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WASHINGTON – Researchers came to a shocking conclusion this week after months of running controlled tests and conducting surveys. Despite numerous claims from parental activists and politicians, the scientists found that playing video games does not directly cause a person to become overweight.
“This is truly a groundbreaking discovery,” said Dr. Horace Merkle, the head of the research team behind the study. “I think it is safe to allow our children to play a reasonable amount of video games now without too much concern for any physical consequences that might have occurred as a result.”
Explaining how this study had begun, Dr. Merkle told the press, “It was actually just a coincidence. I was at a nephew's birthday party a few months ago, when I watched him and some of his friends playing an Xbox. What stuck out to me was the fact that they all seemed so healthy and fit, which went against all of the studies I had been reading about in medical journals.”
Prior to this experiment, a large number of doctors and researchers claimed that there was a hidden drug within all game controllers that slowed down the player's metabolism and caused him or her to become hopelessly addicted. Dubbing it obesitine, activists against video games had a solid piece of evidence to use against the media.
This cat's owners are now attempting to find a new reason to blame for their pet's weight problems.
“My observation really inspired me to stop my research on cancer and focus on a much more important issue,” said Dr. Merkle. “We took a group of fifty healthy teens and had them play video games two hours a day for two months.
“Actually, we were planning on paying the volunteers,” he remarked, “but oddly enough, all of the applicants were excited to do it for free. Kids these days must really appreciate science.”
After compiling the results of the experiment, the researchers found that all of the teens' weights fluctuated at normal levels for people their age, the same as with non-gamers. Doctors are now considering the idea that weight is only influenced by the food one consumes and the amount of exercise one gets. There is now a group of medical professionals who believe that obesitine was just a myth made up to use as an argument.
“Now that you mention it,” said one physician, “that does sound like a load of crap.”
Many activists are claiming that the study was flawed. “There is no way that these clowns could have run a true experiment,” a mother told reporters. “My boy is seriously overweight and he plays video games all the time. How do you argue with those cold hard facts?”
When asked what her child does all day besides gaming, the parent replied, “Oh, how should I know? I don't really pay that much attention.”
“As strange as it may seem,” continued Dr. Merkle, “I believe that a change in weight is only caused by an imbalance of energy consumed, such as during meals and snacks, and energy outputted, like while exercising. This could potentially explain why gamers who also play sports are not all fat sacks of lard.”
It is possible that these kids' health problems were caused by eating “More Hot Pockets!” rather than just from playing World of Warcraft.
Aside from the experiment on the link between gaming and obesity, the researchers also performed a study on the correlation between mature games and violence among adolescents.
“We took a random sample of eighty teens and had them play violent video games two hours a day for a week, and when the week was up, a whole 0% of them immediately robbed a convenience store, shot a prostitute, or attacked an alien invader with a chainsaw mounted on a gun.”
By now, gamers are probably accustomed to their chosen form of entertainment being used as a scapegoat for many of society's problems. All too often, the media and so-called “experts” find it easier to point the finger away from the causes of problems that would be too difficult to address. Gaming is not the primary source of obesity and violence; it is about time we admit that junk food, lack of exercise, and (most importantly) inadequate parental supervision are the factors that most deserve the blame. How can we fight against these tired stereotypes that plague gaming culture?
Read more articles from the Week of the Vegetable:
Day 1: Publisher Devises New Way to Combat Piracy http://www.bitmob.com/articles/the-disgruntled-vegetable-publisher-devises-new-way-to-combat-piracy
Day 2: Man Charged With Neglecting Virtual Pets http://www.bitmob.com/articles/the-disgruntled-vegetable-man-charged-with-neglecting-virtual-pets
