Editor’s note: Brian presents a moving piece about how video games helped through difficult periods of his life, from the death of his brother to the generally festering pit that’s known as public education in the United States. I understand where he’s coming from, in part — when my mother was killed when I was 7, video games were one of the refuges I sought as I struggled with my own pain. -Jason
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If you’ve been around Bitmob long enough, you may have come across one of my lengthy articles. I first introduced myself to fellow gamers after James DeRosa came up with a brilliant idea called Meet The Mob. I then created a series of articles regarding what games had a monumental impact on me (it’s a work in progress). Well, then I wondered what should come next.
I’d tossed around several ideas regarding specific video games, journalism, and the industry in general, but I felt that wasn’t enough. For quite some time, I’d wanted to do a personal piece, but I didn’t have the motivation until I witnessed Bitmob Managing Editor Jason Wilson’s excellent Fat Princess article.
Well, I finally gathered up the courage to do so. Throughout my life, I’ve constantly heard how video games have a negative influence on people, so I wanted to reveal a story that’s a counterpoint. As gamers, many of us are constantly bombarded with comments like “Games make you fat and lazy,” “Video games are for losers and nerds,” “Nintendo is an addiction,” or even “You’ll never get laid if you play video games”.
I’m here to tell you that none of these statements are true. That’s not to say that some gamers aren’t any of these things (and all of those aren’t necessarily negative traits, either), but to assume that video games turn someone into a mindless blob is utterly ridiculous.
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I’ve been playing video games for over 20 years, and I’d say that none of these statements define me. They didn’t when I was young, and they certainly don’t now.
I already detailed my earliest experiences with video games in one of my previous articles, but I failed to mention why they were something so important to me. During the earliest years of my life, the death of one of my oldest siblings from leukemia devastated my family. Apparently, we were really close, but sadly, I don’t remember him at all.
During that time, besides grieving over our loss, my dad was struggling to make ends meet. There were all kinds of issues affecting my family, and we didn’t have much support from relatives; they’d moved across the country, and their folks had little money of their own. My family eventually moved from the small town where I was born, because they eventually couldn’t take it anymore.
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Well, despite all this and the death of another close friend soon after, I was generally a happy kid. My family had moved to a rental home in a moderately sized city, and I enjoyed this change of environment. Actually, I completely forgot about everything that occurred before that point in my life.
A couple things allowed me to move on from what happened: video games and some of my new friends that lived down the street. Despite getting into trouble with some of the kids, I had some fond memories, but even more important were my memories with video games. I remember imaginative new worlds like Zelda and Mario drawing me in like nothing else could.
Besides playing video games, I read books and had outdoor adventures. Adults who don’t play video games commonly say that “Video games destroy your mind. You should read books to develop your imagination.” Even as a kid, I knew that was bullshit. Video games employed my imagination far more than books ever did. Even with early video games, I remember being mesmerized by the world of Zelda. I’d often imagine myself being a hero like Link or a villain like Ganon while playing outside, and I’d even bring my favorite video game worlds into my Lego sets. Sure, some of those ideas were ripped right out of video games, but I often expanded upon their concepts. Long story short, video games definitely didn’t “dull my mind.”
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Now just to be clear, my life didn’t revolve entirely around video games (in fact, I was typically allowed to play them for only an hour or two a week), but they definitely inspired me to try new things and made me feel happy.
By the time I’d entered elementary school, I’d grown even more attached to video games. I moved around a number of times during those years, but there was always one other constant besides the new school I attended. Before discussing that constant, video games, in more depth, I’d like to briefly explain my new school environment.
Being very religious, my family formerly had me attending a Christian school for kindergarten. Thankfully, they decided to enroll me in a new Japanese Immersion School instead for elementary school.
When most people think about the Japanese culture, they either think of World War II, karate, or Japanophiles. In the case of Japanese classes in America, people typically think of anime-crazed, antisocial individuals. At my school, this wasn’t the case at all.
