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Once again, it’s time to get well-reasoned critical analysis from people who shoot things!
Done! We, as an industry, can finally start referring to the 2012 Electronic Entertainment Expo in the past tense and check ourselves into long-overdue alcohol-recovery programs. But before they pry our laptops and iPads from our cold, dead fingers, we should beat that dead horse one last time because those whiney PETA vegans can suck it! Or maybe that's just our post-show PTSD talking. Except for the part about PETA and vegans, because they can suck it!
Anyway, before they put us back into deep-regression therapy, what say you, panel of experts? Who won? Who lost? What did you think of E3 2012?
“It gave me girl-wood.”
– Rayman, Rayman Legends
"Any conference that didn't have a dance number wins."
– Joel, The Last of Us
“Yeah, baby! The Cole Train got his own game now! Woooo! Finally made the cover of Madden!”
– Augustus Cole, Gears of War: Judgment
“Whelp, Nintendo finally rediscovered the existence of zombie shooters. Game over, man. I gotta go see if Activision’s hiring.”
– Bowser, New Super Mario Bros. Wii
“All I can say is I definitely broke a nail. In some poor chap’s skull.”
– Lara Croft, Tomb Raider
"Why did every single game have a bow or crossbow? Seriously. I really didn't need to see Mario sink an arrow in a koopa's eye."
– Pikachu, Pokemon Black and Whtie
“I win, because I’m done with sneaking around. It’s slow, it’s boring, and I don’t get to shoot as many people.”
– Sam Fisher, Splinter Cell: Blacklist
"Walking the show floor is like the cheapest LSD trip you’ll ever have. Only instead of a shotgun-wielding Tyrannosaur reading Proust, it's booth babes in hot pants. Hey, either way, I'm good."
– Isaac Clarke, Dead Space 3
"So Nintendo made a crappy iPad, Microsoft made an iPad app, and Sony made an iPod Touch. And the winner is…Apple."
– Nathan Drake, Uncharted 3: Drake's Deception
"Enjoyed it! E3 best when celebrating games, players, excess. Reggie Fils-Aime soliloquys. World's biggest Black Ops II commercial. Watch Dogs making Grand Theft Auto V look like inebriated three-legged hooker unable to break $100 bill. Most gratifying. E3 not about business. Give us games. Free shirts, too.
– Mordin Solus, Mass Effect 3
ROUNDTABLE'D! logo art by Samir Torres-Lafont