The Bitmob E3 2010 Non-Award Awards

We don't do things traditional-like here at Bitmob — you'll only find unique editorial here (uh…forget about this for a moment). So that's why we're continuing the tradition of our Non-Award Awards — this time, for E3 2010.

What are the Bitmob Non-Award Awards? They're impossible to describe since…well, they don't necessarily make any sense or have any rhyme or reason to them. If the staff feels something…anything…needs recognition from our giant annual trade show, good or bad, we'll take care of it right here. (You guys in the community get in on the action on the last page, too, by the way.)

OK, enough talk about nothing. Let's get on with it!

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Most Anal Game in the World: Gran Turismo 5
The Madrid and Rome city courses took two years to complete. Each. In Photo Mode you can see individual blades of grass flying in the air when a car puts a wheel off the track. Some of the cockpit interiors are so detailed that you can spot individual wires hooked up to the safety equipment. The horn sound is accurate for each car. Those guys at developer Polyphony Digital need to relax. -Demian

Best Thing about Motion Control for Hardcore Gamers: Head tracking
Both Gran Turismo 5 and Forza showed off head tracking in-game, which should be pretty amazing for us normal people who don't have triple-monitor set ups. And hey, maybe the flight-sim genre will make a glorious comeback…. -Demian

Biggest Tease: Codename: Kingdoms announcement trailer
OK wait, so, I see some guys, looks kind of like live action, they've got gladiator-type gear, and it's a 360 exclusive from Crytek. Need more information. What the hell is this? God of War clone? Real-time strategy game? Role-playing game? Gladiator-themed sports-minigame compilation for Kinect? -Demian

M.I.A. Award: Nintendo's Heartbeat Sensor
Where the hell was this thing, anyway? And then Ubisoft went and shocked the world by announcing the me-too Innergy Sensor! The "is my heart still beating and if so how fast" market is heating up! -Demian

This Can't Be Happening Award: Battle Tag
Laser Tag is back? Nope…I just checked, and it's definitely not. Someone should tell Ubisoft, though, because it trucked out Battle Tag for a bizarre demo during their E3 press conference. And Battle Tag is Laser Tag, except you feed the results into your computer and then it tells your Facebook friends that you still play Laser Tag. -Demian

Sorry, Can't Suspend My Disbelief: Need for Speed: Hot Pursuit
I tried, I really did. But when I see a Bugatti Veyron (one of 200 made, mind you) in police livery deliberately smashing into a Lamborghini Murcielago until one or the other is completely destroyed, my brain hurts. -Demian

That's Nice, but Bullshit: Star Wars: The Old Republic "Hope" trailer
Wow, did you see that trailer? Pretty cool, right (except maybe for the part where the guy blows up the thermal detonator he's holding, and it doesn't hurt a bit)? But The Old Republic looks and plays nothing, I mean NOTHING, like that. That trailer could just as easily have been for Tetris. -Demian

No Thanks: DJ Hero 2's karaoke feature, Rapstar (tie)
DJ Hero gave nerds a slight semblance of "cool" by letting them play hip-hop-infused tunes on a turntable controller, but it's probably not a good idea to let that same demographic take their turns on the mic. Rock Band, SingStar, Guitar Hero, etc. — that's one thing. But I'm not sure I want to hear my dorky white friends pretend to be Snoop Dogg in DJ Hero 2 or Rapstar. Two turntables and a…let's just leave it at that, shall we? -Shoe

Most Unnecessary Trend: Franchise "reboots" with the same name
I suspect the game industry got a hold of some Hollywood marketing study that shows modern-day reboots of classic franchises (that keep the original name) make rich execs more rich. Or maybe the publishers simply want to fuck with all the game databases around the Internet — they're making a mess of our tags! Either way, we hope this is just a temporary fad. (See: Medal of Honor, True Crime, Mortal Kombat, GoldenEye 007, Silent Hill, Twisted Metal, Need for Speed: Hot Pursuit, etc.) -Shoe

Most Premature Excitement: Star Wars for Kinect, GoldenEye 007 (tie)
The crowd got really excited when they saw a Star Wars game for Kinect, but…did anyone bother to think about how that game will play? It looks more mindless and repetitive than most pre-The Force Unleashed games from that galaxy far, far away. More mindless and repetitive than a light-gun shooter like Lethal Enforcers, in fact. And this game should probably be on the PS Move or Wii anyways — holding a controller for your lightsaber handle makes a lot more sense.

