My first day in Grand Theft Auto Online

Finding the rest of the world boring, I decided to take a vacation to beautiful Los Santos. I may have heard some crazy things about the people and the cars and the police and … well, I’ll just take my time and watch out.

I arrive to find a man named Lamar waiting for me. I’m not sure why, but he seems nice enough. He won’t stop talking about bread and cheese, and I’m pretty sure he wants me to pick up some drugs! Well, maybe this is just the whole experience. Maybe drugs aren’t drugs out here, and maybe I’ll get that fine bread and cheese he keeps talking so fondly about.

OH, JESUS! This man just keeps ramming cars all down the street and he … he’s getting out and shooting some people. I’m so scared and have no clue what to do, so I pick a pistol up off the ground. OFF THE GROUND! Who just leaves a pistol on the side of the street? There aren’t many bullets left, and I miss a bunch of times, but I get him. I hope. Los Santos can’t be all this bad, right? I’m cut and bleeding, and my clothes are ruined, and I’m pretty sure that Cinnabon I ate before I got on the plane has stained the back of my pants. I avoid the main roads as I hear screams and gunshots everywhere. Please let me make it to a hotel.

Later in the day, I see a big glowing circle in a parking lot. Now, since arriving, I’m not so curious to find out what it does, but I figure I’m here so I might as well make the most of it. My phone beeps, and I pick up what will be the weirdest conference call I have ever had. A bunch of strangers all whooping and hollering. Then a menu I’ve never seen pops up, and I have to pick a car from a rather odd selection of expensive-looking models. I figure, “Gee, is this a free car?” and I choose one. It’s pink. Then it’s destroyed.

How could I have known I would be transported to an arena where criminally insane people are firing rockets and guns and racing!? What has this world come to? I run out of my car just in time to see pink shrapnel fly at crotch level an inch to my right. Then my phone beeps again, and some names and numbers and stuff appear and tells me I’ve come in last place and won no money. Where … who … I WAS ALMOST KILLED! To my surprise, I have another choice to make: a location in a different part of the city. Is this a way out?

OK, the racing was one thing, but this? Being zapped into the middle of some kind of … deathmatch? There’s gunfire in the middle of a busy street, and all of the drivers crash. AND THE KILLING CONTINUES. I hide in the hills just beyond the battle with yet more stains in my pants. After it’s over, I’m treated to another $0 reward. I don’t want money, I want to leave now. Why does this place mock me? I think I’ve seen the last of the violence when the winner of the battle starts accessing an ATM and another loser shoot him and rruns off with the money. At this point, I think about all the warnings I got before I came to Los Santos. How dumb am I?

How I’m still alive I’ll never understand. I’m robbed with a shotgun. The pain is intense, and the floating weirdo who comes over to me afterward is creepy, and this is all too much. But, somehow, I awake outside of a hospital. Apparently, I can’t die here? I’m afraid I’ll never understand this place, but I finally make a friend. The robbery was just a misunderstanding. And the next three attempts are misunderstandings as well. Craig here says he’s sorry and that he’d like to show me around. After some coaxing, I crawl out from under the bridge and accept a tour. Oddly enough, Craig is very nice and even makes me a member of his crew or something.

After shopping for some clothes, we walk to the gas station to get some snacks. Craig has a lot of money after we leave, and I don’t see an ATM anywhere, but he must have been hiding it in his bandana. Come to think of it, we didn’t have a car now then either … but we sure drive out of there fast. And with a broken window! I tell him to use a little of that money to fix the window, and we stop at a shop to do just that. Although the turbo is a little much … .

Anyway, after just one day, I can say I’ve lived more than I ever would have anywhere else. It just goes to show a little culture, some fine cheese and bread, and a little luck can enhance anyone’s life.