Mom: [A prompt appears on a door she has to breach.] Oh, there’s a breach.
Mike: No, you’re going to breach it. Go to where it says breach.
Mom: Shoot, I missed the steps.
Mike: I’m so surprised you killed anybody.
Mom: Where am I going?
Mike: That’s an excellent question. Go forward. Go up to the stairs where it says breach.
Mom: OK, I made it.
Mike: Hit the Square button. This is going to be good. Get ready. You’re going to shoot some people in here.
Mom: Am I going to shoot again?
Mike: It’s going to slow down.
Mom: Yay, I killed somebody.
Mike: You killed nobody. Hendricks killed all of them. You shot the glass.
Mom: I had to shoot the glass to kill somebody first. Now where am I going?
Mike: Go down there and follow him.
Mom: I have to jump down here.
Above: I’m not going to even try to explain Zombies mode to her.
Mike: Please stop strafing. Please look to the left and then walk. Why do you always do that? Okay, go through that door. To the right. Go closer to it. Now we’re going to breach it again. Hold down the square button, mom. There, go back out. Look to the left! Turn to the left!
Mom: I am going left!
Mike: You’re walking to the left! You need to turn.
Mom: How do I get out?
Mike: That door right there. You turn too fast, that’s your problem.
Mom: Don’t yell at me!
Mike: I’m not yelling at you.
Mom: Yes you are.
Mike: I’m sorry. They’re higher, mom.
Mom: A bit too high. I have to reload. Oh, I got them.
Mike: That’s a shock.
Mom: Oh, I thought you said “that was Shaw.”
Mike: To the left. Look, you’re too far forward. They’re going to shoot you.
Mom: I got ’em.
Mike: Mom! Look out. Oh, he got him.
Mom: Thanks, Hendricks.
Mike: You’re almost out of ammo, by the way.
Mom: Thank god.
Mike: Thank god? You’re going to just die. You have a pistol still. Turn to the right. There. [She kills someone.] That’s a shock. Look at that, I smudged my screen where I was pointing at it for you. Don’t look at Hendricks!
Mom: He’s pretty cute.
Mike: Oh, god!
Above: My mom’s character looks like this guy. Except without the beard. And no mohawk. And as a girl.
Mom: What’s that?
Mike: It’s a grenade that’s about to blow up.
Mom: That’s not good.
Mike: Mom, please. Please. You’re just walking into the … .
Mom: I’m trying to go on. I’m down to my pistol.
Mike: Stop looking at that rock! Look! Turn around!
Mom: I can’t do this with the buttons!
Mike: You know the right stick looks. You’re going to make me sick.
Mom: Oh, OK, here I go.
Mike: Look, to the left, there’s a guy there. Get that one going up … oh, never mind. Shoot! Shoot! Shoot! Shoot! There! Go! Push the L button, zoom in, shoot, zoom in, shoot, shoot!
Mom: I am!
Mike: Keep shooting!
Mom: How come I have a gun again?
Mike: Because you’re back to before you lost your ammo. There, you got that one. Keep shooting faster. There you go. Well, wait until you have something to shoot at. You’re shooting at nothing.
Mom: Well, who’s this guy here?
Mike: That’s Hendricks! Oh. Run away, run away, run away. OK. Stop looking at the ceiling!
Mom: I’m trying to confuse them.
Mike: What does that mean? What do you mean, you’re trying to confuse them? Explain!
Mom: I don’t know. How come I can’t get up on the truck?
Mike: Push X. You have to jump. There you go. You’re probably better off down there.
Mom: There, I can kill somebody.
Mike: You’re not killing anybody. There’s three people behind there. Push this button, right now, while looking at them. See, this one, here. Push it.
Mom: Oh, I didn’t know there were buttons there.
Above: An exciting later level that my mom will never see.
Mike: You’re throwing all your grenades! Well, you’re out of them now.
Mom: I only get two grenades?
Mike: You get three.
Mom: Oh, I think I’m dizzy.
Mike: You’re not dizzy. You’re dead.
Mom: Can I be done now?
Mike: All right, Mom. What did you think of Call of Duty: Black Ops III?
Mom: It’s too hard to work the buttons.
Mike: What would you give it out of 100?
Mom: 68.
Mike: That’s one of your lower scores. What did you like about it?
Mom: Uh … Hendricks.
Mike: All right. And you didn’t like that the buttons were too hard to use. Fair enough. All right, well, thank you, Mom.
Mom: You’re welcome, Mike.