The holiday season is upon us again (and has been since before Halloween, for some reason). If you have some geeky friends who have been good this year, we’ve gathered up an assortment of cool present suggestions that will show them how unworthy of coal or Krampus-whipping they are.
And just like in years past, we’ve collected some decidedly less cool gift ideas for those people you don’t like but are inexplicably obligated to spend money on anyway.
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The nice list
Above: It’s super pretty, too. Especially for cardboard.
Smartphone projector by Luckies of London
This neat little kit is a box containing a lens assembly that will project your phone’s screen onto the wall. It’s handy for showing people movies and pictures on your device without everyone having to huddle around like you’ve just found Willy Wonka’s last Golden Ticket.
The projector is also a mobile-game changer: Pair a Bluetooth controller to your phone, and you’ve just made a portable, big-screen system that’ll let your buddies play as long as they want without going all cross-eyed.
$27 at The Grommet
Above: It’s every bit as fun as it looks.
‘Boss Monster’
Here’s a great idea for the retro-loving, card-crazy gamer in your life. Boss Monster has players taking the roles of video game bosses and building their own deadly dungeons room by room in order to capture and kill any adventurers foolish enough to enter. And it all goes down on cards featuring beautiful 8-bit-inspired artwork for that friend who is still in love with pixels.
$25 from Brotherwise Games
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Above: Quick: Learn how to cut a matte.
Art prints by Aled Lewis
We featured some minimalist prints by artist Emily Lemay in last year’s guide, and here are some more if your nerdy loved one’s walls are still looking a little bare. Aled Lewis creates a variety of gamer-friendly art, including sneaking game characters into photographs and creating pixelated versions of scenes from movies like Groundhog Day and Hot Rod.
$20-$50 at Inprnt or various at Gallery 1988
Above: And now I want ice cream.
Ellie’s fall hoodie from The Last of Us
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If you know someone who loves developer Naughty Dog’s post-apocalyptic bleakfest so much that they’d like to hang a little piece of it in their closet, this hoody will keep them both warm and stylish throughout the winter months. It’s a copy of the one that Ellie wears in the fall levels of the game, and while the store claims that it’s a unisex item, I probably wouldn’t wear it myself. Not that you don’t look great in it, man.
$60 via Naughty Dog
Above: For a few extra bucks, they’ll assemble it for you. Otherwise, get the glue.
The Legend of Zelda key hanger
If you have a forgetful friend who can never seem to find their keys, here’s a pretty classy way for them to keep track. This handmade keyhook features art from the 1986 Nintendo classic. The game’s mysterious hermit will remind your friend daily that bad things happen outside of the cave, and they only get worse if you lock yourself out because your keyring was sitting on top of your coffee table instead of hanging from a convenient and artful board right next to the door.
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$18 from Etsy
Above: Elaborate and oversized treasure chest not included.
Boss Key necklace
Sometimes, you want to tell that special nerd in your life that she’s unique. So unique, in fact, that you can’t just use any old key to unlock the magical vault of wonder and mysteries that is the human spirit. No, you have to use the special one with the big, eye-shaped jewel. This bauble, styled more or less after the ones found in The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time, will tell its recipient that she’s special and holds the container of your heart.
Or that she is a hideous monster that you pledge to destroy, but hopefully it’s more of the first one.
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$20 at Fangamer
Above: Unicorn’s Revenge and Lava Jump weren’t real games, but now I wish they were.
Retro video game cartridge pillow set
We’re hitting a lot of retro stuff in this guide, and here is some more because retro stuff is cool and timeless, all right? This pillow set, built to look like classic Nintendo Entertainment System cartridges, will fly its owner’s Nerd Flag high with its dual statements of “Old things are great” and “I like naps.”
$25 at ThinkGeek
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Above: It probably doesn’t take 100 hours to read.
The Art of Dragon Age: Inquisition
See? We like new games, too.
If you know someone who’s knee-deep in Dragon Age: Inquisition’s 100-plus hours of content and need a way to lure them away from the TV and focus on a different depth of field before their eyes pop out like in that scene in Total Recall (it happens; I’ve seen it), try this book. It’s 184 pages of art and commentary from developer BioWare that shows how it all got so damned pretty.
$25 at Amazon
But what about people you don’t like so much? We have some stuff you can cram down their stockings, too.
Above: It’s time to make your friends happy and your enemies cry.
The naughty list
Above: Look at that picture and tell me how that woman’s current setup is any more convenient than just talking into her phone.
Bluetooth headset gloves
It’s going to be cold soon, if it isn’t already in your neighborhood, and it’ll be time to bring out the winter gear. But some people want to be warm and use their touch-screen phones, so companies started making special gloves like these so that you don’t have to expose your sad digits to the cold just to play one more round of Angry Birds. And that’s what you tell the person you bought this present before you slip in, “And also, it has a built-in Bluetooth headset.” And then just stop talking there and let them think about how awesome and considerate you are.