GoldenEye 007 elicited a similar reaction when it debuted at the Nintendo press conference. I will admit, from what I've played, it's an excellent shooter…for the Wii. But c'mon guys — unless that is the only system that you own, that's absolutely the wrong response for such an announcement. I'd love to see the reactions when you ask your Halo: Reach- and Call of Duty-playing friends to come over for some not-so-hot four-player splitscreen action…or for their friend codes. -Shoe­

GoldenEye 007 for the Wii pictured here, in case you were confusing it with the Star Wars game for Kinect. Which is not pictured here.

Couldn't Stop Staring at the Screen: Limbo
Artsy-looking games aren't new — see Braid and The Misadventures of P.B. Winterbottom for recent examples. But Limbo's ethereal, smoky black-and-white dreamscapes commanded small crowds of wide-eyed onlookers. The puzzle-based platforming was a bit slow-paced, but when the visuals look like this, you can't help but be drawn in. Other honorable mentions for "graphical wow": Star Wars: The Force Unleashed 2, Rage, Crysis 2, Need for Speed: Hot Pursuit, and just about everything on the 3DS. -Shoe

Most Ironic Quote
From Electronic Arts CEO John Riccitiello, regarding his company's lineup: "We're more Sundance than the Academy Awards." OK, we know you've been trying, EA, but you really should put out a few more original properties like you did with Mirror's Edge and Dead Space before you put yourself out there like that. Need for Speed, Medal of Honor, Tiger Woods, etc. do not exactly make me think "Sundance"…. -Shoe

Most Unnecessary Cynicism: The Legend of Zelda: Skyward Sword
During Nintendo's press conference, I Tweeted that it wasn't a good sign that famed game designer Shigeru Miyamoto was having trouble with The Legend of Zelda: Skyward Sword's new control scheme (your Wiimote is your sword while your Nunchuk is your shield). If he's having a hard time fighting the most basic of enemies, that doesn't bode well for "normal" gamers. Later, he encounters even more difficulties while aiming and blames everything on technical issues due to possible interference with the crowd's wireless devices. Ha…nice try, Miyamoto.

Well, turns out, I was just too cynical, as always. On my first hands-on playthrough of the Zelda demo, I performed way better and way more accurately than what I saw Miyamoto do on-stage. I wasn't perfect — I would've done better with traditional controls — but I could tell that the game does play better under real-world conditions. Sorry for doubting you, Mr. Nintendo Man. -Shoe

Meanest, Most Hardcore Demos: Donkey Kong Country Returns, Super Meat Boy (tie)
When Omri and I tried out co-op Donkey Kong Country Returns, we asked what level we should try out. Nintendo PR Manager Kit Ellis, with a slightly evil smile, told me to select the mine cart stage. I knew what he was doing — he just got done telling me five minutes prior that it was a particularly sadistic level that he himself had a lot of trouble with. He just wanted to see us suffer as well — and he got what he wanted.

Tommy Refenes, co-CEO of Team Meat, stopped me on the show floor to introduce himself and say hello, so I decided to check out a demo of Super Meat Boy. Assuming I was some elite gamer, Refenes loaded up an advanced stage that took laser-precision platforming — wall-jumping between buzz saws, sliding between buzz saws…basically, avoiding a lot of meat-flesh-ripping buzz saws with perfect timing. After some initial success, I reached an area where I died too many times in a row, so I looked around to see if anyone was watching (Refenes was busy talking to someone else), quietly put the controller down, and then walked away with my ego shriveled up like an overcooked hamburger.

If you're afraid old-school hardcore gaming is dead, don't pass these two up. -Shoe

Device I Most Wanted to Surreptitiously Put in My Pocket: Nintendo 3DS
Once I held a Nintendo 3DS in my hands, I didn't want to let go. The trailers, tech demos, and augmented reality games I saw only scratched the surface of this little device's potential. Think motion control revolutionized the industry? Just wait until developers fully wrap their heads around the design possibilities of three dimensions. -Brett

Biggest Surprise of E3: Disney gets serious
A Pirates of the Caribbean game that plays like Fable 2? A Tron movie tie-in that feels like Prince of Persia? An audacious epic starring Mickey Mouse from Warren Spector, one of the industry's most acclaimed designers? Disney had one of the strongest showings of any developer at E3 — not a sentence I ever thought I'd write. -Brett

Worst Catering to the Lowest Common Denominator: Nintendo's 100 ladies
I expect booth babes at E3, but not from family-friendly Nintendo. And yet, at the end of Nintendo's press conference, about a hundred 3DSes appeared onstage — physically chained to about a hundred very attractive women. The women then proceeded to set up near the back of the auditorium so we predominantly male journalists could ogle the 3D screen while the women shifted their weight uncomfortably from one foot to the other and forced a smile. I left the theater feeling dirty. -Brett

