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Hi there everyone. I just wanted to write a quick blog post to let you know what I'm all about, as well as talk a little about something I love, video games.
When I say I love video games, don't mistake that for me saying I love all of them. Anything that's not released on my Xbox 360 meres well have been ejaculated from the testicles of Satan himself as far as I'm concerned. Anyone who owns the wrong console is an enemy, and any games that think they're better than my console are no better.
The Xbox invented Halo right. We also invented Dead Rising, and as such we deserve to be the only ones allowed to play these games. It's a shame that Bungie and Capcom don't understand that though, their betrayal of our system won't soon be forgotten.
I've spent my hard earned money on a console, and then I spent my own money, modifying my own console to do what I wanted it to do. I own the hardware, so I should be able to do whatever I want with it. I also own lots of games, but if a publisher decides to make me pay for something that I deserve to get on the disk, then I'm not going to pay them. You wouldn't give your money to a shopkeeper that spat in your face, so how is this any different? I'll still play it mind.
In fact, the way I see it is that I'm going to buy at the most a game a month, anything more than that I just can't afford. With that in mind, what does it matter if I pirate a few extra games? I'm not going to be spending money on them anyway, and I'm not depriving anyone else of a copy, so what's the harm.
What really riles me up though is that some developers seem to have no respect for the games they're working on. Mario is a two-dimensional hero, Link should remain unvoiced, and battles in Final Fantasy should remain completely separate from everything else. That's what those games are about, so if you change them you'll break the game. It's just logical.
The most annoying thing though, is when I download a game, only to find that it's exactly the same as the previous entry in the series. Gears of War 2 was exactly the same as Gears of War 1, and yet Epic expects another fifty of my hard earned dollars for me to enjoy their product. I'm one of the only true individual gamers because I can see through these tricks and refuse to pay money to these fraudsters. The ending wasn't even that good.
I felt the same thing about Grand Theft Auto 4. The whole thing was just such a scam. I mean, last generation Rockstar managed to fit an entire state into a game, and yet with GTA4 they obviously just made one city, and then spent the rest of the day getting high. It's just laziness really.
This whole negative gaming stereotype just really gets to me sometimes. I just want everyone to start playing games so they can see what they're missing out on, and realise we're not all social recluses, obsessed with graphic violence.
I caught my sister on Farmville the other day. What a shallow experience! She was just clicking on stuff to harvest it, there wasn't graphically rendered violence or a one hundred page manual for the game or anything. If there was a way of pirating that game, I'd have a crack on my PC so fast…
I don't even know why I'm posting this here, where only writers are likely to read it. I've got nothing against writing, but video games writers just have a habit of getting everything so wrong all the time. Take Killzone 2 for example. That game was the pinnacle of art, better than the Odyssey, better than Dr. Faustus, better even than Halo, and yet those biased Brits at EDGE decided to insult it with a mere 7 out of 10. I wrote a huge letter to them complaining of course, and I pointed out how every other review out there showed that they were clearly wrong, but I just really felt like that bad review negatively impacted my enjoyment of that game.
Anyway that's all there is to know about me generally. Next week I'll write something about how all those Artsy-Fartsy kids are sissies that shouldn't be allowed to call themselves gamers.
If you agree with me and just wanne roll in Modern Warfare or something, just send an email to sarcasm@thisisajoke.com