Because if your enemy wants to take advantage of this feature, they’re going to have to make the time-honored thumb-and-pinky gesture to place calls. Not only is this the opposite of the Bluetooth headset’s hands-free appeal, but “Invisible Phone” will make them look even crazier than if they were just wearing a traditional headset and walking down the street talking to thin air.
$40-$60 at ThinkGeek
Above: For when you need that little extra disappointment when someone asks you if you want to “play Gears of War.”
Board games based on video games
It’s entirely possible that a game property has spawned a board game that is both true to its source and fun to play. But since we’re talking about terrible and embarrassing gifts for your enemies, these have to qualify because they say, “I know you like that game, so I just got something that had its name on it because I didn’t want to put in any thought, and they were all out of licensed socks.” And then you just leave them with the ongoing present of having to explain to guests how one would go about making a board game out of a violent, first-person shooter.
Above: This kid seems far too pleased that Tony Stark has just destroyed his bedroom. Possibly after drinking.
Disturbing geeky wall decor
This gift works on the same devastating combination of obvious thoughtlessness and persistent embarrassment as the board games, but it also drizzles some nightmare sauce over everything to make the revenge even sweeter.
These 3D lights are probably meant for kids, but they’re the special kind of terrifying that knows no age. The idea is that you put the thing up on your wall, and it looks like a comic book character has either punched or headbutt his way through from the other side.
They also have ones that look like Captain America’s shield or Thor’s hammer so that your victim can imagine that either of those guys had any interest in murdering them, but for maximum disturbance, you have to get one of the heads. Because your target’s option (other than returning it) is to make it look like Hulk, Spider-Man, or Iron Man is watching them sleep and not really feeling one way or the other about it.
$30 at Target
Above: We can’t even show you the whole thing. It would destroy you.
The most hideous PlayStation 4 cover ever
Google can show you a great many strange and terrifying things with those search terms, but we’re offering this scaly bit of terrible as an exemplar of its type. Because haven’t you looked at your clean, black or white PS4 and thought, “This really should look more like a cobra”? Your enemy will surely know your feelings when they receive this ridiculous decor-ruiner. And then they’ll see the matching controller skins, and your vengeance will be complete.
$32 at Amazon
Above: Dr. Freud, please pick up the green courtesy pho–THAT’S NOT A PHONE!
Minecraft Creeper plush (with sound!)
Sometimes, the best kind of “screw you” is the kind that you can plausibly deny. Take this cuddly, stuffed version of the fearsome Creeper. You can give this to that special Minecraft player that you hate and then stand there with a straight face and say, “I know you like that game, and this seemed cute.” But then the recipient, you, and everyone else who might be present will have to politely avoid the fact that the Creeper looks like the Incredible Hulk drew an angry face on his junk.
$40 at ThinkGeek
Above: For that special someone whose dreams are aimed squarely between the stars and the ground.
‘Become a Video Game Tester’
This e-book for your enemy’s Nook is all about how to “land the best job in the world,” by which it means testing video games. Because surely it does not get any better for a fan to turn their hobby into a repetitive, persnickety job. Become a Video Game Tester says, “I know you like games, and I would like to use that to destroy you.” Or, “You like games, I had $4 left to burn on a Barnes & Noble gift card, and I don’t think this book looks shady or misguided at all.”
$4 at Barnes & Noble
Above: Finally, a gift that says, “Hey, you have especially grubby mitts, right?”
iRoller touch-screen cleaner
The iRoller actually looks like an all right product; I’d probably buy one, in fact. But this practical and innovative device puts out a very specific message if you give it to someone as a gift. That message is that you think your enemy would benefit greatly from a super-clever screen cleaner because you know that they do not wipe the chocolate from their fingers before blasting out an e-mail. And also that you think that they need such a gadget so badly that you went ahead and got a super-compact one that they can take anywhere.
Or this could backfire in a big way, and they’ll thank you for the really useful thing. So this one could go either way, really, but it’s potentially the most passive-aggressive gift in this entire roundup.
$20 at The Grommet
Above: Just … why?
The Mustache Monacle
This one, however? Not so much. Its recipient will know right away that you might as well have just wrapped up a 3D-printed model of your middle finger.
You can start the eff-you-ery early by “letting slip” ahead of time that you found the perfect thing for them at Geek Chic, a site that mostly sells high-end, functional, and expensive furniture, mostly for tabletop role-playing and board gamers. For example, it sells this completely amazing table that transforms into an epic station, which includes shelves for your books, cup holders, and a recessed play area that will keep dice from escaping (and will also preserve your session if something cuts it short). It starts at $9,850.
Then you’ll hand your foe a small, decidedly un-table-shaped box, and maybe they’ll think, “OK, maybe it’s a gift card to help me pay for the amazing setup that I totally want now because I’ve been drooling over that site since that hint dropped.”
But then they’ll open it and discover the Mustache Monacle, wooden facial hair on demand that is of interest only to those possessed of zero self-consciousness. This thing looks like an ancient test inflicted upon the world by Merlin the Magician, and whoever can wear this thing for 10 minutes without dying of shame shall be crowned The King of All Hipsters.
$18 at Geek Chic