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Generally, I loved it there, but at times, it still felt like your standard American school, despite half of a student’s day spent in the Japanese language. At that point in my life, most of my classmates were into things like sports. I was, too. I loved playing basketball and soccer, and people often said that I had an incredible throwing arm. I never really enjoyed baseball, however, and quit due to my terrible allergies and receiving a pitch to the balls on my first day of practice (thanks, coach).
Anyway, I digress. My intent of describing this environment was to show that it wasn’t really a place conducive to gaming. Most kids weren’t into it at all, and they considered boys who played games to be nerds. Even my Japanese teachers (who were actually from Japan) disapproved of video games. Instead of teaching us about modern Japanese culture, they felt that it was better for us to learn about Japan’s pre-Western past. I can’t say that I disapproved of this method, but sometimes, it certainly felt lonely being a gamer.
So as for my friends, I often favored people who loved video games. Some of my friends were sports fanatics, but I’d usually prefer hanging out with kids that were affected by games as much as I was. Unfortunately, there were fewer than 10 people in the entire school that shared this hobby, and even fewer enjoyed the types of video games that I grew attached to in third grade.
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Due to my friend Max (who I knew from martial arts and tennis), I became a Final Fantasy fan at the young age of 9. I’d usually only get to see him at tennis camps that occurred for two weeks at the local YMCA during the summer and a couple other times throughout the year, but we often enjoyed wreaking havoc wherever we went and playing Final Fantasy games. Max and I soon became best friends due to our shared interest in role-playing games.
At school, I wasn’t quite as fortunate. I found one other person, Mike, who introduced me to games like Chrono Trigger and Secret of Mana, but other than him, I only knew one person in a higher grade that liked RPGs. Everyone else I’d show RPGs to thought they were stupid and would rather play outside. Most people I knew were even turned off by games like Donkey Kong Country. I know, tough customers.
Anyway, at that time I was proud of my hobby. I didn’t feel ashamed in my interest one bit, and I certainly didn’t feel like an outcast or a nerd. On occasion, I was put down for my interests. But to most people, I remained a funny but mysterious kid.
Well, things changed with middle school. Even though I was formerly like Calvin of Calvin & Hobbes fame in that I didn’t like to go to school, when I look back at it, I enjoyed my Japanese immersion-school experience.
Unfortunately, the same can’t be said for my middle school.
The school I attended was a low income school in the gutter, and it was packed with violent, aggressive kids. I was fairly poor myself at the time I started, but I was raised to treat other people with respect. I’d developed fighting skills from martial arts, but I was taught only to use those skills for self-defense, and I’ve respected that code to this day. Also, I was raised by religious parents who were conservative in their beliefs, so this school was a major change for me.
I knew that I was in for something new after I’d gotten in a fight before my first day of class. This big, tall guy was picking on the small friend of mine who’d introduced me to great titles like Chrono Trigger, so of course I had to defend him. Luckily, it didn’t turn into anything too nasty thanks to the janitor who broke it up, but I quickly realized that I was in a whole new world.
At my school, drugs, weapons, and fights were commonplace. I remember someone punching a teacher, people getting mugged, and tatted-up gangsters wearing wifebeaters. I’m not trying to say that my school was the worst out there, but it wasn’t an environment conducive to learning or to people that shared my interests.
Unfortunately, during my entire time at middle school, I was fairly small (and I had some serious medical issues), so I was often harassed, even by some of the people I considered friends. I was bullied for various reasons: my cheap clothes, interests, being quiet, my beliefs, or whatever other stupid thing people came up with. It certainly was an experience that I’d rather forget.
Unfortunately, I couldn’t change some of those things, so I resorted to something I enjoyed, unlike some of my other friends who became drug addicts, violent people, or dropped out of school. Luckily, some incredible video games saved me during that troubled time.
