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The Electronic Entertainment Exposition approaches, and we here at The Game Inquisitor had to take the opportunity to make up a bunch of random shit that we think is going to happen so that we'll get a bunch of hits! Isn't that what all video game sites do right before E3? The only difference with us is that our predictions aren't predictions at all. They are cold, hard truths. Or, at least, they will be once they happen.
Not only that, but we had the opportunity to sit down with the former legend of video games, Gex. It was a particularly eye-opening interview that involves lots of cursing, sexual innuendo, and disturbing images. The best kind of interview! Oh, and don't forget that we have a bonus comics section in this issue to accompany our advertisers advertisements! So get to reading! The exclamation marks mean I'm yelling! Or excited! Or maybe pissed off! I'm not entirely sure!
Table of Contents:
The E3versation: Game Inquisitor's E3 Not-Yet-Facts… pg. 1
Comics section and ads… pg. 2
An Evening with Gex; Snarky No More, Just Pissed… pg. 3
The E3versation: Game Inquisitor's E3 Not-yet-facts
By Travis McReynolds and Alex R. Cronk-Young
The Electronic Entertainment Expo, also known as E3 (pronounced Eth), is just around the corner. While most other gaming outlets are scrambling to get plane tickets and working to provide you in-depth coverage throughout the show, we here at The Game Inquisitor are resting on our laurels. But, frankly, we wanted the page hits that come with writing an E3 post, so I sat down in a dingy crawl space with fellow Game Inquisitor Truth Tzar, Travis "Brent Spiner" McReynolds, to discuss our predictions.
Travis: What are you most excited about from Nintendo this year?
Alex: Hmm, that's a toughy. I'm sort of curious to see what comes of Wii Music 2, what with it's giant hunk of plastic shaped like a keytar. I'm curious to see if they'll still keep their family-oriented approach to gaming, or if they'll go all out and include Cars by Gary Neuman. I mean, that song seems to be a given with the keyboards, but will parents frown on obvious date rape references like "Here in my car, I feel safest of all. I can lock all my doors, it's the only way to live"?
Travis: That's a good question. Nintendo clearly has great PR on their side, but date rape's image is less than stellar. The keytar, often seen as something of a sex-symbol in modern music, does seem a little risqué for the big N.
I'm more interested in the Wii Vitality Sensor and how, exactly, it will link up to the Obamacare satellites orbiting overhead. Clearly, big brother has already won. I'm just excited to see how the Nintendo health overlords will dispense my medication.avis: That's a good question. Nintendo clearly has great PR on their side, but date rape's image is less than stellar. The keytar, often seen as something of a sex-symbol in modern music, does seem a little risque for the big N.
Alex: My guess is that Doctor Mario is involved somehow. The Wii Vitality Sensor will be interesting to see, but I've heard rumors that they are going to show it off along with the stateside release of Captain Rainbow. Nintendo is obviously trying to court the gay market — and who can blame them, those gays have a lot of money from all that prostitution — but they could easily alienate their family-friendly, primarily republican based audience. I mean, I don't wanna see some gay sticking that sensor on things. That's icky.
Travis: I'm a homeless man talking to another homeless man under a staircase that leads to a closed Walgreens, so far be it from me to criticize, but yeah, that's icky.
A Wii Vitality sensor on anyone who isn't a red-blooded heterosexual makes me want to vomit. I can't, mostly because I already did only a moment ago, but it makes me want to.
Alex: Jeez, well I'm going to guess that they'll be taking as many things out of their systems as possible, and then raising the price. I mean, now that online connectivity from the PSPGo was stripped out and they made it so that you have to go to your local Meijer store — a grocery store that is only located in 5 states within the midwest — I think the precedent is set. My guess is that they will be phasing out the PS3 Slim and releasing a PS3 Super Fat, while at the same time gutting everything that you don't need to play the Blu-Ray copy of Spiderman that they ship it with.
