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I was about to write up my PAX Prime adventures, but a bunch of babies went crying on the internet about how the latest Mass Effect 2 DLC is $10 and how Bioware is holding it hostage because it affects the Mass Effect 3 story.
Babies, I hope you’re listening because I'm about to lay the smackdown.
This is another extreme game review. If you experience any seizure like symptoms during this review, please consult your computer monitor’s user manual. Oh, and before I forget: OBVIOUS MINOR SPOILER WARNING.
SO RICK, WHAT DO I GET FOR MY 10 CLAMS?
Yo homie, if you’re smooth like me and romanced up the nerdy, blue alien chick, you get to continue that relationship. But that’s not all. You get an updated power from Mass Effect 1 called Stasis.You get a blast-tastic story divided up in two giant-ass missions with two of the best boss battles so far, and there’s a bunch of crazy stuff in between. There’s even a car chase. All of this could take you around 2 hours to finish. But if you’re dope like me and played through it twice on Hardcore and stopped at certain points to make your girlfriend watch, it’s more like 4-5 hours. HEY BABY, LIARA JUST KNOCKED DEM DUDES OUT.
AGAIN.
That’s all I can tell you before Shepard fanboys get all up in my grill for ruining the surprises.
SHEPARD IS BACK AND OWNING FOOLS
Yeah boy. My Shep came back from his vacation with Tali and was like, “Liara, I got that Shadow Broker info. For shizzle.”
Liara: “For realz, hustla?”
Shep: “For real, girl. Get in my damn car.”
A few talky things later and me and Shep are blasting fools left and right. I got my boy Garrus on my back sniping. He’s laughing at fools — just like old times. You don’t have to bring Garrus. You can bring whoever. But why would you want anyone else? Garrus is like the mother trucking Turian Batman.
HOLY SNAP DEEZ GRAPHICS BE UNREAL
Lair of the Shadow Broker is Mass Effect 2 looking its best — like your prom date who was super hot in her red dress . Remember her? She winked at you like you were gonna get some later but you didn’t. All you got was an awkard dance after she told you she was into girls and not dudes. Then two months after graduation you find out she has a boyfriend. True story. I won’t forget that, Krystal.
This is way better than that.
Here, the Bioware artists are showing off their mad skills. When you see it on your TV your eyes will bug out. You’ll be checking the game box again, wondering how this is the same company that made Dragon Age look like an Everquest troll.
OMG WHAT IS DAT FLY SONG
The music in this DLC will make a brother melt. It’s sad. It’s epic. It’s the kind of jams that get you pumped when your Warp makes a dude explode. I’m still trying to figure out how to get it all onto my iPhone. Putting my iPhone into the DVD tray didn’t work. Oh well. When I find it I’ll be head bangin’ on the way to work and crying on the way back.
LET’S WRAP UP THIS ASARI LOVEFEST
If you like Mass Effect, you must buy this DLC. It’s not some one night stand like Overlord that doesn’t mean anything to any of your characters when it’s over. You know what you’ll get for finishing Overlord in Mass Effect 3? An email. Here, I can write it for you right now:
“Hey Rickrockstar Shepard,
Thanks for saving me from the Overlord project bizness. That was messed up lol.
Sincerely,
Some Character Name That Sounds Smart”
Lair of the Shadow Broker has decisions that matter and will matter in Mass Effect 3. Aren’t meaningful decisions what Mass Effect is all about?
BUT THE PRICE, RICK, IT’S SO MUCH
You know what $10 gets you in my city of Vancouver? Nothing. Don’t even even play that. I went to a fast food burrito joint with my Pops the other day and it was $27 for the both of us. I went to see that Shitbender movie in 3D and it was $15 plus a $5 ice cream I bought to keep myself from drop kicking my buddy Jon who dragged me out to see it.
$10 is a small price to pay for awesomeness. It's even more awesome if Liara is your girl. Don’t listen to those cheap-ass babies. They think everything is too much money because they live in their grandma’s basement and work at Jake’s Slurpee Mart.
They're so NOT extreme.