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Editor's note: Alex provides us with an epic tale of his video game conquest that was nearly 15 years in the making. I've had similar experiences with some of my friends as well. I always find it satisfying to go back and beat something that harrowed me for so long. If any of you have similar tales, I'd love to read them. – Jay
Video games get a lot of flack sometimes. Society usually percieves them as creating anti-social, overweight nerds who never leave their parents' basements. In contrast to popular public opinion, I've had countless positive, game-related experiences, so I thought I'd start sharing them. This first tale of me and my friend relates the story of our long-prophesied conquering of The Simpsons Arcade Game, the bane of our childhood.
Along with a handful of other licenses, Konami slapped The Simpsons into their beat-'em-up formula back in '90s. Unfortunately for us, most of these games were released in arcades in the beginning of the decade. Both of us were born in 1985, so when my friend and I finally became old enough to care about The Simpsons and video games, we had a hard time trying to find a way to play this title outside of the masochistic PC port.
Konami clearly didn't give a flying hoot about the PC port of the game and just slapped it together. How do you handle a game that is made to keep you continuously feeding quarters when it is now on a quarter-less computer? Apparently, they thought the answer was to slap three lives on there and call it good. Konami essentially doomed two innocent little kids, in a world without the Internet to provide them with cheat codes, to endlessly play the first level of a game over and over.
Jeez, Homer is getting a face-full in this picture.
Needless to say, we never beat that game, but a few weeks ago (nearly 15 years later) the answer finally came. My family dragged me to a bowling alley/restaurant in the next town over for a Mother's Day buffet. Off in the distance inside this facility, I spotted an arcade room. I acted the part of a good gamer, and I went to see what they had. Like a beacon of light, a Simpsons cabinet shone between a Big Buck Hunter and Golden Tee machine. I knew then what we had to do.
We made our plans and prepared for the day of our return. I got a 20 dollar bill out of the ATM and fed it into the quarter machine at the car wash across the street. I didn't want to risk the bowling alley not having a change machine, as I hadn't paid enough attention to notice whether they did or not. We departed toward our destiny.
The last time we tried to tackle an older arcade game — Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles — only one character worked, and even it broke after a few levels. My friend plunked three quarters into Lisa, got no response from the game, and determined she was out of the picture. I chose Homer and quickly realized he wasn't fond of walking to the right anymore. We started to worry that this trip was doomed, but Bart and Marge worked fine, so we pressed on.
For the next 45 minutes, we dropped in quarters and received strange looks from passing employees. We also turned off the lights in the arcade room; any gamer with half a brain would know that's what you do to prevent glare on the screens. It probably made us look a little curious, but it was all worth it. We finally beat the game, and we had a blast mocking the ridiculous plot surrounding it. (Why the hell would Mr. Burns need to steal a diamond?)
My friend and I don't get together as much anymore, since life is much more complicated when you're an adult. However, that night I felt like we were kids again and not 24-year-old losers in a bowling alley. The only difference was that now we could finally beat the game fair and square. Robot Suit Burns ain't got nuthin' on us!
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