Japan is one of my favorite countries in the world. Not just because of its rich culture, gorgeous landscapes, or marvelous advances in technology, no … it’s because its residents are bat-shit crazy.
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Ads for video games are no exception. While I don’t understand the Japanese language in the slightest, I will translate 10 weird commercials in my own words based on what I’m seeing and hearing. May Mecha Christ have mercy on us all.
1. Resident Evil 5
Resident Evil’s official departure from “survival horror” came in the form of a co-op mode in part five. Killing monsters with a friend in broad daylight is not particularly scary, especially if your character is a hulking, steroid-filled beast himself.
To trick Japanese players into buying this rehash, Capcom introduced a brand-new, frightening concept to the series through a clever TV ad: sexual submission.
If one hero dies, it’s game over for both players. This is a timeless, bullshit tactic from developers to raise the difficulty and lower our patience. In the commercial, Kill Bill’s Gogo Yubari (Chiaki Kuriyama) fucks up and needs to be rescued by her partner, who happens to be fellow actor Yoichi Nukumizu.
The relationship between Chiaki and Yoichi may be irrelevant, but the fact that he’s 21 years older than than her, combined with his facial expression, sends chills down my spine like no Resident Evil game has done before. We all know where this is headed.
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The American version of the TV spot was a bit more direct.
2. ChuChu Rocket!
If you’ve watched Tom & Jerry cartoons you know the war between felines and rodents can be brutal. Sega’s ChuChu Rocket!, on the other hand, is a charming and whimsical game of cat and mouse. You guide cute, tiny mice to a rocket ship so a chubby kitty can’t get its paws on them.
So, who can explain this?
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The chuchus waltz into the kapukapu’s mouth, where they’re turned into used maxi pads. That’s it. Game over, man! Cats win. But hold on, what’s that rumbling sound?
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Boom, motherfucker!
Alternate box art with proper ESRB rating.
3. Kirby’s Dream Land
A child draws a picture of Kirby on a wall for his art class while he sings a happy song. Adorable, you say? Not by a long shot. Japan’s education system is notoriously strict, and the pink marshmallow will not tolerate poor sketching skills.
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Deeply offended by the kid’s hideous doodle, Kirby comes to life, swallows the young lad whole, and spits him out into a far away star.
Without food, water, oxygen, or Nintendo, the youngster’s demise is guaranteed.
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4. Sonic Pinball Party
Sonic Pinball Party is a cross between Sonic the Hedgehog and old pinball machines, right? Wrong. It’s actually a therapeutic scientific experiment hoping to cure one of the more crippling ailments children face these days: Pelosiophobia. For the uneducated, it’s the irrational fear of getting tea-bagged.
The first-person shooter genre is responsible for more young males sniffing stranger’s nut sacks than the YMCA. Sega of Japan mixed video games, hypnotic music, and giant blue balls to help kids cope with the savage, every day occurrence.
Kids not only lose their fear of scrotum … they embrace it.
5. McDonald’s
Here in America, people usually associate fast food with lard, thunder thighs, and type 2 diabetes. It turns out Japan feels the exact same way.
Two kids on their way to McDonald’s get intercepted by Sony PlayStation mascots in a futile attempt to save their lives. These game characters have already eaten a few burgers at Donald McDonald’s restaurant and have lost basic motor functions.
PaRappa the Rapper can’t skateboard to save his life. Toro Inoue cracks his skull against the pavement while trying to ride a bicycle. McDonald’s instantly adds “Cat Brain Slushy” to the menu.
A chocobo, high on corn syrup, power-walks straight to the morgue. Then a raging pack of apes that had one McCafé too many tramples the kids.
6. Mario vs. Donkey Kong
One thing I’ve learned from the Internet is that boobs are good and balls are bad. This Mario vs. Donkey Kong ad has both, so it falls somewhere in the middle.
For such a wholesome company, Nintendo went out of their way to make this commercial extra disturbing. Cute girls dressed as Toad handling Mario’s balls, close-up of breasts, and a hint of bestiality.
I will attempt to explain the situation. It takes giant cojones to face armies of flying turtles, killer fish, and whatever the hell Thwomps are. So, Mario created a factory where new testicles are manufactured…by mushroom ladies.
Donkey Kong loves Italian man-eggs, so he breaks into the factory, stuffs Mario’s balls in his sack, and threatens the helpless women. Also, tits.
7. Sega Genesis
Imagine that it’s 1988, you’re in charge of Sega, and you need to wow gamers with your new console, the Mega Drive (Genesis in the U.S.). You have 30 seconds to blow their minds. What do you do? Hire this asshole:
Nice bowl cut. How about showing us amazing, exclusive games?
Got anything else besides Altered Beast?
Right…. I don’t think people are buying the “visual shock, speed shock, sound shock” nonsense. What does that even mean? No wonder Nintendo and NEC kicked your ass throughout the whole 16-bit era in Japan. Any last words?
8. The Legend of Zelda: A Link to the Past
Quick, think of a way to depict The Legend of Zelda: A Link to the Past in a television commercial for potential buyers. If you thought of fantastic scenery, evil wizards, or sword fights, you’re an idiot. The correct answer is … dance-off!
Link and his uncle get jiggy with it inside a dungeon to save Princess Zelda, and like Michael Jackson in Moonwalker, they make every baddie shake their booty.
At one point, Zelda screams for help. She sounds like an old man. It’s bizarre, considering the person portraying Link looks like a woman. The only one with a “normal” reaction to this madness is Ganon, but not even he can withstand the torture of the Hyrulian line dance.
9. Super Mario Bros. 2
Learning about the birds and the bees is a confusing and mind-scarring experience for any child. Nintendo tried to help ease the pain with this Super Mario Bros. 2 (Super Mario USA in Japan) commercial, but they may have chosen the wrong spokesperson to do it.
Birdo is a five-foot-tall, pink, transvestite bird-lizard that wears a bow on its head and shoots eggs out of a hole that may or may not be a mouth. Would you let him/her/it educate your little ones about genital warts and oral sex?
10. Mario Party Advance
I have not played Mario Party Advance, so I don’t know if one of the minigames involves ogling at children through a hole in a fence. If that’s not a thing, then HOLY SHIT!
The pedophile reacts to the scent of innocence the only way he knows how: with a raging erection. What follows is the saddest attempt to invade a private property since the original Home Alone.
Pogo sticks, trampolines, balloons (WTF?), springboards … all useless. Has this guy ever heard of ladders? Eventually the deviant busts through the wall like the Kool-Aid Man and falls face-first in a pond.
The cliffhanger ending leaves too many questions unanswered. How long is a triple-homicide jail sentence? Can perverts swim? Was this all a setup by Dateline NBC? Where’s the beef? Beat Mario Party Advance to find out!
