This post has not been edited by the GamesBeat staff. Opinions by GamesBeat community writers do not necessarily reflect those of the staff.
Editor's note: Every new entry in Max's Disgruntled Vegetable column is a delight — it's been over three months since the last one! This issue contains some fine reporting about the ongoing Health Bar™ issue and a bonus animation made by the Editor in Chief of The Disgruntled Vegetable himself! -James
WASHINGTON — In a surprisingly bipartisan decision, both the United States Senate and House of Representatives unanimously approved funding to provide the nation's Armed Forces with Health Bars in order to ensure the troops' safety. Many proponents believe this new equipment contains the essence of life — displayed in an easy-to-understand linear form. As a user becomes hurt or injured, the contents of the Bar decrease in size, signifying that the user is drawing closer to death. It is believed that this will save many lives on the battlefield because the new Health Bars will allow soldiers to withstand a tremendous amounts of damage that they previously could not.
[embed:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eHNSnfMBvT8 ]
“We have suffered many lost lives due to our enemies being able to defeat us with a single touch,” said a top Army general. “After the Geneva Convention, international law banned cheat codes from use in armed conflicts, so it is not possible to come across extra lives anymore.”
This resulted in a significant increase in game overs, and cost the Military millions of tax-payer quarters and tokens. Many of the country's top scientists in both the public and private sectors began experimenting with ways to combat this. Several companies introduced prototypes including heart containers (which did eventually become popular with lone adventurers), golden rings, and colorful dragonflies, but none of these were successful with the Armed Forces.
Golden rings: more trouble than they're worth
“Heart containers were very difficult to implement because they always came in four pieces,” explained one researcher, “and the golden rings were a complete waste of time. When a person is hit, the rings scatter everywhere, and the user must run around frantically to collect at least one for continued protection. This would be detrimental in time-sensitive missions.”
“And don't even get me started on the dragonflies,” he added. “Aside from birds swooping down to eat them, we have been unable to keep them from flying away from their users. I personally do not even understand how anyone could use them as protection in the first place.”
Dragonflies: How are these bugs supposed to defend you?
A senator from Massachusetts, one of the most active proponents of the plan, discovered the Health Bar after viewing a television commercial for it. “I knew right away that this was what were looking for all along,” the senator told reporters, “and the rest of Congress quickly agreed. These Health Bars would do well to protect the troops while also offering a fiscally responsible solution. Refilling the Bars is relatively inexpensive, and the lives saved will cut down on the number of replacements that will need to be trained.”
With the passing of the bill, the military should be able to provide troops with their own Health Bars in the next three months. However, this decision has not stopped scientists from experimenting further with new possibilities. The most promising new technology, a shield that can recharge on its itself, is still in early development but may revolutionize the field in the coming years.
Unfortunately, the Democrats' proposal to add free Health Bars to the current Healthcare bill has met with Republican opposition, and political pundits agree that this will continue to be a hot debate for many months ahead.
I was working on the animation of the Health Bar commercial for a while now, and upon finishing, it inspired me to write a Disgruntled Vegetable article based on it (plus it gave me an excuse to show it off on Bitmob). You can see a better-quality version of it on Newgrounds here, It has been quite a bit more popular than I would have ever guessed.
While we are on the subject, what are your opinions concerning health bars and other methods of keeping track of a player's energy? Which type (if any) do you prefer?