Bad Game Diary: Wirehead (Sega CD)

Yesterday, I asked the Bitmob community to ruin my Friday with a Sega CD game. You guys happily obliged and chose Wirehead. As you're about to see, it's terrible –I mean, this game is really, really bad. I now have intense feelings of dislike toward each and every one of you who voted for me to play this FMV nightmare.

I'll be updating this story for the rest of Friday to bring you every stinking detail on this debacle of a game.

And now, I present to you my bad game diary of Wirehead:

Part 1: Remote-controlled dad, troubled scientist, FBI
Part 2: Skateboarding, bathroom sex, waterfalls
Part 3: Rafting, beastiality, and pig riding
Part 4: Jail, jail, some more jail, and then jail

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10:30am -1:30pm
I spent three hours finding all of the cables and parts necessary to play and capture a Sega CD game. Perhaps I should have thought this idea through a little bit more before committing to it.

1:30pm
I just played 15 minutes of this idiotic game… and the sound didn't record. Oh boy, that means I get to play that part all over again and even screw up a few times on purpose so you can see how stupid the gameplay is. Fantastic!

1:50pm
OK, let's get this party started for real this time. I know this is a FMV (full-motion video) game, so I'm counting on lots of bad acting and very little action. Here's the beginning of Wirehead.

function getVideo() {
var so = new SWFObject(“http://cdn.springboard.gorillanation.com/storage/xplayer/yo033.swf”, “mplayer”, “320”, “240”, “8”, “#000000”);
so.addParam(“wmode”,”transparent”);
so.addParam(“swliveconnect”, “true”);
so.addParam(“allowscriptaccess”, “always”);
so.addParam(“allowfullscreen”, “true”);
so.addVariable(“pid”, “bitm001”);
so.addVariable(“siteId”, “435”);
so.addVariable(“videoId”, “181221”);
so.addVariable(“file”, “http://cms.springboard.gorillanation.com/xml_feeds_advanced/index/435/3/181221/”);
so.addVariable(“pageUrl”, document.location);
so.write(“flashcontent_435_bitm001_single_181221”);
}

getVideo();

1:55pm
Ohh, so here's what we know so far: My kids can control me with a remote control; an Asian-scientist-dude is in trouble; those two totally-rad dudes probably aren't really in the F.B.I. It looks like this is one of those stupid games where you have to press a direction at a predetermined time in order to "play." Oh boy, this is going to be fun. Let's see what's in store for our hero.

function getVideo() {
var so = new SWFObject(“http://cdn.springboard.gorillanation.com/storage/xplayer/yo033.swf”, “mplayer”, “320”, “240”, “8”, “#000000”);
so.addParam(“wmode”,”transparent”);
so.addParam(“swliveconnect”, “true”);
so.addParam(“allowscriptaccess”, “always”);
so.addParam(“allowfullscreen”, “true”);
so.addVariable(“pid”, “bitm001”);
so.addVariable(“siteId”, “435”);
so.addVariable(“videoId”, “181223”);
so.addVariable(“file”, “http://cms.springboard.gorillanation.com/xml_feeds_advanced/index/435/3/181223/”);
so.addVariable(“pageUrl”, document.location);
so.write(“flashcontent_435_bitm001_single_181223”);
}

getVideo();

2:00pm
Well, that was riveting. One mistake and I have to do the entire sequence again. That's so awesome! I should go to GameFAQs and cheat my way through this game, but I feel like cheating would somehow make this whole experience even less fun.Thankfully, I was able to use my supreme intellect to get out of house so that I could make my grand escape on a skateboard. I can't imagine the adventure that lies ahead… .

Go to page two for more riveting action!

4:00pm
The timestamp might make it look as though I took a two hour break, but trust me, I was working the whole time. Pretty bad when I'd rather answer email than play a game. So, where were we again? Oh, that's right, Ned was on a skateboard, trying to make his escape from the "FBI" guys. I predict a wacky chase scene. Let's find out.

