My mom does not play video games. Well, except when I make her do it for other people’s enjoyment.
I discovered a bit ago that it’s pretty hysterical to have my dear, sweet mother playing violent and complicated games. However, I never really pushed her into the deep waters of the shooter genre before. Well, that changes today! I had my mom review Call of Duty: Black Ops III (you can check out a more “real” review here), the latest edition in the popular first-person shooter series.
Below is what happened when I tried to guide my mom through the PlayStation 4 version of the game.
Above: Wrong controller, mom.
Mom: What does “oh-pee-ess” mean?
Mike: Oh. Ops. You know.
Mom: Operations?
Mike: This is Call of Duty: Black Ops III. Yeah, short for operations, like a military operation. They’re called ops. Do you know about Call of Duty?
Mom: No.
Mike: You’ve heard of Call of Duty, though, right?
Mom: Yeah.
Mike: What kind of game do you think it is?
Mom: Um … military?
Above: This is the level my mom plays. It’s the first one.
Mike: Yeah! There you go. This one takes place in the future. They used to be all WWII, and then everyone got tired of WWII. Then they were Modern Warfare, and people got tired of that. Do you want to play by yourself?
Mom: [Reading the splash screen message from the developer.] “This was a labor of love.”
Mike: Yeah, the people who made it, there’s a little note. Do you want to play by yourself, like a story, or do you want to play against other people?
Mom: Oh, I have to play by myself.
Mike: OK. Let me get you going here.
Mom: Is this Trump versus Hillary?
Mike: No, it’s not. One second. You want to be a boy or a girl?
Mom: Girl.
Mike: I’ll put you on Recruit mode. That’s the easiest one.
Mom: OK. I can handle that. Oh, my.
Mike: You don’t like her cigar?
Mom: No!
Mike: She’s a hardened warrior. Did you ever think about joining the army, mom?
Mom: No. What buttons do what, now?
Mike: Shoot with this one. Move with these buttons, look around with these buttons. You have to keep your thumbs on both of these to look around. You can look down your gun with this button and zoom in a little bit.
Mom: If you say so.
[The game starts.]
Above: My mom wants you all to know that smoking is bad for you.
Mom: Where am I, in Africa or something?
Mike: Uh, no. I forget where you are. [It’s Egypt.]
Mom: Are these good guys or bad guys?
Mike: Yeah, you’re the good guys. They don’t really explain that. You also skipped the cutscene, so you don’t really know.
Mom: Oh! I thought I had a fire.
Mike: No, they did it automatically.
[A plane crashes in a cutscene.]
Mom: It’s coming in! Whoo! The thing vibrates.
Mike: Yeah, the controller vibrates. What happened, Mom?
Mom: The plane crashed into the tower.
Mike: OK, get ready. Shoot ‘em!
Mom: Oh, that’s me with the gun. Oh.
[She points her character at the ceiling.]
Mike: Look down! You look with this one. OK. Look down. You’re looking at the ceiling. Now you’re looking at the floor. Find the middle. There you go.
Mom: Who am I shooting?
Mike: No one now. They’re all dead. Everyone else shot them while you were looking at the ceiling.
Mom: Well, I don’t know!
Mike: Go out the door. Jump. You’re stuck on something. Jump and move forward at the same time. Loop backward. Look down a little bit, see what you’re stuck behind. There you go. Now go that way. Go around.
Mom: [Looking at the main companion character, Hendricks] Is he a good guy there?
Mike: Yeah, they’re good guys. He said weapons down. Don’t shoot for a while. Look where you’re walking. Turn to the left! Turn to the left! You’re just walking backwards. Turn with this one, see? That’s all turning. Imagine that this is controlling your head and the left one controls your feet. Right is head, left is feet.
Above: A character named Hendricks in Call of Duty: Black Ops III. Also my mom’s new best friend.
Mom: Do I go down these steps like he was saying?
Mike: Yes. You could go down them right now.
Mom: Oh, OK.
Mike: Why are you walking sideways?
Mom: I don’t know!
Mike: Look in the direction you’re gonna walk and then walk. OK. Press Circle to crouch.
Mom: Why do I have to crouch?
Mike: Because there’s a wheel in your way from the airplane. You can’t see it because you’re looking at the floor. Look up! There, see? There it is. You’re crouched. Just go under it. Now you’re prone. Now you’re crawling.