As far as their handheld goes, I'm thinking it's about time they completely fracture their user-base again. A PSPGo2 and PSP2 will most definitely be announced, and their media definitely won't be able to be shared. You think they'll add a second analog nub?
Travis: I heard a rumor from a guy in the Texaco parking lot (he was wearing a neck-tie, so you know he's legit) that there will be a different SKU for every PSP2 sold. Some will have 2 nubs, others 3, some none at all. You might get a PSP2 that's backwards compatible, you might get one that only plays reruns of Night Court. It's the luck of the draw that makes the experience fun!
Also, the PSP2 will only be able to connect to the Internet via 3G wireless on the Sprint network. Cause fuck you, that's why.
I think you're right on with the PS3 Super Fat. I've heard this SKU will forego the Blu-ray player in favor of the clearly superior, and now much cheaper, HD DVD format. Those sly little shits at Sony bought up all the HD DVD players on close out, but who's laughing now? Not a rhetorical question- who is that I hear laughing?
Alex: I think that's just Maniacal Mac. Him and Shifty Pete have been getting into it lately, and he always waits until Pete passes out and then pees on him while laughing maniacally, hence the name. But as far as who is laughing in the game industry, its gotta be Microsoft, right? I mean, it's almost a given at this point that they will be "pulling a Saturn" and surprise releasing the Xbox 8Billion at their press conference. I mean, at this point they're stupid to think anyone still believes their little Natal prank.
You think they're laughing to the bank, or to the back of the McDonalds where Shifty Pete and I get our lunch every day?
Travis: You never invited me to the McDonalds. It's no big deal, you son of a bitch, just saying is all.
Microsoft is definitely fucking with us on this Natal thing. This may just be the paranoia talking (that's crazy, right?), but a camera on a game console? We don't even have colonies on the moon yet. Baby steps.
Xbox 8Billion is a sure thing. It's gonna be in HD, it's gonna be in 3D, and it's gonna have a sequel to A Kingdom for Keflings. No way it can be stopped.
Alex: Wait, you haven't heard of Microsoft's moon colony? What the hell am I paying you so many rock-hard McDonalds french fries for? What else did you think Microsoft spent all that money, that they saved by shipping a broken-as-hell piece of shit console, on?
Travis: Oral sex. You pay me french-fries for oral sex. Funny thing, that's also my answer to your third question- I was damn sure they spent their shitty console savings on blowies. As for the moon colony, I'm 90% sure you're thinking of Space Mountain.
Alex: Nah, that's what Gates trained the chimp for, and Space Mountain is just an urban legend, idiot. Anyway, I think most of this E3 is already in the bag. I mean, all but one of the Imagine games have already leaked, and after that there aren't too many jaw-dropping surprises anyone can throw at us.
Travis: Every year, during E3, I can't help but think the entire video game industry is wasting their time. Think about it- no one is ever going to top Crash Bandicoot Nitro Kart 3D. Why even try?
Alex: I'm waiting for the year that Crash Bandicoot Nitro Kart 3D 2 is announced. Now that is an E3 I'll report on!
Travis: This has been a great talk, Alex. Wanna go masturbate in the bathroom at the public library?
Alex: Sorry, but I told Shifty Pete I'd meet him in the McDonalds dumpster.
Did you know that SquareEnix officially announced a remake of Final Fantasy 7? It's true! Find out more at The Game Inquisitor.
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Rockstar Games recently hired a legal team and discovered that they could use actual geographic locations in their game titles without legal repercussion. Who knew? Find out more at The Game Inquisitor.
An Evening with Gex; Snarky no More, Just Pissed
By Alex R. Cronk-Young
I've managed to land an interview or two in the last year. Still, when I logged into my email inbox — prepared to send out a few new requests for interviews — I was shocked to find a request already sitting in wait for me. I didn't even have to ask this time, as one of the former stars of video games himself, Gex, was asking me to interview him.