 

4:05pm
Yep, that went just about how I thought it would. I actually played a portion of this section during the "didn't record travesty" earlier, which is why I got through relatively easy — I "died" a bunch on my first attempt. I was worried that the skateboarding would go on longer, so I was pretty relieved when Ned crashed into the airport shuttle to end the chapter. I wonder where we're going now!

 

4:15pm
The airport — didn't see that one coming. You might think that I edited out a few minutes of plot here, but I can assure you that's not the case. To recap: Ned's entire brilliant escape plan was to dive onto the baggage conveyer belt, stow away on a plane, and tell his wife NOT to call the police; yet I'm the one that screws up when I try to bang a mediocre-looking chick in the bathroom? That's so lame. Let's try another path, eh?

 

4:25pm
I'm actually surprised that I didn't have to start over from the beginning of the game, and I'm even more shocked that I was able to skip the cutscene. Of course, the whole game is basically a cutscene, so I'm really not gaining a whole lot.

Oh yeah, back to the story. So… I jump out of the airplane and glide to safety with an inflatable raft, but when a police officer stops me, I don't even try to get away? I just hopped out of an f'ing jet with no parachute, I think it would be within reason for me to try and take down Ranger Rick! I know, in this stupid universe the obvious choice was to plummet right over the edge of the waterfall. I can't wait to see what's in store for me next… .

Rafting fun, beastiality, and pig riding — it's all in part three!

4:30pm
I'm a moron — I turned off the Sega CD when I went to write my last update. That means I have to do everything over again. THAT IS WONDERFUL NEWS!

4:45pm
I'm now a pro at getting out of my house and skateboarding out of my neighborhood. I jumped out of the plane, went down the waterfall, grabbed onto a tree, and now I'm holding on for dear life.

4:46pm
Climbing down the tree kills me. Now I get to watch Ned jump out of the plane again. (I'm going to start trimming this video a bit so that none of you have to endure the same pain that I'm currently going through.)

4:47pm
Climbing up the tree kills me. I get to watch Ned jump out of the plane again.

4:48pm
Jumping off the raft and swimming for shore kills me. I get to watch Ned jump out of the plane again.

4:49pm
I guess I'll try to grab the tree and then press right. Hmmm, that worked, except for the "bear that wants to kill me" part. Playing dead seemed like the obvious choice here, although I'm 95-percent sure that the bear ended up raping me before it was all said and done. Sounds awesome, doesn't it? Fine, you can watch.

4:54pm
I'll bet you a thousand dollars you can't guess where Ned ends up next.

4:55pm
If you said "In a Wild West saloon," you should be in a mental institution. You'd also be correct. I know that I probably shouldn't have hopped on that hog, but I just couldn't help myself (that's what she said).

4:58pm
You have no idea how intense that fight was in real life. Two button presses… I don't know how I managed to stay calm long enough to hit them both. God damn, that was exciting!

5:00pm
No matter what how I try to get out of this stupid saloon,  I always end up being apprehended by the sheriffs.  Actually, I don't really even care at this point; this game has crushed my free will. Take me to jail!

Go to page three for jail, jail, some more jail, and then more jail!

6:00pm
I'm really starting to dislike this game. Now I'm in jail and there's a hot lady that's trying to get me out. Too bad the only way to tell whether or not I should pick left, up, or right is by trial and error. You'd think that you'd want to press left to walk to the left, but that's not how things work in the WILD WILD WEST!

6:05pm
Because I don't want you to leave a pipe bomb on my doorstep, I went ahead and edited out the awesome part where I had to watch the entire jail escape scene after each time I got caught.

6:07pm
Full disclosure: I thought that doing a diary of a bad game would be an easy and fun way to crank out a quick article. I am a stupid, stupid man. Allllllrighty then, let's bust out of this here prison.

6:12pm
Or not. You should have heard the noise I made at the end of that clip when I found out I'd have to restart the game and do everything over to get back where I was. I can't take any more of this stinky turd of a "game." I'm done. I've got a headache, I'm in a bad mood, and now I get to pack some boxes and do some laundry.

Game over, man. Game over.