Video games like Final Fantasy 7, Final Fantasy Tactics, and Xenogears drew me into their deep worlds. I’m not going to go into too much detail here, as I’ve already covered some of these games in one of my previous articles, but these games attracted me more than any girl.
I loved Final Fantasy 7 in part because of its deep gameplay, but I was mostly attracted to it due to the hope it gave me of making the world a better place. I liked how Avalanche was attempting to thwart Shinra’s greedy plans. Originally, they may not have gone about it in an appropriate way, but I appreciated how they were trying to save the planet and make a fairer world where the poor didn’t suffer.
Also, I felt particularly attracted to Cloud (not in a romantic way). Even though he struggled for vastly different reasons, it was interesting witnessing a character that had such intense internal struggles. I also appreciated how he changed throughout the adventure and became more of a caring individual by the end.
Another Final Fantasy influenced me in an entirely different way. Final Fantasy Tactics was partly responsible for creating my interest in history and religions. I appreciated how it tackled controversial subjects and many serious issues that still plague our world. Also, the deep battle system enthralled me, and I was so impressed by the game that I convinced five people in a mostly video-game-hating school to purchase Final Fantasy Tactics. My friends just couldn’t make me shut up about that game.
And finally came Xenogears. I could easily write a book on how Xenogears influenced me, but a couple paragraphs should suffice here. One thing that made me appreciate Xenogears was its outlook on various religions. Basically, it was an amalgamation of various religious and philosophical concepts, but it didn’t really deny or promote any one belief. I appreciated all these topics, because before this game, I was mostly familiar with my rough school environs and the propaganda fed to me at my church. Xenogears actually opened my mind a bit, and I remember spending countless nights lying awake thinking about that game.
The last thing I’d like to mention about Xenogears is its focus on slavery, imperialism, and prejudice. During eighth grade, I wasn’t aware of many of the atrocities committed by various nations of the world, but I was familiar with slavery and racism due to personal experience and things I’d learned. I was particularly familiar with racism, because I lived in an area that was predominantly white, but also had a lot of immigrants from Mexico.
Many of my friends were of a different ethnicity than me, and I’d often hear about what they had to go through and sometimes witness it myself. Also, I often witnessed a lot of undercover racism (by that, I mean people of the majority race saying racial slurs and other derogatory comments behind people’s back). Another way in which I experienced some of these things was with one of my siblings. I have an adopted sibling of a different ethnicity than my own, and there were many people who would make sometimes intentional, and other times unintentional, racist comments about her.
While Xenogears didn’t remove the ugly blot that is racism from the world, it gave me hope that the world could become a better place. My future path would also be heavily influenced by this game.
So, after those terrible middle school years ended, I moved on to a different school. Instead of attending my neighborhood school as I did for middle school, I decided to get out of that environment to improve my chances of going to college. I also went to this other school because my best friend Max would be headed to my school of choice a year later.
Unfortunately, I only knew a couple people at this 2,000-person school, and we weren’t really friends anymore. One of these was the friend of mine who introduced me to Chrono. Partway through middle school, he cut his rat tail and started acting like he was too cool for video games. He became obsessed with popularity, and left his past behind. But that was his choice.
Anyway, this school was a vastly different environment once again. Formerly, I went to a school that mostly poor kids attended, but my high school was home to some of the wealthiest kids in town. It wasn’t a private school, but it was known for providing the best public education in my city. After having gone there, I wouldn’t rank it highly when compared to schools of other cities in the nation, but it was definitely a decent school for Eugene.
Well, that school didn’t turn out much better for me, either. I thought that I wouldn’t have a hard time making friends, but there was a very cliquish atmosphere. Sure, that’s common in high schools, but I never really identified with a particular clique. I always liked unique people — some of them played sports, others played video games, some played musical instruments, and some were skateborders. What I really liked about them were their thoughts and personalities, not what they did.
