My mom reviews Call of Duty: Black Ops III

My mom does not play video games. Well, except when I make her do it for other people’s enjoyment.

I discovered a bit ago that it’s pretty hysterical to have my dear, sweet mother playing violent and complicated games. However, I never really pushed her into the deep waters of the shooter genre before. Well, that changes today! I had my mom review Call of Duty: Black Ops III (you can check out a more “real” review here), the latest edition in the popular first-person shooter series.

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Below is what happened when I tried to guide my mom through the PlayStation 4 version of the game.

Mom: What does “oh-pee-ess” mean?

Mike: Oh. Ops. You know.

Mom: Operations?

Mike: This is Call of Duty: Black Ops III. Yeah, short for operations, like a military operation. They’re called ops. Do you know about Call of Duty?

Mom: No.

Mike: You’ve heard of Call of Duty, though, right?

Mom: Yeah.

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Mike: What kind of game do you think it is?

Mom: Um … military?

Mike: Yeah! There you go. This one takes place in the future. They used to be all WWII, and then everyone got tired of WWII. Then they were Modern Warfare, and people got tired of that. Do you want to play by yourself?

Mom: [Reading the splash screen message from the developer.] “This was a labor of love.”

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Mike: Yeah, the people who made it, there’s a little note. Do you want to play by yourself, like a story, or do you want to play against other people?

Mom: Oh, I have to play by myself.

Mike: OK. Let me get you going here.

Mom: Is this Trump versus Hillary?

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Mike: No, it’s not. One second. You want to be a boy or a girl?

Mom: Girl.

Mike: I’ll put you on Recruit mode. That’s the easiest one.

Mom: OK. I can handle that. Oh, my.

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Mike: You don’t like her cigar?

Mom: No!

Mike: She’s a hardened warrior. Did you ever think about joining the army, mom?

Mom: No. What buttons do what, now?

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Mike: Shoot with this one. Move with these buttons, look around with these buttons. You have to keep your thumbs on both of these to look around. You can look down your gun with this button and zoom in a little bit.

Mom: If you say so.

[The game starts.]

Mom: Where am I, in Africa or something?

Mike: Uh, no. I forget where you are. [It’s Egypt.]

Mom: Are these good guys or bad guys?

Mike: Yeah, you’re the good guys. They don’t really explain that. You also skipped the cutscene, so you don’t really know.

Mom: Oh! I thought I had a fire.

Mike: No, they did it automatically.

[A plane crashes in a cutscene.]

Mom: It’s coming in! Whoo! The thing vibrates.

Mike: Yeah, the controller vibrates. What happened, Mom?

Mom: The plane crashed into the tower.

Mike: OK, get ready. Shoot ‘em!

Mom: Oh, that’s me with the gun. Oh.

[She points her character at the ceiling.]

Mike: Look down! You look with this one. OK. Look down. You’re looking at the ceiling. Now you’re looking at the floor. Find the middle. There you go.

Mom: Who am I shooting?

Mike: No one now. They’re all dead. Everyone else shot them while you were looking at the ceiling.

Mom: Well, I don’t know!

Mike: Go out the door. Jump. You’re stuck on something. Jump and move forward at the same time. Loop backward. Look down a little bit, see what you’re stuck behind. There you go. Now go that way. Go around.

Mom: [Looking at the main companion character, Hendricks] Is he a good guy there?

Mike: Yeah, they’re good guys. He said weapons down. Don’t shoot for a while. Look where you’re walking. Turn to the left! Turn to the left! You’re just walking backwards. Turn with this one, see? That’s all turning. Imagine that this is controlling your head and the left one controls your feet. Right is head, left is feet.

Mom: Do I go down these steps like he was saying?

Mike: Yes. You could go down them right now.

Mom: Oh, OK.

Mike: Why are you walking sideways?

Mom: I don’t know!

Mike: Look in the direction you’re gonna walk and then walk. OK. Press Circle to crouch.

Mom: Why do I have to crouch?

Mike: Because there’s a wheel in your way from the airplane. You can’t see it because you’re looking at the floor. Look up! There, see? There it is. You’re crouched. Just go under it. Now you’re prone. Now you’re crawling.

Mom: Well, you told me to crouch!

Mike: You’re already crouched.

Mom: How do I stand back up?

