Above: It’s time to make your friends happy and your enemies cry.
The naughty list
Above: Look at that picture and tell me how that woman’s current setup is any more convenient than just talking into her phone.
Bluetooth headset gloves
It’s going to be cold soon, if it isn’t already in your neighborhood, and it’ll be time to bring out the winter gear. But some people want to be warm and use their touch-screen phones, so companies started making special gloves like these so that you don’t have to expose your sad digits to the cold just to play one more round of Angry Birds. And that’s what you tell the person you bought this present before you slip in, “And also, it has a built-in Bluetooth headset.” And then just stop talking there and let them think about how awesome and considerate you are.
Because if your enemy wants to take advantage of this feature, they’re going to have to make the time-honored thumb-and-pinky gesture to place calls. Not only is this the opposite of the Bluetooth headset’s hands-free appeal, but “Invisible Phone” will make them look even crazier than if they were just wearing a traditional headset and walking down the street talking to thin air.
$40-$60 at ThinkGeek
Above: For when you need that little extra disappointment when someone asks you if you want to “play Gears of War.”
Board games based on video games
It’s entirely possible that a game property has spawned a board game that is both true to its source and fun to play. But since we’re talking about terrible and embarrassing gifts for your enemies, these have to qualify because they say, “I know you like that game, so I just got something that had its name on it because I didn’t want to put in any thought, and they were all out of licensed socks.” And then you just leave them with the ongoing present of having to explain to guests how one would go about making a board game out of a violent, first-person shooter.
Above: This kid seems far too pleased that Tony Stark has just destroyed his bedroom. Possibly after drinking.
Disturbing geeky wall decor
This gift works on the same devastating combination of obvious thoughtlessness and persistent embarrassment as the board games, but it also drizzles some nightmare sauce over everything to make the revenge even sweeter.
These 3D lights are probably meant for kids, but they’re the special kind of terrifying that knows no age. The idea is that you put the thing up on your wall, and it looks like a comic book character has either punched or headbutt his way through from the other side.
They also have ones that look like Captain America’s shield or Thor’s hammer so that your victim can imagine that either of those guys had any interest in murdering them, but for maximum disturbance, you have to get one of the heads. Because your target’s option (other than returning it) is to make it look like Hulk, Spider-Man, or Iron Man is watching them sleep and not really feeling one way or the other about it.
$30 at Target
Above: We can’t even show you the whole thing. It would destroy you.
The most hideous PlayStation 4 cover ever
Google can show you a great many strange and terrifying things with those search terms, but we’re offering this scaly bit of terrible as an exemplar of its type. Because haven’t you looked at your clean, black or white PS4 and thought, “This really should look more like a cobra”? Your enemy will surely know your feelings when they receive this ridiculous decor-ruiner. And then they’ll see the matching controller skins, and your vengeance will be complete.
$32 at Amazon
Above: Dr. Freud, please pick up the green courtesy pho–THAT’S NOT A PHONE!
Minecraft Creeper plush (with sound!)
Sometimes, the best kind of “screw you” is the kind that you can plausibly deny. Take this cuddly, stuffed version of the fearsome Creeper. You can give this to that special Minecraft player that you hate and then stand there with a straight face and say, “I know you like that game, and this seemed cute.” But then the recipient, you, and everyone else who might be present will have to politely avoid the fact that the Creeper looks like the Incredible Hulk drew an angry face on his junk.
$40 at ThinkGeek
Above: For that special someone whose dreams are aimed squarely between the stars and the ground.
‘Become a Video Game Tester’
This e-book for your enemy’s Nook is all about how to “land the best job in the world,” by which it means testing video games. Because surely it does not get any better for a fan to turn their hobby into a repetitive, persnickety job. Become a Video Game Tester says, “I know you like games, and I would like to use that to destroy you.” Or, “You like games, I had $4 left to burn on a Barnes & Noble gift card, and I don’t think this book looks shady or misguided at all.”
$4 at Barnes & Noble
Above: Finally, a gift that says, “Hey, you have especially grubby mitts, right?”
iRoller touch-screen cleaner
The iRoller actually looks like an all right product; I’d probably buy one, in fact. But this practical and innovative device puts out a very specific message if you give it to someone as a gift. That message is that you think your enemy would benefit greatly from a super-clever screen cleaner because you know that they do not wipe the chocolate from their fingers before blasting out an e-mail. And also that you think that they need such a gadget so badly that you went ahead and got a super-compact one that they can take anywhere.
Or this could backfire in a big way, and they’ll thank you for the really useful thing. So this one could go either way, really, but it’s potentially the most passive-aggressive gift in this entire roundup.
$20 at The Grommet
Above: Just … why?
The Mustache Monacle
This one, however? Not so much. Its recipient will know right away that you might as well have just wrapped up a 3D-printed model of your middle finger.
You can start the eff-you-ery early by “letting slip” ahead of time that you found the perfect thing for them at Geek Chic, a site that mostly sells high-end, functional, and expensive furniture, mostly for tabletop role-playing and board gamers. For example, it sells this completely amazing table that transforms into an epic station, which includes shelves for your books, cup holders, and a recessed play area that will keep dice from escaping (and will also preserve your session if something cuts it short). It starts at $9,850.
Then you’ll hand your foe a small, decidedly un-table-shaped box, and maybe they’ll think, “OK, maybe it’s a gift card to help me pay for the amazing setup that I totally want now because I’ve been drooling over that site since that hint dropped.”
But then they’ll open it and discover the Mustache Monacle, wooden facial hair on demand that is of interest only to those possessed of zero self-consciousness. This thing looks like an ancient test inflicted upon the world by Merlin the Magician, and whoever can wear this thing for 10 minutes without dying of shame shall be crowned The King of All Hipsters.
$18 at Geek Chic