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A group of upperclassmen at Wilkes High School in suburban Champagne, Illinois has discovered why so many people buy "bad" games.
“It was a scheme conducted in secret by Activision, Electronic Arts, Microsoft, Rockstar, and many others,” student Caiden Miller told me in a conversation we held at one of their weekly Japanese role-playing game appreciation meetings. "Have you ever met anyone who actually likes Call of Duty? We hadn't. That's how we knew that something — or someone — must be tricking everyone with a different opinion than us."
How did this cabal of nefarious video game makers trick so many innocent civilians into purchasing first-person shooters and other flashy-but-substanceless titles? For that answer, we have to make a run for the border.
"It's in the Taco Bell Fire sauce," said a smiling Aiden Hawthorne, senior at Wilkes High School and cashier at Hot Topic. She explained that a chemical in the delicious red paste was traced back to increased activity in the medulla-oblongata region of the brain. This stimulus would send affected chalupa lovers scrambling for the nearest modern military shooter or, in some cases, to watch a UFC fight.
"We always knew we had the best taste and couldn’t understand people who didn't have the exact same likes and dislikes as us," Miller said. "Maybe now they can put down Halo or whatever and start playing Journey."
We've contacted Taco Bell, but they would only provide this response: "It's real beef! Please, just leave us alone!"
A serum based on the students' work is being deployed today for use on people who plan to buy Max Payne 3.
BREAKING is a work of fiction.
