OK, let’s recap:
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Value: 5G/Bronze Trophy
“Paid your respects to the founder of Rapture.”
Early in BioShock 2, you enter an amusement park in the underwater city of Rapture that is basically where founder Andrew Ryan had people send their kids so he could read to them from The Fountainhead. OK, it wasn’t literally that, but it was clearly a propaganda center disguised as a bunch of fun rides. It even had friendly animatronic versions of Ryan to greet the kids and not creep them out at all.
If you look behind the first Ryan-bot, who sits in a re-creation of the real guy’s office, you’ll find a replica of the golf club that your character in the first game used to beat Ryan to death. Pick it up with your telekinesis and use it to knock off the mandroid’s head to unlock this award.
It’s too bad the kids couldn’t be there to see it. I’m sure they would have remembered that moment forever.
Value: 10G/Bronze Trophy
“Karate kick a helicopter.”
I’m not sure what more this Achievement/Trophy needs. It’s quick and easy to do, awards a ridiculously awesome action, and the icon makes me chuckle every time I look at it. Here’s an incredibly British guy to show you how it’s done:
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Value: 20G
“Have some guts … kick a bear!”
Tuesday’s list included an Achievement from Darkest of Days that gave you 100 Gamerscore for punching a horse to death. Cabela’s Big Game Hunter Hunting Party isn’t so cruel. It just asks you to kick a bear in the face to prove your bravery, but the bear will certainly still be alive afterward. You may not be, depending on how he reacts, but at least you showed everyone how tough you were before those claws started a-raking.
Did I mention that Hunting Party is for Microsoft’s Kinect motion sensor, so you, at home, have to actually make a kicking motion to unlock this Achievement? Sorry, “Arcade Action” … I think we found your lack.
Value: 30G/Silver Trophy
“Lifted a triceratops (10,000 kg) total.”
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When you start a fitness program, it’s important to set goals. And if you ever get discouraged, it’s a good idea to look back at how much you’ve accomplished. That’s about the only justification I can think of for this reward, which uses a somewhat arbitrary unit of measurement to put a landmark based on a perfectly good round number into perspective. I guess the developers just really like that song.
Oh, wait. That’s actually impossible.
Value: 10G/Bronze Trophy
“Find and break the mythical unicorn.”
While we’re on the subject of horned animals you don’t see every day (or any day, really), Red Dead Redemption’s “Undead Nightmare” downloadable content adds a number of mythical beasts like jackalopes, Sasquatch, and El Chupacabra. “Fan Service” rewards players who have tracked down the elusive Unicorn and made it their mount.
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I’m really not sure about this one … that’s it; I’m making the call. This one’s off the li–holy crap, it’s beautiful
Call of Juarez: Bound in Blood — “Yankee Cow”
Value: 15G/Bronze
“On Chapter II, don’t kill the cow.”
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It’s rare that an Achievement or Trophy rewards you for not killing something. “Yankee Cow” is one such award.
In Chapter II of Call of Juarez: Bound in Blood, anti-heroes Thomas and Ray investigate a strange noise coming from a barn. Assuming that their enemies await them inside, they grip their pistols, kick open the doors, and activate the obligatory slow-motion-shooting mode that every Wild West-themed video game has.
And then a bull runs out of the barn. You can shoot it or not, but, you know … it’s just a cow. It really just wanted out of there. Sparing your ammo — and, by extension, the bull — unlocks the award.
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Fairytale Fights — “Whoooaaaa!”
Value: 15G/Silver Trophy
“Slide through blood continuously for 3 minutes.”
OK, this one’s a little dark.
If that unfortunate business with the bunny on Tuesday didn’t tip you off, Fairytale Fights is a bit gruesome. It’s also completely adorable, so I’m kind of conflicted here. The easiest way to complete “Whoooaaa!” is to kill an enemy, spilling its blood, and then skate around in a circle until the Achievement or Trophy pops. And as if that weren’t enough, you can also unlock two other blood-related awards at the same time.
The guy in this video puts it best.
Value: 15G/Bronze Trophy
“Inspect a pair of withered binoceros testicles with genuine enthusiasm.”
Games often ask players to examine every item they come across. Often several times. But sometimes, gamers compulsively check everything they see whether they need to or not, and that’s why “Pervert” makes sense. Like “Handle with Caution” in Metal Gear Solid 4, “Pervert” is an award that you won’t unlock unless your completionist tendencies outweigh your sense of decorum when genitals are involved.
Value: 15G
“Issue an Execution order on a citizen called Juanito.”
Playing as El Presidente in developer Haemimont Games’ banana-republic simulator Tropico 4 is hard work. You have to manage imports and exports, your citizens always want things, and the United Nations has a problem with one dude having absolute domain over his country. You must have some way to blow off steam.
Well, since you’re an all-powerful dictator, why not have someone killed? Maybe someone named Juanito so you can pretend that it’s the annoying DJ from the last game? Go for it, El Presidente. Here’s your Achievement.
The funniest part about this award is that if you can’t find anyone in your population named Juanito, you can just arbitrarily pick a guy out, tell him his name is Juanito now, and execute him. And it will count. That’s how powerful you are.
Value: 25G/Bronze Trophy
“Make 50 piles of poo (aggregate total).”
As we all know, poop is funny. Digital poop is even funnier than the real stuff because it doesn’t have the offensive smell and doesn’t even need to exist. Why should virtual livestock need to poop? Well, it does in developer Proper Games’ herding-based puzzle game Flock. And if your digi-cows and pseudo-sheep drop enough brown bombs, you’ll get a nice shiny Achievement or Trophy for their troubles.
Bonus weirdness: Your animals will not poo on their own. To unlock this award, you have to hover your UFO over their heads (did I mention you play as a UFO in this game? That’s actually really important) and use your spotlight to literally smoosh the crap out of them. But be careful; it is possible to push them too hard, and that will make them explode.
This is such a weird Achievement. My favorite part is that it specifies that the 50 required piles are an “aggregate total.” So don’t worry, gamers; you can spread that shit out.
If you can’t get enough metagaming humor, be sure to check out the other articles in this series:
- Part One: Failures
- Part Two: Murder is Fun(?)
- Part Three: That’s so meta
- Part Four: I see what you did there