Mike: Press Circle again. There you go.

Mom: How come I’m the only one out here?

Mike: Because they’re following you. You’re on point. You’re standing in the fire. Look to the left.

Mom: Which way am I supposed to go? I can’t go anywhere.

Mike: You’re supposed to go right behind you. Look around. You’re going back the way you came. Go left. No. Look left. Follow them, follow them. Just follow them.

Mom: I hate to be the leader.

Mike: Press Circle again. It think you’re still crouched.

Mom: Now they’re getting all the action.

Mike: They’re going along without you. Look down! You don’t know where you’re going. Why are you laughing?

Mom: I don’t know what I’m doing.

Mike: There you go. There he is.

Mom: He said to keep my head down.

Mike: You’re always side-stepping. Can you look where you need to go and then walk forward? There you go. See that icon? It’s telling you where you’re supposed to go. Go there. Go to the left. Walk through that doorway there, by that guy.

Mom: I can’t see where I’m going.

Mike: There you go. Just keep going forward now.

Mom: How come my gun’s pointed sideways?

Mike: You’re holding it down, holding it by your chest, because you’re not supposed to shoot anybody.

Mom: There’s that plane that crashed.

Mike: See that thing right there, the symbol? Try to go to that. You’re breaking the game. You’re walking through the turbine. Now you’re on fire. Look to the right, please. There. Go there. Mom, you haven’t shot anybody yet.

Mom: Well, these are good people. Why do I want to shoot them?

Mike: I’m just saying, we haven’t gotten to anything exciting. Go down the stairs. You’ll get the hang of it. Go to the left. Look to the left. Don’t just — that’s your other left. You have to take this guy out. Oh, you missed stabbing him.

Mom: Sorry. How do I get through this gate?

Mike: Don’t worry, he’s going to open it.

Mom: How do you know who are good guys and who are bad guys?

Mike: He has blue over his head, see? He’s good. Bad guys are red.

Mom: Those guys on trucks, are they good guys are bad guys?

Mike: I think they’re bad guys, but you’re not supposed to be shooting anybody yet, because you’re stealthy right now. You’re in their costumes. You’re trying to pretend to be them. You’re trying to find a prime minister or something.

Mom: Are they bad guys?

Mike: Uh, I think some of them are refugees. Don’t shoot anybody. Just follow him.

Mom: Uh-oh. Here we go.

Mike: You’re probably going to shoot people in a minute. [My mom aims around in a panic while Hendricks kills everyone.] Don’t worry, he got ‘em. All right, you need to go use the security terminal.

Mom: There?

Mike: The one with the hand symbol on it. Not that one, the one with the hand. Turn to your right. Now hold down the square button and you’ll use it. OK. You’re gonna look for the prime minister. See what it says?

Mom: Press X.

Mike: It’s gonna keep changing the camera feed until you find the guy you’re looking for.

Mom: Ugh!

Mike: What’s happening, Mom?

Mom: Waterboarding.

Mike: That’s a controversial subject.

Mom: This is not good. Uuuugh.

Mike: There, you found him. You’re good at changing the camera feed.

Mom: I didn’t like to see all of those, though.

Mike: All right. OK, you’re gonna shoot people now when you see them. Look ahead of you. Look, they’re shooting you! You’re just shooting a rock!

Mom: Where am I going?

Mike: You’re in a hallway! Look where you go before you go there. Don’t just walk backwards and sideways. Look down. You’re looking at the ceiling. There he is. Down. Left. Left! Don’t just shoot! [She actually kills someone.] Oh, my god. I’m shocked.

Mom: See?

Mike: Help your friend.

Mom: Well, I can’t … .

Mike: You’re shooting your friend! Look, there’s one up there.

Mom: Where?

Mike: Look down. You saw him. Up, up, up. Up! Left! Up! You don’t have to — [I point at the right analog stick] you can move this gently. See, gently. You can get the guys under your aim. Hold down this button to zoom in. See? Now shoot. Why are you looking the other way? What are you looking at?

Mom: I don’t want to see it!

Mike: You don’t want to see them shooting at you?

Mom: I don’t know where I’m going. Where am I?

Mike: You’re dead.

Mom: I want to run away.

Mike: You’re not allowed to run away. Go back down there.

Mom: Oh, shoot.

