slapped up on a message board somewhere?
5. A comma goes here. Otherwise, you’re making it a run-on sentence.
This is an independent clause (a complete sentence): “I think I made the right decision because I just started Lost and Damned (around 25% completed).”
So is this: “I feel Gay Tony was by far the better game.”
If you put the two together in the same sentence, you can’t separate them with just a comma or with just a conjunction (like “and”). You need both (“, and”) or a semicolon…or you can just make them two separate sentences.
6. Because “action packed” go together to modify “missions,” it needs a hyphen: “action-packed missions.”
I don’t know why any sane person would enjoy reading all of that, but I hope that helps any aspiring writers. For more tips, check out the stories under the Bitmob Writing Tips tag. Oh, here’s some good advice, too.