This post has not been edited by the GamesBeat staff. Opinions by GamesBeat community writers do not necessarily reflect those of the staff.

I hope you're sitting down because I'm about to tell you some shocking information. Also, why are you standing at your computer? Is it for your health? If so, good for you.

Anyway, shocking revelation: Transformers: Dark of the Moon — Stealth Force Edition for the Wii is an incredibly terrible game. It has lousy controls, boring graphics, and it's only two hours long. What, not shocking enough for ya? Alright, how about this: I'm fairly certain that it is so terrible that it makes the movie it's based on (and takes two-thirds of its name from) look better than fried gold — and I'm going to prove it.

Using science, along with my own embarrassingly vast knowledge of Transformers lore, I've compiled a list of four items that are absolutely crucial to anything bearing the name of this glorious line of toys. By determining which dreadful waste of the license meets the fewest of these criteria, I will answer a question that has been stumping mankind ever since the days of Aristotle: Which is worse, this bad Transformers video game or that bad Transformers movie?

 

1. Things that turn into robots

The original cartoon, known as Generation One (or G1 if you're cool), featured a whole slew of things that turned into robots. What's more fun than cars, spaceships, a gun, a stereo, dinosaurs, and even dinosaur spaceships that can all transform into robots? Nothing, that's what.

Transformers: Dark of the Moon (movie): Cars, jets, a stereo, and even a Rosie Huntington-Whiteley that all turn into (or act like) robots.

Transformers: Dark of the Moon — Stealth Force Edition: Just cars. No dinosaur spaceships, no stereos, just cars. They do turn into slightly different cars though. That's…something.

In case you can't tell, that's not a robot. That's a car.

2. Fun, kid-friendly human sidekicks

The G1 Transformers befriended a kid and his father named Spike and Sparkplug Witwicky. Spike's mother, Crankshaft Witwicky, was never seen or mentioned in the cartoons — most likely because I just made her up.

Dark of the Moon (movie): While Shia LaBeouf's various drunken rampages outside of the movies aren't really "kid-friendly," in DOTM he's still stuck facing the impossible task of finding a job after college — which is something kids should probably start worrying about now. That way they won't be surprised when they have to move back home with their parents after they graduate.

Transformers: DOTM — Stealth Force Edition: Just cars, no humans. I don't even think any humans are ever mentioned. Maybe I got it wrong, and this is actually a game based on that kids' movie about the cars…where it was all cars driving around doing car stuff with other cars…whatever that was called. Driving Miss Daisy, I think.

3. "Knowing is half the battle!" 

People like to credit G.I. Joe for having the guts to put PSAs at the end of each episode, but the Transformers did it, too. Just look at this airplane teaching some kids not to be sexist. Anyone can skateboard, not just boys. The Transformers cartoon was always about teaching you a lesson.

Dark of the Moon (movie): Another lesson to take away, other than the aforementioned lousy job market, is that you shouldn't mess around with girls like Megan Fox. She's crazy, and she will leave you in between movies. You don't need that. You saved the world!

Transformers: DOTM — Stealth Force Edition: Does teaching you the importance of dodging missiles count? Because that's pretty much all you do in this game. Just dodge missiles in your really slow car until you blow up. Actually, here's an important lesson: Watch out for movie tie-in games on the Wii. Save your $40, and give it to a girl being prejudiced against — she'll appreciate it more than you would. Now you know, and knowing is half the battle!

4. Selling toys is the other half of the battle

If I walk out of your Transformers movie/cartoon/video game/toy commercial and don't want to buy some fuckin' toys, you have failed. Every five minutes in the cartoon some new character walks in, introduces himself so you can find him more easily in the store, and then whips out some cool accessory that is totally included with the actual retail product. Man, I should go buy some toys….

Dark of the Moon (movie): At one point in the movie, Optimus Prime's trailer turns into some crazy wings and he flies around beating the screws out of some Decepticons. It's almost the exact same thing as in the cartoon: A beloved character does something really exciting with a fancy add-on, and then you go right to the store and buy a toy version of it. Capitalism!

Transformers: DOTM — Stealth Force Edition: They do have Stealth Force toys, and I assume this game was created just to sell them. I can respect that, since selling toys is what the Transformers are all about, but these toys really suck:

I don't want to buy that. You don't want to buy that. Nobody wants to buy that.

So which is worse?

Well, it should've been obvious by the first item in this list. Transformers: Dark of the Moon — Stealth Force Edition is much worse than the latest Oscar-grab from Michael Bay and not just because it's an awful video game (which it is). No, it's worse because it is a Transformers video game without any transforming robots in it. Every single executive that saw it and said, "Yep, that's a good idea" right before they drove off in their multi-million-dollar sports cars that they bought with that sweet game-dev money to go party with celebrities is personally responsible for both of the hours I wasted getting 100% on this trash.

Maybe someday video games will be able to live up to the high standards set by Michael Bay — but today is not that day.