Japan is one of my favorite countries in the world. Not just because of its rich culture, gorgeous landscapes, or marvelous advances in technology, no … it’s because its residents are bat-shit crazy.
Their insanity shines brightest when it comes to TV commercials. The Japanese are responsible for some of the most bizarre, disturbing, perplexing, and downright creepy advertisements in the history of forever.
Ads for video games are no exception. While I don’t understand the Japanese language in the slightest, I will translate 10 weird commercials in my own words based on what I’m seeing and hearing. May Mecha Christ have mercy on us all.
1. Resident Evil 5
Resident Evil’s official departure from “survival horror” came in the form of a co-op mode in part five. Killing monsters with a friend in broad daylight is not particularly scary, especially if your character is a hulking, steroid-filled beast himself.
To trick Japanese players into buying this rehash, Capcom introduced a brand-new, frightening concept to the series through a clever TV ad: sexual submission.
If one hero dies, it’s game over for both players. This is a timeless, bullshit tactic from developers to raise the difficulty and lower our patience. In the commercial, Kill Bill’s Gogo Yubari (Chiaki Kuriyama) fucks up and needs to be rescued by her partner, who happens to be fellow actor Yoichi Nukumizu.
The relationship between Chiaki and Yoichi may be irrelevant, but the fact that he’s 21 years older than than her, combined with his facial expression, sends chills down my spine like no Resident Evil game has done before. We all know where this is headed.
The American version of the TV spot was a bit more direct.
2. ChuChu Rocket!
If you’ve watched Tom & Jerry cartoons you know the war between felines and rodents can be brutal. Sega’s ChuChu Rocket!, on the other hand, is a charming and whimsical game of cat and mouse. You guide cute, tiny mice to a rocket ship so a chubby kitty can’t get its paws on them.
So, who can explain this?
The chuchus waltz into the kapukapu’s mouth, where they’re turned into used maxi pads. That’s it. Game over, man! Cats win. But hold on, what’s that rumbling sound?
Boom, motherfucker!
Alternate box art with proper ESRB rating.
3. Kirby’s Dream Land
A child draws a picture of Kirby on a wall for his art class while he sings a happy song. Adorable, you say? Not by a long shot. Japan’s education system is notoriously strict, and the pink marshmallow will not tolerate poor sketching skills.
Deeply offended by the kid’s hideous doodle, Kirby comes to life, swallows the young lad whole, and spits him out into a far away star.
Without food, water, oxygen, or Nintendo, the youngster’s demise is guaranteed.
4. Sonic Pinball Party
Sonic Pinball Party is a cross between Sonic the Hedgehog and old pinball machines, right? Wrong. It’s actually a therapeutic scientific experiment hoping to cure one of the more crippling ailments children face these days: Pelosiophobia. For the uneducated, it’s the irrational fear of getting tea-bagged.
The first-person shooter genre is responsible for more young males sniffing stranger’s nut sacks than the YMCA. Sega of Japan mixed video games, hypnotic music, and giant blue balls to help kids cope with the savage, every day occurrence.
Kids not only lose their fear of scrotum … they embrace it.
5. McDonald’s
Here in America, people usually associate fast food with lard, thunder thighs, and type 2 diabetes. It turns out Japan feels the exact same way.
Two kids on their way to McDonald’s get intercepted by Sony PlayStation mascots in a futile attempt to save their lives. These game characters have already eaten a few burgers at Donald McDonald’s restaurant and have lost basic motor functions.
PaRappa the Rapper can’t skateboard to save his life. Toro Inoue cracks his skull against the pavement while trying to ride a bicycle. McDonald’s instantly adds “Cat Brain Slushy” to the menu.
A chocobo, high on corn syrup, power-walks straight to the morgue. Then a raging pack of apes that had one McCafé too many tramples the kids.
