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Gamespot gave Transformers: War for Cybertron a 6.5 out of 10. They’re wrong. I’m here to tell you what this game really scored: imagine a school bus on fire with the infinity symbol spray painted on the side. Then take that school bus, times it by twelve and send all those school buses down the I-5 in Los Angeles blasting Beastie Boys from their stereos. Now, you’re halfway to understanding how awesome this game really is.
 
This is an extreme game review. If you experience any seizure like symptoms during this review, please consult your computer monitor’s user manual.
 
HIGH DEF GRAPHICS BROKE MY CAMERA
I tried to do a video review but filming Transformers on my giant ass TV blew up my camera. The graphics were too awesome. I guess the same thing happened to Gamespot because they didn't have a video review either. Word up, now I gotta do it this way.
 
This game looks awesome. This game looks better than awesome. This game looks better than the awesome stuff I wrote before this. This game looks better than every fantasy you had about that cute but unobtainable brunette in your Spanish class. Remember? That smart girl who wasn’t quite popular but who you thought was so smokin’ you kept doodling her name. Yeah, man.
 
That was my sister you son of a bitch.
 
MY THUMBS HURT BUT I AIN’T STOPPIN’
War For Cybertron controls better than Road Runner after a fifth of vodka. It’s none of that slow walking Halo crap. You run fast again like you used to in real shooters. The Transformers are zippy, the controls make sense and changing in and out of vehicles on the fly is as easy as pushing in the left stick. You know why? Because you push in the left stick.
 
Also, before I move on, fuck Master Chief and his skinny legs. If I want my superheroes to run like that, I’ll motion cap my grandma on a broken stair master.
 
DEM BIG WORDS AND JIBBER JABBER
So all this mad-crazy story stuff goes down before the Transformers leave Cybertron. You get to play as Optimus Prime before he’s Prime, so he’s just like, Optimus. And there’s Bumblebee. And there’s this dope scene where you meet Starscream for the first time. And the whole time all this is happening you’re thinking, "Jesus H. Christ! This is how cool those Transformers movies could’ve been before Michael “Teabag” Bay cast Shea LeQueef." Agreed, bro. Extreme.
 
SO EXTREME
 
I CAN’T HEAR YOU CUZ MY SPEAKERS ARE SO LEET
The sound in this game is off the chart. Your buddy will be yelling in your earpiece the whole time as you rip through co-op, and when that fool finally shuts up you’ll be like, god damn this game sounds crazy fly. Metal crunches metal. Optimus tells you to roll out. You’re screaming like a giddy little girl. Your eardrums are crying because they can’t take this much awesome. So you tell them to man up, pound back a Red Bull and crunch the can in your fist. EXTREME!
 
I’M SUMMIN’ UP THIS BIZNESS
When you judge this game, don’t. If you do, I’ll tiger punch you through this website. I’ll grab you by the Energon Ray, tie you to Jetfire’s back then launch your judgmental ass into space. I give this game an actual score (not made up on some unused and complicated rating system) of eleven billion out of three. This game is to Transformers what Arkham Asylum was to Batman. Yeah, I went there.
 
If you don’t love this game as much as I do it’s because you’re one of those people who didn’t finish Uncharted 2 and you just started playing Mass Effect 2 telling your friends it’s “pretty good”. YOU'RE SO NOT EXTREME.
 
You and Gamespot can hold each other until the next Hannah Montana game comes out.
 
Peace.
 

Rick Knight is a professional online copywriter, designer, and blogger tired of the outdated review score system. Follow him on Twitter @knightrick or visit his portfolio website, gamerwords.com