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Once again, it's time to check in with our panel of gaming greats and get our IQ squared!
Sure, we play games because they're fun, but what's even more fun? Getting cool stuff. Doesn't even matter what it is. You want some candy for all your hard work, so now every single release offers unlockables to finally make the whole exercise worthwhile. But what do the people (and assorted sub-humans) who do all the heavy lifting actually want, and what's the best thing they've ever unlocked?
"Control, we gotta get some of those Tier 1 beards like Dom has for everybody here. Especially Anya. Delta out."
– Marcus Fenix, Gears of War 3
"Suggestion: I would very much like to unlock a butter knife. I have heard meatbags speak of them, but it is difficult to believe they can only kill butter. I would also like to unlock a convenient victim to hand me the butter knife."
– HK-47, Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic
"Hell, son, I'm my favorite unlockable! Ain't nothing makes violence so pretty like adding some sweet Avery Johnson to your loadout. Aw, yeah…that's niiiiiice!"
– Sergeant Avery Johnson, Halo 3: ODST
"I come with unlockable character skins from Assassin's Creed, so Ubisoft finally admitted those guys are basically less charming versions of me. Oh, and Altair's burlap shirt makes my nipples all itchy."
– The Prince, Prince of Persia
"I hate unlockables! Don't gimmie something just 'cause I did something…at least make me steal it, y'know? That's how capitalism works!"
– Francis, Left 4 Dead
"I love my Hand Cannon. Slipping that sweet little mitten on always reminds me of the first time I tongue-kissed my mother."
– Isaac Clarke, Dead Space 2
"They spray paint my armor different colors. That's nice, and the paint fumes are a lot of fun, but I keep asking them to do it up Vader style and they won't. Apparently, there's a problem with me getting sued out of existence. Come on, don't we have an 'in' there?"
– Garrus Vakarian, Mass Effect 2
"I think it would be cool to unlock smarter people to deal with. You know, criminals who aren't obviously the product of inbreeding or experimental drug testing."
– Niko Bellic, Grand Theft Auto 4
"I may be mistaking upgrades for unlockables. Can you tell me which category the 'Beat-You-With-an-Ugly-Stick-Until-You're-Beautiful-Again Cudgel 'O Freedom' would fall under?
– Clank, Ratchet & Clank
"Screw you @$$%()!# fans. I want my hair back."
– Cole MacGrath, Infamous 2