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What happens when a kid asks for a new video-game console for Christmas, but their cheap and misguided parents decide to shop solely on price or their own sense of what their children should play, rather than looking for the best-rated games to buy their child? Well, they end up with a combination like one of these I encountered as a GameStop employee.
The Xbox 360 gift set
Console: A refurbished Xbox 360 Arcade console from GameStop with a wired GameStop-brand controller — both destined to break within the next two weeks.
Games included:
Viva Piñata: Party Animals – While both of the main Viva Piñata games are interesting combinations of Pokémon and gardening, this bastard of a minigame collection is the worst type of cash-in. It's less fun to play than Hide and Go Seek with your slow-moving granny.
You're in the Movies – This game looks like it could be released on the Wii…if the Wii was a torture device that swallows crying children whole.
The PS3 gift set
Console: A PS3 with "light wear" bought on eBay. Too bad the seller neglected to mention that this light wear includes a DVD tray that refuses to open. Also, they already opened the system to try and fix it, assuring that the hardware's warranty is null and void.
Games included:
Genji: Days of the Blade – Sure, this game looks like a fun, blade-slicing romp, but it plays like frustrating, hastily thrown-together launch title — which it is.
Lair – I'm a huge fan of Factor 5's Star Wars flying games, so it's a shame this dragon-flying turd killed the studio. The game is saturated with off-putting browns, and your dragon has only a passing interest in listening to your commands.
The Wii gift set
Console: A used Wii from a pawn shop that's missing the remote sensor attachment, rendering it utterly useless Christmas morning. This may be a godsend, however, because these parents also bought….
Games included:
Anubis 2 – This awful game is published by the aptly named Conspiracy, a company that publishes games so bad, they'll make you actually want to play Farmville.
Billy the Wizard – This title is also published by Conspiracy. Their games are destined to sit near the counter at your local Walmart or Best Buy and lure unsuspecting parents into their merciless traps. Parents, beware: Buying anything from this publisher is like asking an elephant to step on your foot — it's not a good idea, and you will be sorely injured by the results.
The DS gift set
Console: A scratched-up original DS "Phat" with no stylus and a GameStop sticker on the case to hide all the scratches.
Games included:
Ping Pals – This lame cartridge claims to get you "chatting and getting into the game with friends." Unfortunately, your parents didn't take the time to find out that the DS already has a feature like this built in. Look at the bright side: The game's case makes for an awesome coaster!
Guitar Rock Tour – Let me explain how the purchase of this game went down: "My kid wants that game with the gue-tars." "Here you are, sir." "WHAT?? Guitar Hero is $34.99?? Lemme get that Gue-tar Rock Tour right thar fer ten bucks!"
The PSP gift set
Console: Last, but oh-so-least…a PSP!
Not only is this system about to go away for good, but it also has one of the lamest libraries of any major console ever released. Its games also won't likely be backwards compatible with the rumored PSP2.
Games included:
Mercifully, none.
Sure, there are some winners out there for this rather beefy but easy-to-break handheld system, but more than likely the uneducated parent is going to buy junk like Kingdom of Paradise, Frantix, or The Hustle.