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Rapture Raptor
"You're a #*!@ing velociraptor!” reads this game’s Android Market description. That’s not the only criterion for a good mobile game, but it certainly got me interested. That it’s set during the Rapture, that Jesus is an edible powerup, and that it's free practically obliges Android and iOS users to try it out. Providing their name isn't in the Book of Life, and they've resigned themselves to an afterlife of fire and poking.
Here’s how it works:
- Tap the sides of your phone/tablet’s touchscreen to move left and right, avoiding meteorites presumably hurled by a deity who finds none of this amusing
- Shake your device to send panicking hordes of Christless stick-men flying
- Try to catch and eat as many as possible as they fall back to the ground
- Eat powerup stick-men such as Jesus
Aside from conferring invulnerability, Jesus allows raptors who do not accept transubstantiation — the belief that bread and wine literally turn into Christ’s flesh and blood during the Eucharist — to share an experience usually reserved for Roman Catholics. Why Jesus is among those left behind is, unfortunately, never explained.
Rapture Raptor is simple and only includes one level, so it won’t keep you amused for as long as larger side-scrolling eating games such as Death Worm. But it takes better advantage of mobile input-methods and is certainly worth a few minutes of your time if you don't expect to be Raptured yourself.
It’s available for free for worshippers of Android and iOS.
Android
iOS
Scan these QR codes with a barcode-scanning app such as Google Goggles (also available for Android and iOS).
Jesus Christ Hyperspace
Jesus Christ Hyperspace brings its blasphemy far more stylishly than Rapture Raptor. Gone are stick men and ugly textured font, in is a colorful background and some cheerful gospel music.
Here’s how it works:
- Tilt your device from side to side to steer Jesus in his jet-pack
- Collect communion wafers to give Jesus an upwards boost (while wondering about his views on transubstantiation)
- Try to propel Jesus into space
Of course, Hyperspace steals an idea we've seen before in Doodle Jump, but that game's homemade cutesiness won’t endear you to Satan as effectively as this.
Again, this game will only last as long as you have the patience to increase your score, but it'll put a grin on your heretical face while it lasts.
It’s free on the Android Market. Sorry, iOS users, but you'll have to covet your neighbors for this one.
Meta-game: How many broken commandments can you spot in this article?