Bitmob Fictional Interview: Dan “Shoe” Hsu

It's been quite some time since I sat down with the Bitmob editors and asked the tough questions, so I figured it was high-time I got around to interviewing the other cofounder of Bitmob: Dan "Shoe" Hsu. The following is that interview.

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 I sit down with Dan at the local coffee shop, 'Donde Esta el Bano', and I look him over. I was under the impression that he was African-American, but I may be wrong. There's only one way to find out. I look down at my notes, and ask the first question.

Cosmo: When did you move from Africa?

A puzzled look crosses his face.

Hsu: …huh? I…I never lived in Africa. Do you mean the game, Afrika? That Playstation 3 Pokemon Snap wannabe?

Realizing I may have bad information, I change the subject.

Cosmo: What I meant was, do you think that Sony will incorporate Playstation Move technology with Afrika, that Pokemon Snap wanna released not too long ago for the Playstion 3? Sorry, I'm a bit nervous.

Hsu: [Laughs] Oh okay. No, I don't think so.

He bought it! I was off the hook!

Cosmo: Yeah, me neither. Nobody bought that game.

Hsu: Hmm.

Cosmo: This is kind of a thought question: If you were to visit the Uncanny Valley, would you, in fact, be the only uncanny part? Because you're, you know, real? Or would they look at you and say, "Gee, he really enters the Canny Valley when he moves his thumb that way"?

Hsu:…um? —

He moves uncomfortable in his chair, and glances over his left shoulder. It appears he's become 'wierded out' as it were. I just keep staring at his forehead.

Hsu: –this is some kind of joke, right? Like a video game Candid Camera or something. I mean, if you'd like to discuss the Uncanny Valley and what games I feel have entered that proverbial realm, I'd be more than happy to, but as of right now —

My eyes begin to glaze over and inadvertently rest upon his chest. He snaps his fingers, chuckles, and continues talking. "Wait, I thought I was doing the interview?" I think to myself.

Hsu: — so then I said, "What do I look like, a toaster?" [Uncontrollable laughter]

Cosmo: [Half-heartedly laughing] I think I peed a little.

Hsu: That's disgusting. Why would you tell me that?

Cosmo: I dunno, we were laughing so hard.

Hsu: You weren't even really laughing. It was more like a half-hearted laugh or something. It was painful to watch you. Do you even have any more questions? This is the worst interview…

I try and hold back the tears, but luckily I lost the ability to cry after watching Glitter, with Mariah Carey.

Cosmo: I was thinking about doing a comic for Bitmob. It would feature all of the editors, of course.

I stop to see if Dan has anything to add.

Hsu: I'm listening.

Good enough.

Cosmo: Basically, I just want your permission to use you as a character. You would be a shoe, of course. Like a Converse, or Nike Air or something, unless you prefer —

Hsu: Let me stop you right there and leave.

The interview is over, apparently. I watch Dan walk out of the coffee shop and run to his car. He begins calling someone on his cell phone. He appears frantic. I begin hearing sirens and take that as my cue to leave.