Mike: Get ‘em. That’s a bad guy. I don’t think you got him. Or I think you shot him? [My mom continues to shoot his corpse.] Mom, he’s dead now. Reload. Push the square button. You have two bullets left.

Mom: Which one?

Mike: The square, the square. All right. Now go over there. Take your time and aim.

Mom: I’m not good with buttons.

Mike: All you gotta do is turn left. Don’t move anymore. Don’t get closer to them, they’ll shoot you. Turn left. Now get one of them — hold down the L button — no, no, no. Don’t shoot unless you’re aiming at them.

Mom: What’s the L button?

Mike: This one, this one. Look down. Now move your trigger. You can look around with your head. No, no, no, stop shooting, stop shooting. Don’t shoot. You see the red dot? Don’t shoot until they’re in the red dot. There’s no reason to shoot otherwise. You’re gonna miss. OK. We’re teaching. You’re learning. We know how to aim.

Mom: How do I go down these darn steps?

Mike: You won’t get very far. You know that one guy’s gonna pop out here. He’s right there. Why aren’t you looking? Why don’t you look at him? You didn’t get him.

Mom: I got him!

Mike: You hit the wall about 15 times.

Mom: He’s dead!

Mike: Yeah, because Hendricks killed him.

Mom: That’s why I have a friend with me.

Mike: Turn left. Please turn left. Stop walking to the left. Please stop strafing. Turn! OK.

Mom: [My mom begins to mimic the recorded spiel from Walt Disney World rides when you exit the vehicle.] Step to the left, please.

Mike: OK, now zoom and move. Hold down the zoom button and you can still look. Go up. See that guy? Please. No, no, this guy right here. Go up. Move your red dot on him. It’s not on him yet! You just shot a barrel and it blew up. That’s so lucky.

Mom: I killed him, probably.

Mike: All right, all right. Move forward a little bit. There’s still people. Look, he’s still there, right there.

Mom: Where?

Mike: Behind the red thing. Look at all of them. There he is, get him. What are you shooting at? You just see people and you shoot!

Mom: I don’t understand these stupid buttons.

Mike: Aim down! Hendricks is going to get them all eventually, I guess. Just don’t go too far forward. You’re going to die. Get him! Get him!

Mom: He got him.

Mike: He’s getting all of them! You shot the barrel that blew up. Get him!

Mom: Get out of the way! He’s in my way!

Mike: He’s out of the way now.

[My mom begins extremely animated and excited as a bad guy walks into her crosshairs.]

Mom: Oh, oh! Wow! Wooo!

Mike: OK, move on.

Mom: There are two more!

Mike: Ha, you got ‘em! Oh, my god. I’ve never heard anybody so excited to shoot one person in a video game before.  There’s still someone further down there.

Mom: Where?

Mike: Right there!

Mom: Oh, my god.

Mike: Move closer to him and shoot him. Just stay behind stuff like they do so you don’t get shot.

Mom: Oh, OK.

Mike: That’s a barrel. Why are you shooting it? You’re always shooting at nothing. All right. He’s moving forward. You can shoot him now. Follow them up there. You’ll be safe. What are you shooting at? Catch your breath, for crying out loud. Look how many more people just came. You’re screwed. There’s no way. What are you doing?

Mom: Well, if I shoot the building .. it’ll collapse?

Mike: You’re in the building, Mom!

Mom: That’s OK.

Mike: You’re taking one for your country, huh?

Mom: OK. Where do we go here? What happened to Hendricks?

Mike: He’s killing everybody. There he is. Look at him. He’s an all-star.

Mom: I’m sorry. This is my first time.

Mike: No, no, that’s going to blow up! Don’t shoot that.

Mom: OK. But don’t I want it to blow up a little bit?

Mike: There’s no enemies by it.

Mom: Is that Hendricks?

Mike: Yeah, go to him. He’s going to open the door and finish the level for you. You turned too far.

Mom: Now can I go in?

Mike: Yeah, you can go whenever you want. Go in!

Mom: How do I go in?

Mike: What do you mean, how do you go in? Just walk!

Mom: Oh, I’m sorry.

Mike: Go in!

Mom: I can’t get in the dang door.

Mike: That’s because you’re trying to go at an angle. Turn to the left and walk in. You turned too far. How would a normal person walk into this door?

Mom: I wouldn’t have to maneuver a button to get up through it.

