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Note: This story is a parody for the latest Bitmob Writing Challenge.

FIFA 12 is the best selling sports game ever, so the only way for FIFA 13 to outdo its predecessor is to learn a thing or two from gaming’s biggest badass, Kratos. So grab your Blades of Chaos and let the angry man screaming ensue.

Weapons

In soccer, the ball is handled with your feet, so your hands are free. That doesn’t sit too well with Kratos. He’s more of a hands on kind of guy. So, what better way to occupy your hands, than Kratos’ own weapon of choice, the Blades of Chaos? They’re good for cutting, stabbing, and they have

GOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLL!!!!!!!

More stabbing

If there’s one thing Kratos does well, it’s stabbing. People, monsters, gods, Kratos has stabbed them all. So, in FIFA 13, equip your Blades of Chaos, charge at the guy with the ball and press square to stab!

QTEs

Once the ball is in your possession, it’s one against 11. Kratos doesn’t play with a team, and neither should you. Sure, you could cut everyone up with the Blades of Chaos, but soccer is about scoring, and you should score the way Kratos does, with a QTE.

X dodges a player, triangle cuts one, square kicks the ball, but the goalie catches it, so keep mashing square to kick his face in ‘till that ball hits the net!

This could be a QTE!

Sex

Studies have shown that sex before sports might be beneficial to athletes, so FIFA players should do it like Kratos, with a QTE! Tap the buttons in sequence and knock over a vase while two girls watch on! And if you do it perfectly, they’ll join in for some off screen, button tapping action.

Release hope

Finally, if you find yourself losing miserably at the end of the second half in FIFA, stab yourself. According to God of War, that’s how you release hope. Don’t worry, your digital avatar won’t die, but even if he does, they still play soccer in Hell. Besides, Kratos has been to Hades at least 4 times, so if you’re even half the badass he is, you can escape at least once.