I still was involved in a variety of activities by the time I entered high school, but I just rarely met people I clicked with, and most of this was due to the fact that many of the students weren’t inclusive. Many of them didn’t feel I was cool, since I wore inexpensive clothes instead of Abercrombie and didn’t have a car. Also, they didn’t like me because I was a quiet, small individual, and as a result, I was often an easy target. Even though the kids were of a different socio-economic class, I still encountered plenty of bullies and racists. Things really hadn’t changed.
Well, things eventually got a little better. My old friend Max started attending my high school, so I’d see him on occasion, and we’d later even be in the same Japanese class after I kicked Spanish to the curb. I also became friends with one of Max’s middle school pals who soon dropped out of high school (well, technically he graduated early, but it wasn’t through conventional means). This guy wasn’t much of a friend, and he thought gamers were “gay” and “nerdy,” but I’d often go to his house because he lived near school. He preferred to spend his time with “non-nerdy” interests like hacking, tapping phone lines, and identity theft.
Anyway, I was generally apathetic about high school, except during my history and Japanese classes. Those would typically engage me, while many of the others were a joke. Unfortunately, they still didn’t cover writing and didn’t have any technology-related classes, but I appreciated some of the internationally focused courses.
Well, high school was often a miserable experience, but I had some good times with my couple close friends until they changed after my sophomore and junior years. What really engaged me were video games. I’d work whenever I found a job opportunity to keep up with the latest PlayStation, PS2, and GameCube titles.
Besides the many console titles that entertained me, I had one particular experience that nearly encompassed my entire high school career. Those were my years on Battle.net. I’m going to discuss them in more detail in another article, but I created a clan for StarCraft full of dedicated RPG fans for the purpose of playing Final Fantasy 11 when it came out a few years later. It sounds weird, I know, but there’s nothing like managing your own organization. At its peak, my clan had 70 members, its own website, and message boards featuring dozens of posts a day. Eventually, my friend Max found it too nerdy, but it was fun while it lasted.
Max and I dominated when it came to StarCraft, and we also had plenty of fun with Diablo 2 despite not having broadband connections. I have many interesting stories to tell about those days, as they were some of my greatest “social” experiences. Sure, it’s sad that I didn’t have real-life experiences like that during those years, but with some serious health issues and a school that was home to a number of bigots, I didn’t have much of a choice. Well, actually I did, but I wanted to be myself, an avid gamer, and an open-minded individual rather than someone who followed the crowd.
I’m nearly done describing my high school days, but I’d also like to mention how difficult it was being a gamer during those times. Because I was tired of people (at home and at school) constantly bashing video games without having played them, I changed for awhile. While in school, I generally kept my interest a secret. If someone who was somewhat of a friend mentioned Grand Theft Auto or a similar game, I might talk about it, but I became more concerned with my image.
I was quite short and skinny and was often insulted due to various personal characteristics, so I decided to change. One of these changes — my amazing growth spurt — was pure luck, and that came about halfway through high school. As for the other things, they were the result of my own efforts.
By my junior year, I had more money, so I started buying nicer clothes. I also had started exercising frequently a year earlier so that people wouldn’t mess with me anymore. And I also became an avid rap fan. I may have changed some things about myself temporarily, but behind closed-doors, I still remained an avid gamer.
Since people chose to be ignorant about video games and the people who played them, I took it upon myself to erase stereotypes. I wanted to show them that video games don’t make you lazy, stupid, and antisocial. I may have succeeded in improving some physical and internal characteristics, but unfortunately, this didn’t really help at the time, since I didn’t start promoting video games until many years later.
Meanwhile, I played games like Suikoden 2, Final Fantasy 10, and Metroid Prime. All were great experiences that were far more exciting than my otherwise mundane existence, so they did their part in keeping me going.
I may have shied away from talking about my hobby for a number of years, but I decided to come back in full force several years later. I’m not really going to delve into my post-high school experiences, but the future ahead was generally much brighter. My interest in video games kept me going during those difficult times, and I have them to thank for my interest in a variety of academic subjects and keeping me off the streets.