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Since I have known my wife, I’ve been waging a not-so-subtle campaign to get her to play video games. It has been, well, an arduous task.
Day 1: My future wife and I meet in a bar by chance. We chat for about 10 minutes and she leaves.
Day 3: My future wife and I meet in a bar by chance again. She has forgotten my name, but we hit things off pretty well. She is a beautiful, cultured woman who has lived abroad and has led a fascinating life. The only thing more amazing than her is the fact that she’s talking to a nerd like me. She shows no inclination towards nerd lifestyle — that is, until I am chastised for ruining the end of the fifth and sixth Harry Potter books. In due course, we will fall madly in love.
Day 97: I move into my future wife’s apartment. I don’t hook up my GameCube. I discover she has a secret Nintendo 64, but she doesn’t remember when it was last used, and the only games she has are Monopoly and NFL Quarterback Club 99. I can see why she doesn’t use it.
Day 248: We move into a two-story house. I finally hook up my GameCube. Approximately at this time, I discover 1UP and its excellent collection of podcasts. I become very interested in video games for the first time in about two years. I play through Starfox Adventures and remarkably discover I am still interested in video games.
Day 323: Before heading to her sister’s lesbian wedding, my future wife buys me a copy of Super Monkey Ball 2 to keep me occupied in her absence. This woman must really love me. As this is the first video game she has purchased for me, I do everything in my power to get her to check it out: “Look how cute it is! It’s really easy to play! Monkey Ball? Get it? Isn’t that funny?” Nothing doing.
Day 609: My future wife and I are engaged. For an engagement/birthday gift, she buys me a Nintendo Wii. She has already played it at her friends and believes that I would like it.
Wait, what? My wife played video games without me? And liked it? This is a golden opportunity.
“Hey you want to make a Mii? Great, looks just like you! Wii Sports? Yes, we can play that!”
Of course Wii Sports doesn’t technically count, so I have to up the ante.
“Let’s try Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix. Looks interesting right? This? Oh I’m casting spells by waving the Wii remote and…hey, where you going?”
Damn it.
Day 802: I pick up Geometry Wars Galaxies on the cheap. The future wife glances at it and says, “That’s the nerdiest thing I have ever seen.” Substantial setback.
Day 1,022: On a visit to the future-in-laws, I hang out with the future wife’s brother. He’s playing Dead Rising. “This game is deadly, b’y. Friggin’ deadly,” he says in his thick Newfoundland accent. “Fuckin’ crazy, this game. Look what I’m doing with the weed whacker!”
The wife walks in. “Thank God he has someone else to show his video games.”
Even more substantial setback.
Day 1,200: My daughter is born. Video games weren’t involved; however, shortly after her return from the hospital, I look up from my book for new fathers and say, “It says here that babies love bold and bright colors and happy melodies. Do you think she’ll like Mega Man 2?” My future wife doesn’t bother to answer me.
Day 1,446: My future wife becomes my wife. Video games weren’t involved again.
Day 1,601: I convince my wife to let me spend our savings on an Xbox 360. She says that Prince of Persia, a packed-in game, looks stupid and that she hates it.
“What do you have against Prince of Persia?”
“I’ve always hated Prince of Persia.”
“What? As opposed to all the games you love?”
Day 1,608: My wife asks me why I don’t have any fighting games. “Why?” I ask.
“Because I love fighting games.”
“Since when?”
“Always.”
This seems like an opening, but do I really want to spend $60 on a new controller so that she can play Super Street Fighter 4 (another $30 by the way) for a few minutes? No, not even I can justify that.
Day 1,747: I get LEGO Harry Potter: Years 1-4.
“I think I might want to play that,” the wife says.
“Really?”
“Mmmmmm. Maybe.”
Day 1,760: “Look how much fun I’m having? Don’t you want to play? Look, I’m Moaning Myrtle! In LEGO!”
“No, thank you.”
Day 1,897: “Do you think you’d like to have Epic Mickey for Christmas?” she asks.
“Yeah…that sounds like fun!”
I get a drill instead. But it’s a very good drill.
Day 1,932: My wife is officially using the Xbox 360 to watch movies more than I use it to play games. That doesn’t count, does it?
Day 1,947: I pick up Toy Story 3 for the Xbox 360. My daughter is obsessed with the franchise, having seen each movie a dozen times. I thought this would be a great excuse to play video games while everyone is awake. I show my wife the purchase.
To my shock she asks, “Can I play it?”
“The game?”
“Yes.”
“What? Now?”
“Yes.”
“You sure can! Grab the controller!”
She plays through the first part of the first level. She dies a lot.
“I don’t want to play anymore. I killed Woody a lot.”
That’s OK. Because after 1,947 days: Mission accomplished.
And now to get that copy of Super Street Fighter 4.