Mom: Well, you told me to crouch!
Mike: You’re already crouched.
Mom: How do I stand back up?
Mike: Press Circle again. There you go.
Mom: How come I’m the only one out here?
Mike: Because they’re following you. You’re on point. You’re standing in the fire. Look to the left.
Mom: Which way am I supposed to go? I can’t go anywhere.
Mike: You’re supposed to go right behind you. Look around. You’re going back the way you came. Go left. No. Look left. Follow them, follow them. Just follow them.
Mom: I hate to be the leader.
Mike: Press Circle again. It think you’re still crouched.
Mom: Now they’re getting all the action.
Mike: They’re going along without you. Look down! You don’t know where you’re going. Why are you laughing?
Mom: I don’t know what I’m doing.
Mike: There you go. There he is.
Mom: He said to keep my head down.
Mike: You’re always side-stepping. Can you look where you need to go and then walk forward? There you go. See that icon? It’s telling you where you’re supposed to go. Go there. Go to the left. Walk through that doorway there, by that guy.
Above: An example of some exciting action my mom will never reach.
Mom: I can’t see where I’m going.
Mike: There you go. Just keep going forward now.
Mom: How come my gun’s pointed sideways?
Mike: You’re holding it down, holding it by your chest, because you’re not supposed to shoot anybody.
Mom: There’s that plane that crashed.
Mike: See that thing right there, the symbol? Try to go to that. You’re breaking the game. You’re walking through the turbine. Now you’re on fire. Look to the right, please. There. Go there. Mom, you haven’t shot anybody yet.
Mom: Well, these are good people. Why do I want to shoot them?
Mike: I’m just saying, we haven’t gotten to anything exciting. Go down the stairs. You’ll get the hang of it. Go to the left. Look to the left. Don’t just — that’s your other left. You have to take this guy out. Oh, you missed stabbing him.
Mom: Sorry. How do I get through this gate?
Mike: Don’t worry, he’s going to open it.
Mom: How do you know who are good guys and who are bad guys?
Mike: He has blue over his head, see? He’s good. Bad guys are red.
Mom: Those guys on trucks, are they good guys are bad guys?
Mike: I think they’re bad guys, but you’re not supposed to be shooting anybody yet, because you’re stealthy right now. You’re in their costumes. You’re trying to pretend to be them. You’re trying to find a prime minister or something.
Mom: Are they bad guys?
Mike: Uh, I think some of them are refugees. Don’t shoot anybody. Just follow him.
Mom: Uh-oh. Here we go.
Mike: You’re probably going to shoot people in a minute. [My mom aims around in a panic while Hendricks kills everyone.] Don’t worry, he got ‘em. All right, you need to go use the security terminal.
Mom: There?
Mike: The one with the hand symbol on it. Not that one, the one with the hand. Turn to your right. Now hold down the square button and you’ll use it. OK. You’re gonna look for the prime minister. See what it says?
Mom: Press X.
Mike: It’s gonna keep changing the camera feed until you find the guy you’re looking for.
Mom: Ugh!
Mike: What’s happening, Mom?
Mom: Waterboarding.
Mike: That’s a controversial subject.
Mom: This is not good. Uuuugh.
Mike: There, you found him. You’re good at changing the camera feed.
Mom: I didn’t like to see all of those, though.
Mike: All right. OK, you’re gonna shoot people now when you see them. Look ahead of you. Look, they’re shooting you! You’re just shooting a rock!
Mom: Where am I going?
Mike: You’re in a hallway! Look where you go before you go there. Don’t just walk backwards and sideways. Look down. You’re looking at the ceiling. There he is. Down. Left. Left! Don’t just shoot! [She actually kills someone.] Oh, my god. I’m shocked.
Mom: See?
Mike: Help your friend.
Mom: Well, I can’t … .
Mike: You’re shooting your friend! Look, there’s one up there.
Mom: Where?
Mike: Look down. You saw him. Up, up, up. Up! Left! Up! You don’t have to — [I point at the right analog stick] you can move this gently. See, gently. You can get the guys under your aim. Hold down this button to zoom in. See? Now shoot. Why are you looking the other way? What are you looking at?
Mom: I don’t want to see it!
Mike: You don’t want to see them shooting at you?
Mom: I don’t know where I’m going. Where am I?
Mike: You’re dead.