5 Reasons Skyrim is similar to Crack Cocaine

 

 

1) Both are somewhat unsightly products that keep you addicted

I'm not saying that Skyrim is UGLY per say, but when you get close enough to objects or people you can definitely tell it's a game. From the way that the plants look like abstract art spray painted green and brown or the way people turn on the spot like levitating ragdolls, there's always moments that take you out of the immersion.

Yet even when you spend 5 hours swinging a sword that doesn't do enough damage against a frost troll that does way TOO MUCH damage and poorly lit dungeons . . . you can't stop. You know you should be studying for your midterms or taking your girl out but instead you're stealing pieces of cheese after lock picking some poor gal's house . . .

Crack is somewhat similar. If someone gave you a hand full of cream-colored pebbles and said "Dude smoke this!" you'd be like "No way!".

3 months later you wake up in a jail cell, a nosebleed and a kid (note this also sometimes happens with Skyrim).

2) Both reinforce pre-existing stereotypes

Crack reinforces the stereotype that the lower class is full of low lives who cannot control their own addiction even when the consequences loom before them. I mean, think of the image you get when someone says "crack-head". Yeah.

In Skyrim, your first partner is a woman who literally does all the work for you. Can't kill a bear? Let Lydia attack it and chill in the back eating apples you stole off of someone's dinner table! She is literally so eager to serve you that it's almost impossible to kill her. I thought a frost giant killed her once and offered a silent prayer in memory of her and traveled on. A mile later, she rejoined me and said, "I am sworn to carry your burden".

Isn't undermining feminism great!

3) Both lead to anti-social behavior

On the one hand, we have a drug which is so cheap and addictive that it's the drug of choice among the lower class and is one of the most actively trafficked drugs. It reduces its users to shells of their former selves, wasted away wondering where their lives went.

On the other hand we have a game that actively encourages breaking into people's places and murdering them, slaughtering the local wild life and pilfering rare artifacts from people's tombs. Then when their girlfriend's leave, they get kicked out of college and get fat . . . it reduces its users to shells of their former selves, wasted away wondering where their lives went.

4) Both are looked down upon by environmentalists

Every time someone lights up a crack pipe, the resulting fumes punch holes in the ozone and kills an average of 1.2 walruses.

Every time someone sets a saber-toothed cat on fire, the resulting carbon emissions punch holes in the ozone that kills several ice wraiths . . . that you could be killing for valuable experience!

Also, aren't dragons technically extinct animals that miraculously came back to Skyrim? Shouldn't we be celebrating their return instead of sucking their souls out of their corpses like date-rape dementors?

5) Both can be smoked

Grind up the disk into miniscule chunks and use the instruction booklet as a wrap. And for the love of god . . . REMOVE THE STAPLES FIRST!