Honestly, he came off a little desperate, so I felt bad for him. I agreed to meet him at a local coffee shop, as he said he didn't have room for me at his home. When I arrived he motioned me over from a table in one of the dark back corners. He had sunglasses despite being inside, and a coat with the collar popped up.
"Hey, uh… trying to stay low because of the… fame?" I asked.
"Not exactly." He responded, seemingly annoyed.
Just then the waitress walked up to ask if we wanted anything. She stopped briefly and stayed wonderingly at Gex. "Um, are you, that Geic…"
She hadn't even finished her sentence and Gex had raised his hand and hung a big middle finger in her face, then used it to wave her away.
"Did she mistake you for that Geic…" I started before I was cut off.
"Don't! You better not have any questions about that fuck. I'm not answering them." He snapped.
"Did you…"
"I WAS FAMOUS BEFORE HIM! WHAT, 90s SNARK IS DEAD AND STUPID FUCKING ACCENTS ARE IN?! MAYBE IF I HAD SOME BULLSHIT ACCENT LIKE THAT GEICO COCKSUCKER I COULD SELL WHATEVER PIECE OF SHIT I WANTED TO!" Boomed Gex. Most of the coffee shop had stopped talking and we're staring at us from the corners of their eyes. Gex slunk down in his chair a bit and did the middle finger wave off he'd given the waitress to the entire establishment.
"Right, well then." I shuffled my notes a bit, flipping past the large section of Geico Gecko questions I had written. "You worked with Marliece Andrada, a Playboy Playmate and Baywatch cast member, and pretty famously shot an advertising photo in which you parodied the Janet Jackson picture with a man reaching from behind and covering her exposed breasts. Was there any controversy about the sexual nature of that ad?"
"Kid, that was the age of risqué video game advertising. I'm just surprised there weren't many rumors about us being involved." He responded suavely, crossing his legs.
"Uh, were you?" I inquired.
"Psssh, she wishes. I could have any woman I wanted then, and I certainly took advantage of it."
"But, uh… how did that… work? I mean, wouldn't that violate laws?" I danced around asking about bestiality outright. After his last explosion, I wasn't sure I wanted to ask the "tough questions".
"How many other talking, anthropamorphic geckos the size of an adult male do you see walking around? What? You think I should be fucking a female gecko the size of my hand? I'm pretty sure there are worse laws out there for ripping something in half. Leave the geckos for that Geico fuck, they don't know shit about pleasing their man."
"Uh, right." I responded, slightly disturbed by the images he had managed to place in my mind. "So, you showed off a lot of skills in your games given the nature of the TV channel levels. You went from being a gunslinger in a western, to a martial arts master in the span of a few minutes. Were those all genuine skills?"
"Psssssh, fuck no."
"So, what do you plan on doing now, considering your only marketable skill is being a snarky mascot when those are out of vogue now."
"Be a snarky mascot. You can't tell me that Sony isn't desperate enough to dip into the well of old marketing ideas. I mean, who do they have to help them sell products? Kratos? Yeah, tell me how that works out."
"Um, well, I think a lot of people think that Kevin Butler has been doing a pretty good job."
Gex doesn't say anything at this point, he just stares at me coldly. It feels as though at least five minutes pass, but it may have only been 30 or so seconds. When he finally speaks, he does so as he's getting up from his chair. "You know what, kid? I'm really busy right now. Lots of things to do — meetings, and rehearsals, and… other… jobs." And in a few seconds he's out the door.
I'm not entirely sure what Gex has planned for the future, but I know one thing for sure; It's going to be extremely snarky. Or not. Actually, chances are it'll just be sitting in his easy chair at four in the afternoon, drunk and yelling at Wheel of Fortune. Yeah, that's probably the best bet.
SquareEnix found a giant box of leftover 3D glasses in their basement so they're rebooting the Rad Racer series. Read more at The Game Inquisitor.