Best Last-Minute Surprise: Journey
On the last hour of the last day of E3, Sony unveiled Journey, the latest game from Flower creators Thatgamecompany. Creative Director Jenova Chen said that he wanted people playing Journey to feel small and in awe of the world. In an era of bulky space marines and characters with biceps the size of my torso, the idea of being genuinely humbled by a video game sounds absolutely refreshing. -Brett

Largest Group of Posers: The "Media"
I saw far too many people with media badges who didn't take out notebooks, computers, or recording devices at press conferences and demos. If they're not "working," why are they there in the first place? -Jason

Best Unintentional Use of a Fight Club Reference: EA's Gun Club
I want you to shoot me as hard as you can…then you get treats. -James

Biggest Sub-trend: The third-person shooter invasion
Everything coming out seems to be an over the shoulder, third-person shooter. Spec Ops: The Line, Kane & Lynch 2: Dog Days, Mindjack, Mafia 2, Red Faction: Armageddon — even Deus Ex: Human Revolution, for the most part a first-person-perspective game, gets in on the action. -Rob

Biggest Cock Tease: XCOM
Why run a gameplay demo that doesn’t reveal any new information beyond what we’ve already seen in the official E3 trailer? -Rob

Most Infuriating Sound: Bill Gates' cackling
Congratulations, Microsoft. Not only did you manage to bewilder everyone with that bizarre Cirque du Soleil performance, you also caused the vexation of nearly every journalist at E3 by changing Natal's name to Kinect. Seriously, I lost count of how many times I heard myself and others saying “Natal — dammit, Kinect — looks kind of cool.” -Omri

Best Cause of a Heart Attack: Nintendo's hyperactive booth babe
Perplexing award, isn't it? Bear with me on this one. Nintendo's bombastic reveal of the sparkly 3DS was accompanied by a gaggle of semi-enthusiastic booth babes — except for one.

When sampling the 3DS' amazing “augmented reality” feature (where the handheld's cameras affix real-life objects into a virtual setting), I was unexpectedly assaulted by the seemingly docile-looking female attendant (who had a Russian accent), who actually leapt out of her chair and loudly yelled at me to “hit the target!” or “dodge the dragon!” If this is Nintendo's new method of reaching out to meek gaming nerds, then they're either brilliant or sadistic beyond belief. -Omri

The Faux Celebrity Award: Portal 2 t-shirt
At Valve's press-only showing of Portal 2, attendees were given a plain black t-shirt displaying the game's name and iconic logo of a figure slipping through a portal. Unbeknownst to Valve (or maybe they did know, those tricky bastards), wearing the shirt was practically a hidden invitation to step on the red carpet.

I couldn't turn a corner without some show attendee praising me for donning such stylish attire, and I was exhaustingly wheedled on where one could procure a shirt like mine. Coupled with my “media” badge on a lanyard, this resulted in a lot of awkward staring at my chest. Now I know how women feel. -Omri

Best Instance of Engrish: Ninety-Nine Nights 2 demo
The director for Ninety-Nine Nights 2 said during his presentation at Konami's press conference that if you tried to play his game by button mashing, "You will be sucked." Finally, a game feature we all really want. -Mike

Biggest Jerk: Guy playing Marvel vs. Capcom 3: Fate of Two Worlds
This one goes out to the guy who played me in MVC3. After I beat him during our demo together, the next person in line went up to him, expecting him to make way. Loser leaves is standard arcade protocol, but this jerk refused to get off the machine, whining that he had just got there. I had to be the bigger man and step aside. MVC3 guy: I hate you. -Mike

Best Slam Jams: NBA Jam
This one goes to me, for the mad dunks and jams I was pulling off in NBA Jam. I was playing as LeBron James — the greatest basketball player in the world — who plays for my favorite team, the Cleveland Cavaliers. Actually, I lost the game in fourth quarter. Choking is a great Cleveland sports tradition, so I'll just chalk that loss up to realism. -Mike

Biggest Insult (or Compliment?) to Warren Spector
During a roundtable event with Epic Mickey director Warren Spector, someone complained to him that the demo felt like a Scooby-Doo game. Spector had little to say in response — it got a little awkward for a second there after that. For the record, I have never played a Scooby-Doo game. Maybe they're awesome, and this was actually a huge compliment. -Mike

