This post has not been edited by the GamesBeat staff. Opinions by GamesBeat community writers do not necessarily reflect those of the staff.
By Robert Chumblum
What’s the matter with gamers these days? I’ve been reading a bunch of crap all over the internets about how hard this game is or what horrible graphics that game has. Well you know what? You’re all a bunch of whining pansies who were born too late. I’m your elder, so you all better listen to what I have to say!
The one thing that boils my turkey more than anything is when a kid complains about difficulty. “This game’s so unfair! When’s the next checkpoint?” Shut up! Gamers these days can’t begin to comprehend how tough things were back in my time, when we had to choose between “Hard”, “Super Hard”, and “Impossible” modes. But unlike the wusses today, we could still beat them with our eyes closed while using one of our hands to fight off the Commies.
Heck, it was more of a challenge just to get a game started up in the first place. Blowing into an NES cartridge made men out of us, so it’s no wonder why there are so many gamers that act like babies out now with their high-tech Blu-rays and DLC these days.
Don’t get me started on these “rechargeable shields” and infinite lives. I could probably count on one hand how many games didn’t instantly kill you after one touch from an enemy in my time. Oh, and about those save points that you so desperately need—quit your bellyaching! Be thankful that you can even record your progress at all. Real gamers beat games without taking breaks.
A real gamer would beat all 100+ hours of Dragon Quest VII in one sitting.
Speaking of commitment, what’s up with all of the arguing about how long games should be nowadays? You youngsters are always saying, “I just don’t have the time anymore to put into beating this long game! Boo-hoo!” Well then, you don’t deserve to beat the game! If you aren’t man enough to grind through thousands of enemies or traverse across the world map without an option to warp, don’t come crying to me!
You folks are used to being so privileged that you think an extra twenty hours of mindless tasks is a bad thing. There are so many people demanding for more realism in games, but they all fail to understand that a real hero would have to train for days on end, and he would never have the option to teleport to another place just because his little feet don’t feel like walking there. Young gamers are just a bunch of griping hypocrites.
While we’re on the subject of over-privileged kids, I can’t stand all these complaints about graphics. What’s with all of these people arguing over how bad Halo looks compared to Call of Duty? In my days, we didn’t have any problems with controlling our colored blocks on the screen. Know why? It’s because we would just kill the ones that weren’t the same color as us! Even today, gamers know to shoot the guys with the red name-tags above their heads and team up with the players that have blue ones. If things are that simple, why do developers go through the trouble of producing all this con-flab new rendering technology?
The graphics in this game are completely unnecessary.
I keep reading all of these posts from kids who say that they’re so fed up with people cheating online. You know what we did back then when we suspected people of foul play? We sure as heck didn’t call them “gay” and imply something about their mothers. No, we unplugged their controllers and punched them in their ugly faces. And if we found out they were actually playing fair, we’d still kick them while they were down just so they wouldn’t get any ideas.
Now all of you spoiled brats are probably saying, “But Mr. Chumblum, we play games online! How are we supposed to physically assault a person who lives miles away?” Get a bike, you lazy bum. Lord knows you need the exercise anyway.
Well, I hope all you youngsters take this to heart. Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go eat my prunes and drive slowly on one-lane roads.
Robert Chumblum is a 38-year-old geezer who refused to leave the Disgruntled Vegetable’s office until we agreed to publish his rant about how younger games like us are “a bunch of yellow-bellied sissies and communists.” Here you go, you big jerk. Now will you please give us back the Wii remote we accidentally threw onto your yard?
Read more articles from the Week of the Vegetable:
Day 1: Publisher Devises New Way to Combat Piracy
Day 2: Man Charged With Neglecting Virtual Pets