Mom: [A prompt appears on a door she has to breach.] Oh, there’s a breach.

Mike: No, you’re going to breach it. Go to where it says breach.

Mom: Shoot, I missed the steps.

Mike: I’m so surprised you killed anybody.

Mom: Where am I going?

Mike: That’s an excellent question. Go forward. Go up to the stairs where it says breach.

Mom: OK, I made it.

Mike: Hit the Square button. This is going to be good. Get ready. You’re going to shoot some people in here.

Mom: Am I going to shoot again?

Mike: It’s going to slow down.

Mom: Yay, I killed somebody.

Mike: You killed nobody. Hendricks killed all of them. You shot the glass.

Mom: I had to shoot the glass to kill somebody first. Now where am I going?

Mike: Go down there and follow him.

Mom: I have to jump down here.

Mike: Please stop strafing. Please look to the left and then walk. Why do you always do that? Okay, go through that door. To the right. Go closer to it. Now we’re going to breach it again. Hold down the square button, mom. There, go back out. Look to the left! Turn to the left!

Mom: I am going left!

Mike: You’re walking to the left! You need to turn.

Mom: How do I get out?

Mike: That door right there. You turn too fast, that’s your problem.

Mom: Don’t yell at me!

Mike: I’m not yelling at you.

Mom: Yes you are.

Mike: I’m sorry. They’re higher, mom.

Mom: A bit too high. I have to reload. Oh, I got them.

Mike: That’s a shock.

Mom: Oh, I thought you said “that was Shaw.”

Mike: To the left. Look, you’re too far forward. They’re going to shoot you.

Mom: I got ’em.

Mike: Mom! Look out. Oh, he got him.

Mom: Thanks, Hendricks.

Mike: You’re almost out of ammo, by the way.

Mom: Thank god.

Mike: Thank god? You’re going to just die. You have a pistol still. Turn to the right. There. [She kills someone.] That’s a shock. Look at that, I smudged my screen where I was pointing at it for you. Don’t look at Hendricks!

Mom: He’s pretty cute.

Mike: Oh, god!

Mom: What’s that?

Mike: It’s a grenade that’s about to blow up.

Mom: That’s not good.

Mike: Mom, please. Please. You’re just walking into the … .

Mom: I’m trying to go on. I’m down to my pistol.

Mike: Stop looking at that rock! Look! Turn around!

Mom: I can’t do this with the buttons!

Mike: You know the right stick looks. You’re going to make me sick.

Mom: Oh, OK, here I go.

Mike: Look, to the left, there’s a guy there. Get that one going up … oh, never mind. Shoot! Shoot! Shoot! Shoot! There! Go! Push the L button, zoom in, shoot, zoom in, shoot, shoot!

Mom: I am!

Mike: Keep shooting!

Mom: How come I have a gun again?

Mike: Because you’re back to before you lost your ammo. There, you got that one. Keep shooting faster. There you go. Well, wait until you have something to shoot at. You’re shooting at nothing.

Mom: Well, who’s this guy here?

Mike: That’s Hendricks! Oh. Run away, run away, run away. OK. Stop looking at the ceiling!

Mom: I’m trying to confuse them.

Mike: What does that mean? What do you mean, you’re trying to confuse them? Explain!

Mom: I don’t know. How come I can’t get up on the truck?

Mike: Push X. You have to jump. There you go. You’re probably better off down there.

Mom: There, I can kill somebody.

Mike: You’re not killing anybody. There’s three people behind there. Push this button, right now, while looking at them. See, this one, here. Push it.

Mom: Oh, I didn’t know there were buttons there.

Mike: You’re throwing all your grenades! Well, you’re out of them now.

Mom: I only get two grenades?

Mike: You get three.

Mom: Oh, I think I’m dizzy.

Mike: You’re not dizzy. You’re dead.

Mom: Can I be done now?

Mike: All right, Mom. What did you think of Call of Duty: Black Ops III?

Mom: It’s too hard to work the buttons.

Mike: What would you give it out of 100?

Mom: 68.

Mike: That’s one of your lower scores. What did you like about it?

Mom: Uh … Hendricks.

Mike: All right. And you didn’t like that the buttons were too hard to use. Fair enough. All right, well, thank you, Mom.

Mom: You’re welcome, Mike.