Biggest Headache Inducer but for an Unexpected Reason: 3D Tron: Evolution Demo
During my Tron: Evolution demo, the batteries in my 3D glasses were apparently running low on juice. The developers said they only did "one pass of 3D," so I assumed that that was the reason why nothing looked right, and I was bit shy to ask about it. I saw most of the game's dark-and-neon-bordered graphics in double vision and was too distracted with thinking my brain was unable to process 3D images to focus on the demo. -Alejandro

Unlikely Edutainment Game: Mortal Kombat
When kombatants deliver devastating blows to each other in the new Mortal Kombat, the game shows an x-ray type view of the area being damaged, complete with breaking bones and damaged organs. I could totally picture this game making its way into classrooms to teach kids about anatomy. -Alejandro

Game Display That Could Have Most Used Headphones: Scott Pilgrim vs. the World: The Game
Half of the reason I wanted to play Scott Pilgrim was to hear new material from the chiptune rock band Anamanaguchi, who is doing the soundtrack. It became painfully obvious how puny the speakers on HDTVs are as I couldn't hear anything over the rest of the noises at Sony's crowded display. Well, I put my ears up to the TV, and I think I heard some of their new music, but it was kind of hard to play the game that close up. -Alejandro

The 21st Century Viewmaster: The Nintendo 3DS
One of the perhaps overlooked features of the Nintendo 3DS is the built-in camera that lets users take 3D pictures. Essentially, the feature serves as a high-tech Viewmaster. Nintendo adapts technology from the 1950s to the digital world, and the world goes crazy for it. I've always wanted to make my own Viewmaster slides, and the 3DS brings me one step closer. -Alejandro

Most Overly Sexualized Character: Mileena (Mortal Kombat)
I was fired up to see the new Mortal Kombat until I saw Mileena's fighting stance and outfit — and then I just felt dirty. Her super fit legs and rear are accentuated by her constantly gyrating crotch…it almost looks as though she's having sex with an invisible person…while standing up. If the game sported more realistic physics, I'd expect her boob to pop out of her barely there bikini. And for the sexual cherry on top, one of Mileena's signature moves consist of wrapping her legs around her opponent's torso and giving them an intense hickey. -Alejandro

And now it's your turn! Last week, we asked you to contribute to our E3 2010 Non-Award Awards, and here are the top submissions ("top" mainly meaning "made sense" — some of your write-ups were…weird):

Creepiest Moment of E3: Kinect demo
The little girl in the Kinect demo [during Microsoft's press conference] deserves an award for making me feel super creepy while she played with the video game tiger [in Kinectimals]. I mean really? She had to be that into it? No one is that into it. -Nick Giambalvo

Game You Are Least Likely to Admit Being Interested in: Kinectimals
There might not have been a ton worth getting excited about when Microsoft finally showed their Kinect offerings. That is why no one should feel too bad for not seeing the potential greatness of Kinectimals. The game seems like a commercialized version of [last E3's] Milo demo, even if in reality it is half Milo and half the Dreamcast title Seaman — and who doesn't like Seaman? -Frank Anderson

Best Definition of Gaming
By actor/spokesperson Kevin Butler at Sony's press conference: "Gaming is having a ridiculously huge TV in a tiny one-room apartment. Staying up 'til 3 a.m. to earn a trophy that isn't real — but IS. And it's girls who know that a way to a man's heart is through a melee attack." -Larry Hinh

Dusting Off My Wii to Play: Donkey Kong Country Returns
Even though Rare is not making Donkey Kong Country Returns for the Wii, it is the only game announced during this year's E3 that made me excited as a gamer. It brings back memories of years past when I entered a GamePro contest and won DKC3 for free. With overhauled graphics and the side-scrolling fun of olden days, DKCR only makes me hope Retro Studios turns this into a continuing series when this one becomes a hit. -Toby Davis

The Most Important Thing Sony Didn't Announce: PSP2
How could Sony not have a PSP2 up its sleeves? A new system would fix the piracy issues and combat some of the interest in the 3DS. It just seemed like it would be a really good move (and there were a ton of rumors). -Tyrell Stewart

Best Reason to Make Your Own Game: Lack of innovation
My brother showed me a picture the other day. The picture was titled “the state of the industry.” It was actually a series of three screenshots. Three screenshots. Three games. All modern combat first-person shooters. I cannot for the life of me tell you which three games were represented. The industry is in dire need of original [intellectual properties]. Preferably something that doesn’t involve M16s or zombies. Epic Mickey helps the cause, but c'mon! It's unfair to always expect designer Warren Spector to make love to my mind grapes. -Johnny Mo