This post has not been edited by the GamesBeat staff. Opinions by GamesBeat community writers do not necessarily reflect those of the staff.
Five years. Half a decade. That's how long I played World of Warcraft. From the tender age of 19 to my 24th year, I was a Mage and a Paladin. I went from guild clown to raid leader and brought together a team of nine other varied personalities to take on the Lich King. Week after week, I sacrificed my time, handled interpersonal dramas, and kept my real-life friends at arm's length.
I saw my guild disband and reform multiple times under different banners. I watched people burn out and return six months later. I even burned out myself a few times.
Eventually, I hit a moment of clarity where my perception of WoW shifted. I logged in and had nothing left to do. When my raiders couldn't make the nights I had slaved to secure, I saw my freedom. I stripped my character's clothes off, traveled to Silithus, danced next to a level 50 night elf, then logged off. Thirty seconds later, I was no longer a subscriber.
Today, WoW and I are done. Divorced. Finito. I've taken my life back.
And I know I'm not alone in wanting that. So to help out those of you struggling to say no to your former guildmates firing up the just-released Cataclysm expansion, here are some helpful replies. I've conveniently broken them down by category. Feel free to add your own funny responses in the comments. Enjoy!
Excuses for…
– Role-Players
"Sorry, bro. It turns out that Valrien Sunstrider [insert your own character's name here] was sleeping in the middle of the barrens when Deathwing awoke and farted, splitting the land asunder. Valrien fell valiantly into a crevasse and died. Later, a bunch of noob goblins from some crappy island excavated his epics and burned his guild tabard. I've put up a fan site in his memory."
– Realists
"Dude, Cataclysm is the same game except with shinier water and homeless goblins. Let me break down how this will go…again:
We'll get to the level cap, we'll farm badges, we'll grow the guild for raiding, we'll beat all the content, and then we'll wait four months for the next content patch.
Meanwhile, Arathorn — the resident idiot no one will kick out of the guild because he's Larry's brother — will tell me Shamans are the new tanks. At this point Ariel will post on our boards with her statistics on why they are, in fact, not tanks. Arathorn will retort with a picture of his butt crack, and it'll be The Burning Crusade all over again.
No way, man. I'm so out of here."
Do you really want to go through this again?
– Guild Leaders
"There will be peace on earth before you children understand the simple concept of punctuality. Maybe you'd like to tell my wife that I crawled into bed at 3 a.m. on a Tuesday because Hogatha, the only main tank available, was two hours late because he was watching The Office on Netflix — which, as it turns out, was more important than the 24 people waiting for him.
No? I didn't think so."
– Guys with Girlfriends
"You know, buddy, my woman is pretty hot. Like really hot. I think I'm just gonna chill with her and not spend my weeknights in the arena anymore. Besides, I broke my fifth headset after we lost to that double Paladin team.
Also, have you heard of this thing called an Xbox? Apparently it's been out for a long time, and there's a bunch of games for it. I had no idea. You can play on the couch without a wireless keyboard and mouse. Imagine that!"
– Real-Life Women
"I'd like to avoid any more requests on our boards for my 'pics' or guys asking what size my bra is. Yes, I am as hot as my character, and no, we will not meet up 'IRL.' However, you are more than welcome to give me all of your gold before I sell this account on eBay."
– Impatient People
"No. And fuck goblins. Seriously."
– People with Shit to Do
"Look, I have better shit to do than run new heroics for a new breastplate. You know I used to watch TV whenever we rolled together? Like, full on. I've seen every episode of Medium and Iron Chef. The nightmares I've had lately have been both terrifying and delicious."